daretodream Posted December 10, 2002 Share Posted December 10, 2002 My fiance asks intimate physical, sexual and emotional questions about my exs. If I don't answer him he gets upset. He then compares himself to them and wants to know what makes him so special. We have been fighting about it every day. He is obsessed with knowing. He says he feels not good enough for me and doesn't understand why I love him. We have an out of this world sexlife and are very in love, but he's beginning to make me feel bad about myself. He asks the same questions over and over, has gone through my things, and doesn't believe what I tell him. I don't know what to do. How do I help him get over this? Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted December 10, 2002 Share Posted December 10, 2002 You've got a very serious problem. You are planning on marrying a man who does not trust you, has extremely poor self esteem and who is extremely insecure. No amount of information you give him seems to satisfy him. You're in a no win situation. He's not going to change after you marry him. Enjoy the sex while you can because as you fall out of love with him due to his extreme insecurities it will be less and less exciting for you. Most women seek very confident, secure males for husbands and that's not what you have here. Trust is the backbone of relationships and romance. He doesn't trust you, doesn't believe what you tell him...that's a very dangerous sign to be recognized. Why did you get engaged to him without resolving this issue first? Nothing short of long term, industrial strength psychotherapy is going to help this man. Help him get it and you have to decide if you want to wait a few years for him to make permanent improvements...if he's able to do that at all. I wish you luck. It's so sad to be in love with somebody who has problems with hair on them. Link to post Share on other sites
kayjay Posted December 13, 2002 Share Posted December 13, 2002 You shouldn't start feeling bad because of his insecurities. He has to realize that everybody has a past, even you. And as much as he says he wants to know about your past, don't tell him. The more he knows, the more he has to think about and it will just make matters worse. The past is the past! And there is maybe nothingyou can do, but he has to realize it and stop wasting all that energy wondering about yours and asking questions. Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted December 13, 2002 Share Posted December 13, 2002 I agree with Tony (again) at least in part. Sometimes insecurities in a person don't show up until they make a commitment -- then all those deep seated fears can surface and doubts and self-esteem issues can become magnified. If you love him then get him some help. You can't counsel him because you are too close and some of the issues concern him alone. He needs some professional help. Does his employer offer a counseling plan? Many employers do and it costs little or nothing for the employee. There are many insurance companies that cover therapy nowadays and there are other resources available through United Way charities. You trying to help him will only make things worse, but the situation doesn't have to stay this way or deteriorate and it can get much better with outside help. Link to post Share on other sites
daretodream Posted December 16, 2002 Share Posted December 16, 2002 Now he is threatening to contact my ex's to verify that I am telling him the truth about things. This sounds crazy but he wants to verify whether or not I have done certain sexual positions or not. I told him if he contacted them I would leave him. Just to clarify, I have not slept around, this is not coming from that. I love him, but I'm wondering if I should leave him. I'm starting to feel that he is obsessed. It's making me not want to makelove to him at all and I feel like I have to watch every word I say. Can love survive this, even with therapy? Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted December 16, 2002 Share Posted December 16, 2002 Does he understand that his constant questioning you is hurting you? Not just making you angry, but HURTING you emotionally? Has he ever expressed a desire to change this behavior, or does he think this behavior is normal and acceptable? Anything is possible, but the degree of obsession you have described leads me to think that it may be years of intensive therapy to work thru this & that is only if he recognized that his behavior is aberrant and WANTS to change. If he does not want to change and makes no apology then you need to re-think the relationship. Dump him and move on with your life. Link to post Share on other sites
CityGyrl Posted December 16, 2002 Share Posted December 16, 2002 What good could come out of wanting to know stories about your ex and/or past experiences? This man is in dire need of some self-esteem. The past should be kept in the past. If he does not trust you, than you do not need to be with him. I wonder what he would say if you asked him about his past. I'm sorry, but I don't think there is any length you can go to to convince him otherwise since he is already convinced you are lying. I think you can do without. Link to post Share on other sites
daretodream Posted December 17, 2002 Share Posted December 17, 2002 Thanks everybody. But the truth is that I love this man more than imaginable. I can't really tell if he is truly sorry or not, he says he is. But I guess he thinks I have given him reason to doubt me. Aside from this issue, he is the perfect man for me. Leaving him is not an option. Sometimes I am so frustrated that I think of whether I should leave him or not or because I am upset I feel like I don't want to be with him intimately. The truth is that he has made me happier than I've ever been in my life and I can't believe that something like this will destroy what we have. I'm 28 and never been in love before and truly feel that he is the one. So all that said, is there anything I can do? Can it get better with time? I know he loves me. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted December 17, 2002 Share Posted December 17, 2002 Try to work through his insecurities and get beyond them as quickly as possible. I don't care how much you love him, trust issues can wear love down really fast. The divorce courts are filled everyday with people who at one time wanted to live with the other forever and who dreamed of never being with anybody else. It takes lots more than love to make a relationship work. I want this to work for your but it's going to take some real dedication on your part. Perhaps a very competent counsellor can help resolve this issue in him. Link to post Share on other sites
Debster Posted December 18, 2002 Share Posted December 18, 2002 Ask him a lot of probing questions and don't stop. See how he likes it. Link to post Share on other sites
Sarah Posted December 19, 2002 Share Posted December 19, 2002 I have been through your exact same situation. When I read your post it sounded like I had written it myself. I will tell you from my experience it does get better (how long have you been with this guy?) the questions become much less frequent - and dont worry he wont call your ex's! In my relationship it got so bad that I started lying to him, and then I couldnt remember my lies - but he will question you until you answer him - I know that situation!!! Now when he asks - I dont reply -i walk off in a huff (I have been with him for 6 years) - Yes, he still asks questions or remembers something I told him 4 years ago. I love him so much, I love him with all my heart, but now after 6 years, I dont like to make love to him and when he brings up MY past - I wont talk to him. I think you will find, in time, it will get the better, if you can last that long, but other things will diminish from your relationship. AND dont be suprised if he cheats on you !!!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
ThisGirlNameKD Posted April 26, 2003 Share Posted April 26, 2003 Ask him this: "Why do you truly think I am with you?" Also you should let him know that sex doesn't really matter because even if you had good sex with those other guys, you not with them now for some reason or another. But it sounds like your guy is wounded. Maybe he's been in a situation where he was involved with someone and they left him for someone else. Him asking you all of these questions are to make sure that you're truly over or is there something that you like about them that could possibly be rekindled in the future. What you need to tell him is that the past is in the past, and when it comes to intimate activities with other men in your past, if he can't handled hearing about them, then he doesn't need to know about them. That is your past and they have nothing to do with so he should try to measure himself up against them. Link to post Share on other sites
Carly Posted April 27, 2003 Share Posted April 27, 2003 Anyone who is so insanely jealous like this suffers a personality disorder of serious proportion. Before searching for "good therapy" to remedy these personality disordered people, go to a good search engine and look at the facts. Personality disorders are the toughest nuts to crack in psychotherapy. They are also the last clients on earth that most therapists would want in his or her practice. They know all the games, and wear out the most valiant therapists. People who suffer depression, anxiety, phobia, obesessive-compulsions -- even schizophrenia -- stand a much better chance for improvement than personality disordered people. For the former, there are proven mental strategies combined with the newer meds available. For the latter, there is no psychotherapy ever published that is proven effective. GG7HPH, you may be an exception. You are obviously NOT beyond therapy, because you readily admit to your problem, you see how it will destroy the relationship, and you are proven to be motivated to change. It still won't be easy, but you stand a chance. Sarah, you want to provide support and encouragement to people married to this sort, yet you also tell us that, six years into the marriage and you no longer even want to make love to him. The marriage isn't really working after all, is it? THAT is the message that anyone contemplating a relationship with a personality disordered individual should be taking from this thread. Link to post Share on other sites
ThisGirlNameKD Posted April 28, 2003 Share Posted April 28, 2003 Carly, are you a psychologist or a therapist? Because I think your assessment is a bit extreme and harsh to make based on what she's told us. I understand there are certain criterias that a person has to meet and an evaluation that must be made on a person in order for them to be diagnosis as having a personality disorder. What it truly sounds like is that he has problems with insecurity, or fear of abandonment, based on what she said, and the way he's manifesting it. Something he's been through brought him to that condition. It doesn't sound to me like he has personality disorder. And insecurity, low self-esteem and fear of abandonment can be treatable. But whatever she decides to do, its up to her. All we can do is offer advice. Link to post Share on other sites
Carly Posted April 28, 2003 Share Posted April 28, 2003 We all have insecurities, self-esteem issues and fears of abandonment. Sometimes we deal with them well, and sometimes not so well. But come on, when someone can never let go of these issues with other people, driving them to ceaselessly and insanely question, hound, suspect, verify, etc. the one person who they should be trusting, then their personality suffers far beyond garden variety self-esteem issues. But you're right: don't take my word for it. There's lots of material on the topic throughout the internet. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
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