Happily Ever after??

[Just A Girl2]

Happily ever after??

 

So my mind is all jumbled up. I just don't know what to do...

I love him? I want to marry him?

I can't stand him... I wish he never asked me to marry him...

Those are my thoughts.

 

One day its like...I love him so much and I'm so happy to be marrying him next year, but then the next day I just want him to be away from me...to be single and to live my own life.

Why do I feel like this? I really do not know.

 

When I think of my wedding day, It scares me to death. I'm excited about the ceremony, more then I am about the actual meaning of the ceremony. I've wanted to get married for some time now...

 

I want to wear a beautiful dress and be the center of attention for just one day.

 

But, Thats a fairy tale...

 

I'm so sick of being in a realationship at times, I could scream!!

It seems...well, basically I have not been out from underneath a man ...ever.

 

I started messing around with guys at 15...and at 16 I got pregnant...and lived with this man for 2 yrs. Then when that didn't work out I was stupid enough to move in with another man. (The one I'm with now). Our relationship was shaky for the 1st 3yrs., but 2 kids later we continued living together.

 

So we have been together for like 6 1/2 years and we barely fight...because we both hate conflict.

 

I hate getting yelled at and he just hates talking about anything that could possibly lead to even a little disagreement.

 

Hes basically a really great father, loves his kids...although we both get annoyed by them. But he's a lot more patient then I am.

He provides for us all...He's financially settled...if he feels like working. Hes a self-employed contractor, so he can basically work when he wants.

 

Our sex life used to be good...at one time. I have no complaints, but I'm sure he does. I hardly am ever in the mood to have sex or do anything sexual to him. And sometimes after we get done having sex I cry...(he has no idea) I have no idea why I cry, really...I just do. Sometimes.

 

I feel lonely alot of the times and very depressed alot. I think I would love to be single, but I know that can never happen...because I have no job, no skills really...

 

Financially I couldn't take care of myself and our children. He has already told me once he would refuse to leave...if I wanted him to do so. He even said something about being a roomate or being together as lovers...and for me to choose. But that was after a large fight we had about 3 months ago. That fight was the biggest fight we have ever had...

 

I'm not sure how it started but it turned into chaos. I ended up telling him not to come back for a few days...and seriously meant it. ( I almost hate it when hes home too much.)

 

So he took off ...(after calling me a bitch and some other things I don't recall...because I was closing my eyes and plugging my ears and humming really loud...haha)

 

I wanted him out so bad...

 

I was craving being single...just to be able to do what I want without the added responsiblity of someone else.

Anyway, so he left...he spent the night at his loser friends house and came back the next day.

 

When he came back, I had written him a letter...explaining that I really wanted to be alone. And that I loved him, but that I couldn't handle being in a relationship anymore. I was tired...of it all.

 

I explained how lonely I felt...how I craved being held and kissed (he doesen't kiss me like lovers kiss...) How he didn't like doing anything as a family. And at the time he was so dead set against marriage, but after asking him a million times and each time getting rejected...I didn't even bring up marriage in this fight...

So he told me that he would not let me raise our kids alone. That he would refuse to leave...

 

And then tried to be all sweet by saying that we are a family and that we love each other...blah blah blah.

 

That night while I took a shower...after we had pretty much made up. He found a couple pages from my journal, saying some hurtful things...

 

Like I felt like I was wasting my life being with him and that I wish I was single...and how sometimes I look at him and just hate him so bad.

 

I found the pages on the table, and he was in bed...so I knew that he had read them.

 

I laid next to him...kinda happy...but sad at the same time...

I think I was full of relief too. Relieved that he knew exactly what I felt.

 

He cried...softly at first, but I could tell he was. Still I felt nothing really. I felt sad he had to find out this way, but I was so happy...thinking about...(THERE! Take that, and like it!)

 

Of course I have not explained, our first few years of our relationship. And the hell I went through to be with this man. Pregnant, sick as hell in the hospital...(ICU in fact.) and no visting from him...except for a few days later...he shows up with a girl he admitted he wanted to screw.

 

Yeah he wasn't always this nice. He messed my head up several times.

 

So I go back to my story...He was crying lying there. All upset...and I was lying next to him...not feeling anything but maybe a little bit of revenge going through me. I told him I was sorry...sorry that he had to read that, but I honestly didn't mean it. I didn't cry...I felt 10 feet tall! I was in a state of glee...looking at this poor pathetic man weeping like a heartbroken puppy dog.

 

He said he wanted me to just hold him...

 

At first I was hesitant, but I did....my cold heart fluttering.

 

I didn't hold him long...I wanted him to feel alone inside. Like the many nights I felt empty...shutting all noises off and opening the windows in freezing cold weather just to see if I could hear his motorcycle coming toward me. (I would never be that pathetic again.)

 

He just laid there ...and I pretended to fall asleep. He wrote me a letter...and took off.

 

The letter I read was desprate...it almost sounded like he would love to just crash his truck into a tree on purpose. I was scared then...and crying. I waited for him...and about 30 mins. he showed up again.

 

Long story short...he and I talked and he asked me to marry him. I wished I said no.

 

Now people know about us engaged and....well...its too late.

I figure I'm just a hateful, cold person anyway...and I'm lucky to find a guy that will take care of my ass. So I might as well marry him....and live happy ever after????? The End.

[divamom_1963]

[font=arial][/font][color=blue][/color] I understand how you feel. My "common- law" husband of seven years does not want to express his feelings of love to me. He was married once and has two sons and I have never been married. When we started out, he was loving and attentive and I felt as though that I didn't have to look for anyone else. He and I are like champagne and malt liquor because we are so different. His sons and I don't relate to each other because they are just like him. I have a teenage daughter and she and he didn't get along very well.

my guy and I don't go for long walks, watch tv together or go out for dinner alone. We either take the children along or he does not have money; therefore we don't go. He dozen't compliment my clothes or my hair, but he looks at other women on t.v or movies and gives "cat calls". It is like sometimes I am not there. The only time that I feels like he wants to spend time with me is when it is time for bed. I am tired from a hard day of class and household chores and I just want to sleep, but he wants to have sex. When we have sex, I shut my eyes and think of someone else. I know that once that it is over, reality seeps in. I open my eyes and sadly, it's not that other man. I cry with tears in my eyes, but he dozen't know why I cry or who the person is. Afterwards, he turns over and goes to sleep and I have this hollow feeling in me. I do want to marry him and have a big wedding, but he dosen't. He wants the wedding to be quick with no formalities. For me, it is like going to the doctors' office.

Other men are interested in me, but I know it will be short lived because I will always be with my "husband" whether I want to or not.

All I can say is to try to make it the best way you can. It is never easy and I am proof of that too. Something better will come along! Have faith!

[CityGyrl]

I know you're going through a very difficult time right now. Almost as if you are torn. It is possible to love a person but not be in love with them. However, you sound a little confused. I guess because you two do have a long history together and not to forget two children. And therefore I know it's good to have some stability and a sense of family with the children...........but not if your suffering. Kids are very intuitive and can feed off the actions/demeanors of parents. Don't stay in an unloving relationship just for the sake of the kids. Do it because you genuinely want to. And from what I've read, you seem to be unhappy in this relationship. A lot of times in our relationships, we settle thinking that we'll be alone or that we won't find any worthwhile relationship.

 

But at some point, you have to realize that you deserve better. And so do your kids. You deserve a loving and stable relationship. Someone who is going to love, honor and worship you. And if you enter in a relationship thinking that it is not possible or that it can't happen than you set yourself (and your relationship) up for failure. As the saying goes...you keep doing what you're doing and you'll keep getting what you got. If you truly want to make your relationship work than you have to put in work. The both of you. But if you do not want to be with him, than it's time to move on. I'm not in your skin, so I can't say stay or leave. But nobody knows better than you. It's time for you to hold the cards. It's time for you to stand up and say if we are going to be together, than I expect xyz and if you can't give it to me than I'm moving on. And also the same can be said if you don't want to be with him. But it's no point of you suffering in an unbearable relationship just for the sake of children. Maybe you both are moving into different directions and are just scared to end it.

 

Both of you need to talk calmly to see if this relationship can be saved. Because if it's this bad now, just imagine what it will be like when you say "I do." And don't worry about other people. It is never too late to change your mind. You can be at the altar and it still not be too late. Stop living for other people and start living for yourself. It all starts with you. If you lack self-esteem and confidence in yourself and your abilities than that will always continue to spill over in your relationships. Work on #1 first. You seem to have a less than healthy view of yourself. Remember, everything begins with you. If you're not right from within than nothing in your life will be right. Focus on you and what you want. You have to be strong for those kids and if they see you unhappy than it will definitely affect them. I can't tell you to stay or leave. But you do have to analyze whether staying with this person will empower me, motivate me, encourage me, stimulate me, inspire me and upbuild me to something better. If you see the potential to do so than it might be worth staying and fighting for. But if your love is on a dead end and crash course to nowhere, than it may be time to get out while the getting is good. Better to have a few moments of tears than to have a lifetime of pain. Best wishes!

[Debster]

There are so many issues here. My advice to you is only marry the guy if it is what you WANT to do. Not because you've told people you're going to or because you want to wear a dress and be a princess for the day. It's confusing though as there are children involved and his comments about not moving out.

 

Have you thought about moving out to figure out exactly how you feel? It seems that you are just doing things to hurt him, and that's never a good thing.