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FWB Experiences?


Friends and Lovers Progressing into "Friends with benefits" and beyond: When platonic relationships become more intimate.

Old 12th July 2005, 6:09 PM   #1
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FWB Experiences?

Okies, here's the skinny:

Just moved recently to a new locale where I know NOBODY with the exception of my dad and stepmom. Met a nice guy over the internet, went on a few outings, scouting out possible romantic territory. We decided to go to bed together, which was fun, and a few days later he became concerned, because he was still getting over his GF of 10 years that he broke up with 3 years ago. He was up-front with me, told me that he couldn't in all conscience allow me to think that there was the possibility of a romantic relationship in the future, since he wasn't really feeling an emotional attachment. He wanted to, but it just wasn't there.

I was ok with this, since I know what it feels like to still want to be with an ex. He later emailed me and asked to be friends, since we both have similar (night) schedules and very similar interests (board games, etc). I took a few days to clarify my feelings, and came back with the fact that having been in the candy store, so to speak, I didn't feel that I could go back to a non-physical relationship- I'd be thinking all the time about how I wanted to hop into bed with him.

I think I'll be fine emotionally- sometimes I seem a bit cold-blooded even to myself in the ability to be practical about sex (especially if I know up-front that the other party has no long-term intentions whatsoever.) I think this will also be a good experience for me because I have tended to equate sex with love in the past, and now I know of course that they are not the same- this will give me a chance to put it in to practice.

Went over today, my one day off this week, and he pulled me into bed the minute I walked in the door. I wasn't complaining, and we had a nice time. It feels odd, though- he calls me "baby," cuddles and kisses me, shows me great physical affection, and all the while not emotionally involved in the least. *shrug* I dunno, this is all new territory for me. Up until this year my only lovers were my two LTRs.

In any case, I'd like to hear about FWB experiences, past, present, ongoing. Good and bad, and the outcome. What if you want to date someone else seriously? When and how do you put a stop to the "WB" part of FWB? Just curious- and would love to hear from you all.

Thanks and take care.
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Old 12th July 2005, 11:02 PM   #2
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Re: FWB Experiences?

Quote:
Originally posted by katiebour
I think this will also be a good experience for me because I have tended to equate sex with love in the past, and now I know of course that they are not the same- this will give me a chance to put it in to practice.
Based on my experience, that isn't a good plan. It's good to be able to differentiate the two, but the confusion people have is from sleeping with people they don't love then convincing themselves it's love because the sex is good. You don't solve that problem by having meaningless sex. From my experience, all you manage to do is close off a piece of your heart. The best way not to confuse love and sex is by only having sex with people you already love.

Quote:
Went over today, my one day off this week, and he pulled me into bed the minute I walked in the door. I wasn't complaining, and we had a nice time. It feels odd, though- he calls me "baby," cuddles and kisses me, shows me great physical affection, and all the while not emotionally involved in the least.
This right here shows that his 'let's be friends' speech was actually a 'I just want to **** you without any committment' speech. If he'd meant it another way, he wouldn't have pulled you into bed immediately.

I don't want to talk too much about my recent experience, because I've talked the hell out of it, but you're getting into dangerous territory with a guy that, based on his actions, probably isn't someone you should trust there. If you've only ever had sex in LTRs, you're seriously taking the chance that you'll get yourself emotionally invested in this guy by sleeping with him. The fact that he tells you he wants to be friends then pulls you into bed without considering your feelings indicates he might not be very considerate of your feelings later on if you fall for him.

Most people will tell you FWB is a bad idea with good reason. The only time it's ever worked out well for me is when it was with an ex 6 months or so after we broke up and both of us knew with 100% certainty that we didn't want to be in a relationship together.

My advice is don't go there. Get yourself a vibrator instead.

And what's with not being over his ex after 3 years? I realized that they were together for 10 years, but that still seems like a long time to me.
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Old 13th July 2005, 3:16 AM   #3
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Quote:
Based on my experience, that isn't a good plan. It's good to be able to differentiate the two, but the confusion people have is from sleeping with people they don't love then convincing themselves it's love because the sex is good. You don't solve that problem by having meaningless sex. From my experience, all you manage to do is close off a piece of your heart. The best way not to confuse love and sex is by only having sex with people you already love.
Ah, but then you get to be celibate for god knows how long while you find someone you love that loves you. I agree that sex is best with someone you love. I hear you about thinking that you love someone because of the sex.

Quote:
This right here shows that his 'let's be friends' speech was actually a 'I just want to **** you without any committment' speech. If he'd meant it another way, he wouldn't have pulled you into bed immediately.
I agree- but it takes two to tango. I'm getting committment-free ****ing too, so to speak.

Quote:
you're getting into dangerous territory with a guy that, based on his actions, probably isn't someone you should trust there. If you've only ever had sex in LTRs, you're seriously taking the chance that you'll get yourself emotionally invested in this guy by sleeping with him. The fact that he tells you he wants to be friends then pulls you into bed without considering your feelings indicates he might not be very considerate of your feelings later on if you fall for him.
Well, until this year I only had sex in LTRs. But since then I've broadened my horizons. In any case, he basically told me that he wanted to be friends only if that was something that I was comfortable with- I was the one that suggested the benefits, because I just can't see myself being only friends with someone I've slept with, not sleeping with anyone else, and not being extremely frustrated around him. I thank you for your input and will continue to proceed with caution, if I proceed at all.

Quote:
My advice is don't go there. Get yourself a vibrator instead.
Thanks, I have one.

Quote:
And what's with not being over his ex after 3 years? I realized that they were together for 10 years, but that still seems like a long time to me.
*shrug* I dunno- he's extremely protective when he talks about her, and writes a lot of frustrated, unhappy poetry about still being in love with her. You can't legislate love, I guess.

I appreciate your input. I am, as I said before, proceeding with caution. If this FWB arrangment turns out to be all benefits and no friends, I will probably end it. We'll see what happens. I am going into this with eyes wide open, and am continuing the search for a true soul mate. Honestly, I'm wondering if he's just the kind of guy who wants what he can't have, and if I become involved/interested in someone else, will turn around and suddenly have feelings for me. We'll see.

I'm actually not too worried about falling for him romantically just because of the sex- more afraid of him falling for me after I've already crossed him off my list as a potential mate.

Basically, I agreed to be friends with him because I don't know anyone, am working crazy hours, and am just settling in to a new area. I do need a friend, and the benefits certainly keep me in a good mood. But if the friendship doesn't materialize beyond the physical, then I'll end it.

Thanks for your advice- whatever the outcome, it'll be a learning experience. If it turns out to be a mistake, well then darn it I'll learn from it

My guess is that the situation as it stands won't last for more than a few months, if that. But it's nice while it lasts. If I meet someone I really like, well then I'll end the FWB arrangment.

I actually talked to a really nice guy on the phone tonight- he lives 5 hours away, but wow, what a great conversation. We'll see where that goes, although I'm certainly not anxious to deal with a LDR again. But if it happens, it happens.
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Old 13th July 2005, 11:43 AM   #4
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Friends with Benefits is always a very hard road. You start off feeling one way but 99% of the time it ends up you feeling another way. You say over and over that you won't develop feelings and you can differentiate love from sex, but in reality feelings develop from spending time with someone. Thats how love develops. I am not saying this is what happens in all cases but many. Think about it like this...

You go on a first date. You can never tell how you are going to feel about someone on a first date. You spend more time with that person and then feelings develop. Regardless of the boundaries and walls you put up feelings can develop and have you eating your own words.

I have been in FWB situation where I went in saying "this is all I want". Months down the road I was having feelings and it started to suck. They were one-sided because I had burned my bridge early.

You seem very adament to do what you want and no one can blame you. Just be careful because most FWB situations end because one ends up having feelings for the other.
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Old 13th July 2005, 5:13 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally posted by blackendangel13
Friends with Benefits is always a very hard road. You start off feeling one way but 99% of the time it ends up you feeling another way. You say over and over that you won't develop feelings and you can differentiate love from sex, but in reality feelings develop from spending time with someone.

I have been in FWB situation where I went in saying "this is all I want". Months [weeks, even days!!!!] down the road I was having feelings and it started to suck. They were one-sided because I had burned my bridge early.

Just be careful because most FWB situations end because one ends up having feelings for the other.
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Old 16th July 2005, 10:18 PM   #6
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After

After he slept with you he convienantly mentioned he was not over his ex and did not have feelings for you but would still like to sleep with you

FWB= sex with him but no strings or ties.

Do you want that ? If thats okay then go for it. But if you have FEELINGS for this man you are going to get HURT !

Either distance the feelings if possible ( which really is difficult at this point ) or stop sleeping with him

Classic FWB = he pulls you inside the door and takes you to the bedroom....wheres the dinner ?
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