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Infatuated with a colleague.


Friends and Lovers Progressing into "Friends with benefits" and beyond: When platonic relationships become more intimate.

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Old 17th December 2017, 2:56 PM   #1
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Infatuated with a colleague.

Hey guys,

I was hoping perhaps some of you have some advice how to cope with my current situation.

This has been going on for almost 7 months. A new girl started to work on my department, she is foreign and instantly knew I just had to have her.

I know I'm infatuated and I know it's not real love but I can't really seem to get her out of my mind.

Obviously, since this has been going on for a long time, it's safe to say the feelings are not mutual. The worst thing is that she most likely knows I like her but she still flirts with me or I just want to believe she flirts with me.

For example she often touches me, put her hand on my thigh in the car... things like that, talk about sex etc. She lets me touch her aswell but I did not make any real move yet because of her mixed signals and because she works with me.

She suggests doing things together but I don't seem to be able to get her to do something with me, although I always suggest things in a safe way (again because she works with me). Her english is not that great so perhaps I just do not pick up on some things.

Anyways, ofcourse I want to hear that she is into me but I know she just likes me, nothing more. I don't know if this could change some day but I do know that I should put an end to me wanting to be with her. I really do think we would be good together, 90% of the people on my department think we are dating and look good together, which also does not help.

Let me be clear; I did not chase her hard for 7 months but every time I try to distance myself from her she drags me back in.

How do I cope with this situation without finding a new job?
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Old 17th December 2017, 2:58 PM   #2
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Why are you so sure she's not interested in you?
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Old 17th December 2017, 3:12 PM   #3
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I had something similar, minus the touching and sex talk and enjoyed it because there was always a reason to smile at work!


Ok seriously, is there any reason you don't pursue her?
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Old 17th December 2017, 3:18 PM   #4
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Be direct, it's best, especially since there is a communication barrier. It seems that you are working on assumptions. Just ask her.
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Old 17th December 2017, 3:43 PM   #5
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Why are you so sure she's not interested in you?
Perhaps my infatuation with her is blurring my vision.

Last friday we had a company dinner. I had planned to try to get closer to her and if not perhaps it's best to take my distance.

When we were at the restaurant, she was late and called me she could not find a parkingspot and asked if I could help her. So I jumped in her car and we tried to find a parkingspot because she does not know the neighourbood that well.

During the ride it went pretty well , I joked with her, she laughed and then put her hand on my thigh. She is Polish but I'm pretty sure it's usually not a thing you just do with everyone. She also mentioned we could just go home and cook together and I said "Yeah, let's make a Polish dinner" on which she replied it was really hard to do.

Anyways, Dinner went fine although I could not save a seat for her so we sat seperately. After dinner we drove together again to find a different parking spot near a pub we wanted to visit. Outside I asked her if she was cold and she said yes so I put my arm around her but lost my courage because I knew I had drank some beers and didn't want to look like a fool.

When we got to the pub it was really crowded. There were my other colleagues aswell. She wanted to go somewhere else so we decided to go somewhere else but suddenly she says she wanted to go home (just after a few minutes). I said I would bring her to her car but she insisted on me staying.

So the next day she messaged me if we stayed long in that pub and I answered that we didn't. Then I asked her when she will cook that Polish dinner for me and she said "No it's too hard:P" but did not follow up on that or talk to me after that.
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Old 17th December 2017, 3:46 PM   #6
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I had something similar, minus the touching and sex talk and enjoyed it because there was always a reason to smile at work!


Ok seriously, is there any reason you don't pursue her?
Mainly because we work together and perhaps because she doesn't really come up with something. She is Polish so perhaps it's normal for the guy to come up with everything. I'm Dutch myself and girls here are very open about things like that and make an effort themselves if they like you.
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Old 17th December 2017, 6:25 PM   #7
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IDK, what it’s like in your culture, but here it’s kind of expected that you would ask her out for a date. She probably won't take your flirting seriously until you do that.

My suggestion is to stop inviting her to cook for you because she may not be able to cook, she may not feel comfortable being alone with you at her place, or she may feel that it’s a set up for sex.

After you go on a few dates together, you can offer to cook Dutch food for her, but be careful because it will carry the connotation that it’s a set-up for sex which may put her off.
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Old 17th December 2017, 7:13 PM   #8
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IDK, what itís like in your culture, but here itís kind of expected that you would ask her out for a date. She probably won't take your flirting seriously until you do that.

My suggestion is to stop inviting her to cook for you because she may not be able to cook, she may not feel comfortable being alone with you at her place, or she may feel that itís a set up for sex.

After you go on a few dates together, you can offer to cook Dutch food for her, but be careful because it will carry the connotation that itís a set-up for sex which may put her off.
Where do you come from?

I suppose it's just that I'm afraid of rejection but I guess it's the only way to really know. I think with Dutch girls or girls who are really into you it works to just give them some hints so they respond to those hints and you know if you can ask them out.

Perhaps with girls from Eastern Europe it's different.

I made the 'cooking' comment because last friday we had a company dinner but she couldn't find a parking spot so she suggested like a joke to go home together and cook something. I do agree that perhaps it may look like I just want to have sex with her... I'm not sure what kind of girl she is but it could be she's offended by that.
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Old 17th December 2017, 7:16 PM   #9
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Where do you come from?

I suppose it's just that I'm afraid of rejection but I guess it's the only way to really know. I think with Dutch girls or girls who are really into you it works to just give them some hints so they respond to those hints and you know if you can ask them out.

Perhaps with girls from Eastern Europe it's different.
She put her hand on your leg while alone with you in her car! And suggested you ditch the company dinner and go back to her place!

Ask her out on a proper date .
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Old 17th December 2017, 7:30 PM   #10
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She put her hand on your leg while alone with you in her car! And suggested you ditch the company dinner and go back to her place!

Ask her out on a proper date .
Well... to be fair she did that when I made her laugh so I'm not sure if that changes anything? Also ditching the company dinner was probably a joke but we also found a parking spot right after that....
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Old 17th December 2017, 7:34 PM   #11
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Well... to be fair she did that when I made her laugh so I'm not sure if that changes anything? Also ditching the company dinner was probably a joke but we also found a parking spot right after that....
It's called flirting .
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Old 17th December 2017, 8:49 PM   #12
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I would suggest that you not do this. Because you'll never live it down if things don't work out. Had egg on my face after I had a thing with a coworker a few years ago, I hope I never see him again (which I don't because we don't work together anymore). Close the books and move on from this.
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Old 17th December 2017, 10:01 PM   #13
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I would suggest that you not do this. Because you'll never live it down if things don't work out. Had egg on my face after I had a thing with a coworker a few years ago, I hope I never see him again (which I don't because we don't work together anymore). Close the books and move on from this.
Yes, I agree with you. It's not the best idea to get involved with a co-worker. Sometimes you just can't help it when you really like someone and the way I see it I only have options that are bad.

1. I go find another job.
2. I ignore her. I will never know if she wanted me but it will take a long time to get over her since I'm still seeing her daily.
3. I take the risk of asking her out and get rejected or we do hit it off but it could possibly end badly.
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Old 17th December 2017, 10:53 PM   #14
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I don't care which country/culture, no woman goes around putting her hand on a man's thigh if she didn't want him. Arm, shoulder, back, even chest, ok. But not thigh! Knee, ok. Not thigh! not the butt!
Why don't you just tell her that you had considered asking her out on a date but you're not sure if you should, because you work together. Then you are being completely honest, without putting her on the spot. If she's not interested, she can just say yeah it's not a good idea to date people from work. No awkward rejection. If she wants to date you, she'll talk you into it.
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Old 17th December 2017, 10:56 PM   #15
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So what if you get rejected? At least you won't be haunted with a "what if?" If she's worth her salt, she won't shun you afterward even if she says no.
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