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FWB Fallout -- I want to end the friendship, he doesn't

Friends and Lovers Progressing into "Friends with benefits" and beyond: When platonic relationships become more intimate.

Old 2nd November 2017, 10:13 PM   #1
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FWB Fallout -- I want to end the friendship, he doesn't

My FWB & I both caught feelings, but we were never both ready at the same time (we were plagued by clashing personal hangups that just couldn't sync). A couple of months ago, I took a week & a half's worth of space during which time I decided to open up & take the relationship plunge. During our silence, he became serious about someone else.

When I learned this, I wrote a letter to say where my head was at, wished him the best, & asked for no contact/an ending to our friendship (at least for now). For three weeks, he listened. Then he contacted me followed by a confrontation at a friend's house that he instigated. What followed was a cycle of him either breaking contact or picking a fight in a neutral environment, him getting angry at how upset it made me, me getting angry with him over this, & finally me contacting him to set some ground rules for public interaction. Obviously it didn't work. I realise now I should have just disappeared, but I was too emotional at the time & too determined not to miss out on my other friendships over this. It wasn't fair to anyone.

Last week, I relented again, & we had a face to face that, surprisingly, didn't have much anger involved. He still deeply loves me (something he's said more than once over the last couple of months). He still thinks about me "once or twice a day". He wishes I had told him to wait or that I had made up my mind sooner. He feels life isn't getting any shorter, so he went for something & truly hopes he made the right decision. He doesn't feel this should be treated like a breakup since we never technically dated. When I asked if he loved her & was happy, he said yes.

He's angry at me for ending our friendship, for not trusting him to the level he wanted, for getting angry when he calls me babe or touches my leg out of habit because he doesn't mean anything by it. I just believe that a man in a committed relationship should be mindful of how he acts around other women, especially former lovers. I find it disrespectful. He claims that she knows about our past just that she "doesn't know details" but is completely okay with us. He feels I'm being insecure to not be okay with the situation myself. When I asked him if she was aware how he feels about me then & now, he skirted around the issue & eventually said that he tells her everything (just not the details).

We left things at me wanting us both to take some time to let our feelings fade before we can even consider having a friendship. He almost said that maybe one day we would be together, but he trailed off... I'm not sure if he realized he didn't want to say it or if he saw the look on my face & felt it best not to continue. Nevertheless, I made it clear that I was not a future option. I don't want to risk being strung along.

He's going to be moving in with her soon. He needs out of his current living situation, & he wants life to get back on track. He's moving forward, but he wants me in his life as a friend as we promised at the start to never lose that. He ended by offering to help me with a couple of things that would keep him in my life once or twice a month, but I politely declined. We settled on him giving me space for a year since prior no contact requests had no set end dates & because he admitted that he felt it was okay to touch base every couple of weeks due to how close we had been. If this time isn't different, he will be re-blocked & all contact ignored.

I guess what I want to know at this point is... am I overreacting? & am I being ridiculous for distancing myself from this friendship? I understand that I am probably a little hard on him at times, but I'm not the one who immediately jumped into a relationship before I had time to deal with my feelings for someone else. It doesn't seem fair to her or me that he's telling me all that he's telling me even if he doesn't intend to act out on any of it... even if it is his way to find closure. I just feel devalued. If I'm being unreasonable, though, I think I need to hear it.
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Old 2nd November 2017, 10:33 PM   #2
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I don't think you're being unfair. Cut him off. He's trying to keep you around for backup.
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Old 3rd November 2017, 10:07 PM   #3
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He seems pretty keen on keeping you around, despite having met someone else. I think he does have feelings for you and feels torn. He has met someone but he doesn't want to lose you. It is not a situation you feel you can tolerate though. By steering clear of him, you will force him to confront his feelings. If he wants you, he'll probably come looking for you. If he feels she is more suitable, he'll give up but not without a fight.

Do what makes you more comfortable. It sounds like you would be unhappy to see him with someone else, so maybe a long break is what you need.
"You ain't a beauty but hey, you're alright" ('Thunder Road', Bruce Springsteen)
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Old 17th November 2017, 3:03 AM   #4
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I'm sure he's having a difficult time with this, too. I don't think he felt I was an option when he started dating her. He's got not choice but to deal with the situation now, though. I've blocked him & am officially avoiding any social interactions where he might appear. I'm still angry off & on at the situation, & I wish that I had gone to this extreme when things first came to a head. I was just trying to preserve mutual friendships. I finally realized that true friendships will survive a situation like this, & my friends value my well being.
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