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FWB Fallout -- I want to end the friendship, he doesn't


Friends and Lovers Progressing into "Friends with benefits" and beyond: When platonic relationships become more intimate.

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Old 2nd November 2017, 10:13 PM   #1
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FWB Fallout -- I want to end the friendship, he doesn't

My FWB & I both caught feelings, but we were never both ready at the same time (we were plagued by clashing personal hangups that just couldn't sync). A couple of months ago, I took a week & a half's worth of space during which time I decided to open up & take the relationship plunge. During our silence, he became serious about someone else.

When I learned this, I wrote a letter to say where my head was at, wished him the best, & asked for no contact/an ending to our friendship (at least for now). For three weeks, he listened. Then he contacted me followed by a confrontation at a friend's house that he instigated. What followed was a cycle of him either breaking contact or picking a fight in a neutral environment, him getting angry at how upset it made me, me getting angry with him over this, & finally me contacting him to set some ground rules for public interaction. Obviously it didn't work. I realise now I should have just disappeared, but I was too emotional at the time & too determined not to miss out on my other friendships over this. It wasn't fair to anyone.

Last week, I relented again, & we had a face to face that, surprisingly, didn't have much anger involved. He still deeply loves me (something he's said more than once over the last couple of months). He still thinks about me "once or twice a day". He wishes I had told him to wait or that I had made up my mind sooner. He feels life isn't getting any shorter, so he went for something & truly hopes he made the right decision. He doesn't feel this should be treated like a breakup since we never technically dated. When I asked if he loved her & was happy, he said yes.

He's angry at me for ending our friendship, for not trusting him to the level he wanted, for getting angry when he calls me babe or touches my leg out of habit because he doesn't mean anything by it. I just believe that a man in a committed relationship should be mindful of how he acts around other women, especially former lovers. I find it disrespectful. He claims that she knows about our past just that she "doesn't know details" but is completely okay with us. He feels I'm being insecure to not be okay with the situation myself. When I asked him if she was aware how he feels about me then & now, he skirted around the issue & eventually said that he tells her everything (just not the details).

We left things at me wanting us both to take some time to let our feelings fade before we can even consider having a friendship. He almost said that maybe one day we would be together, but he trailed off... I'm not sure if he realized he didn't want to say it or if he saw the look on my face & felt it best not to continue. Nevertheless, I made it clear that I was not a future option. I don't want to risk being strung along.

He's going to be moving in with her soon. He needs out of his current living situation, & he wants life to get back on track. He's moving forward, but he wants me in his life as a friend as we promised at the start to never lose that. He ended by offering to help me with a couple of things that would keep him in my life once or twice a month, but I politely declined. We settled on him giving me space for a year since prior no contact requests had no set end dates & because he admitted that he felt it was okay to touch base every couple of weeks due to how close we had been. If this time isn't different, he will be re-blocked & all contact ignored.

I guess what I want to know at this point is... am I overreacting? & am I being ridiculous for distancing myself from this friendship? I understand that I am probably a little hard on him at times, but I'm not the one who immediately jumped into a relationship before I had time to deal with my feelings for someone else. It doesn't seem fair to her or me that he's telling me all that he's telling me even if he doesn't intend to act out on any of it... even if it is his way to find closure. I just feel devalued. If I'm being unreasonable, though, I think I need to hear it.
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Old 2nd November 2017, 10:33 PM   #2
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I don't think you're being unfair. Cut him off. He's trying to keep you around for backup.
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Old 3rd November 2017, 10:07 PM   #3
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He seems pretty keen on keeping you around, despite having met someone else. I think he does have feelings for you and feels torn. He has met someone but he doesn't want to lose you. It is not a situation you feel you can tolerate though. By steering clear of him, you will force him to confront his feelings. If he wants you, he'll probably come looking for you. If he feels she is more suitable, he'll give up but not without a fight.

Do what makes you more comfortable. It sounds like you would be unhappy to see him with someone else, so maybe a long break is what you need.
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Old 17th November 2017, 3:03 AM   #4
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I'm sure he's having a difficult time with this, too. I don't think he felt I was an option when he started dating her. He's got not choice but to deal with the situation now, though. I've blocked him & am officially avoiding any social interactions where he might appear. I'm still angry off & on at the situation, & I wish that I had gone to this extreme when things first came to a head. I was just trying to preserve mutual friendships. I finally realized that true friendships will survive a situation like this, & my friends value my well being.
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Old 11th December 2017, 7:36 AM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bb444 View Post
My FWB & I both caught feelings, but we were never both ready at the same time (we were plagued by clashing personal hangups that just couldn't sync). A couple of months ago, I took a week & a half's worth of space during which time I decided to open up & take the relationship plunge. During our silence, he became serious about someone else.
Are you saying you guys were only away from each other 1-1/2 weeks and he got serious and entered a relationship with another girl? This guy seems to catch feelings fast. Since he is moving in with his new gf you definitely should end your friendship with him. He has said he loves her and it sounds like they are getting serious. For your own mental health block him from contacting you. He does have a choice and doesn't have to just deal with her. If he wants to be with you he would break up with her and be with you. It doesn't matter that he still wants to be friends. You have to do what is best for you and that would be to block him.

Last edited by stillafool; 11th December 2017 at 7:39 AM..
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Old 11th December 2017, 10:43 AM   #6
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Of course you aren't overeating. You have a right to protect yourself and distance yourself from someone you are interested in but is dating someone else. Removing yourself from this situation makes sense to stop hurting yourself and to respect his relationship. He has no right to try and stop you from pulling back. If he was really a friend, he would respect your wish and not want to hurt you. Sure, if later down the line you get over it, even start seeing someone else, a friendship might be possible, but right now it isn't. You would only be hurting yourself and prolonging your agony. Tbh, with the way he is behaving, I'm not sure why you'd want to be his friend, now or in the future.

He's clearly trying to keep you around because he gets an ego boost about it. Every time you try and pull away, he gets the thrill of knowing you're still into him. Go NC, block and move on from a friend who doesn't have your best interests at heart.
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Old 19th December 2017, 5:06 PM   #7
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I did end up blocking him. I unblocked him once for a legitimate exception, & it was more of the same. No contact resumed when the situation resolved. I also recently saw him at a social gathering that I wasn't willing to miss. I wasn't as nice as perhaps I could have been, but I did well overall. Other than these two instances, he's been out of my life, & I've been much better for it. I still have my moments, but I've been moving forward. Maybe I'll resume a friendship with him in the future... or maybe not. I won't consider that decision for a long time.
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Old 18th February 2018, 11:30 AM   #8
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Went out of town & had a great vacation. Now I'm back in town & feeling a bit down & out. I've been doing OLD & have a couple of potentials that I haven't met yet. My top pick I feel like has fizzled out while I was gone. The second's slower build up was less effected by the spotty vacation contact, but he lives further away. I feel like I was on the edge of getting back into the swing of things but just kind of fell backwards.

It's with this mindset that I ran into my exFWB at a mutual friend's house. He was very nice, asking questions that I politely but coldly answered. I made no attempt at furthering any conversation. He also offered to get me something from the kitchen a couple of times while I was there (I declined). At one point he inserted himself into an enjoyable conversation my friend & I were having, & for a brief moment, there were old times. I left shortly thereafter. I just don't want to be around him.

A part of me feels that I shouldn't be angry. He's going out of his way to be nice instead of picking fights. It's just that I don't want nice... I want nothing. I made it clear how I felt after our last contact -- he forced his opinion on a personal matter of mine that a friend told him about... I told him that the topic was off limits when he brought it up, but as he was upset he crossed that line, anyway. He was consistently disrespectful to both his girlfriend & me. I understand that there were feelings that BOTH of us needed to work through, but he wasn't even honest about that. It was the last straw.

I'm not sure what to do next. Should I continue as I did yesterday, being polite but unengaged & leaving if he doesn't respect my boundaries? Or should I risk a fight by reminding him that I want to be left alone & that we'll never be friends? At this point, I refuse to avoid my mutual friends entirely, so I will likely run into him again. Once he moves in with his girlfriend (something that he told me was happening months ago but hasn't yet), he'll be around even less. Until then, though, if he feels that there's a chance or rekindling a friendship, I can see him pushing the point. I need advice on how to handle that. I've been coping well up to this point, & I don't want him damaging that.
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Old 18th February 2018, 4:07 PM   #9
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Avoid when at all possible. Ask your friends to please keep in mind you don't want to see him. But if it happens, avoid as much as you can but if you can't, be barely polite, then walk off.
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