Hopeless

[Blackdog21]

I am posting this here, because i need to let it off my chest . There is absolutely no one i can talk to, and its making it hard to breathe. I think ive fallen in love , after a long ****in time , I didn't think it would happen for a while now. But my God , it blindsided me , and hit me like a truck. I lost all my bearings, lost the sense of time and purpose, and its all the more annoying to me cos im in my late twenties, and this anguish reminds me of my teenage, im not used to I am posting this here, because i need to let off my chest. There is absolutely no one i can talk to, and its making it hard to breathe. I think ive fallen in love , after a long ****in time , I didn't think it would happen for a while now. But my God , it blindsided me , and hit me like a truck. I lost all my bearings, lost the sense of time and purpose, and its all the more annoying to me cos im in my late twenties, and this anguish reminds me of my teenage, im not used to such strong feelings. But i am at the same time thrilled to feel so alive , although its painful the fact it is such a sharp contrast to my stupor before this its almost a relief.

I used stay at my friend's place from time time, and her neighbor was this girl who had just moved in. There was nothing at first, but as i went to stay there a couple of times more, we had this weird eye thing going on , and I could sense some tension. Still we didn't really interact , except for banal neighbor stuff like borrowing a hammer or something. It never amounted to anything and i just generally figured i like her because she is an attractive person. How many times does it happen that we are intrigued by an attractive stranger and then we forget about it in a few days. For almost a year i kept visiting my friend from time to time and this girl was just an interesting attractive person on the periphery of my life, like an afterthought. Until just last month.

Last month i had to stay with my friend for a month , because of work. such strong feelings. But i am at the same time thrilled to feel so alive , although its painful the fact it is such a sharp contrast to my stupor before this its almost a relief.

I used stay at my friend's place from time time, and her neighbor was this girl who had just moved in. There was nothing at first, but as i went to stay there a couple of times more, we had this weird eye thing going on , and I could sense some tension. Still we didn't really interact , except for banal neighbor stuff like borrowing a hammer or something. It never amounted to anything and i just generally figured i like her because she is an attractive person. How many times does it happen that we are intrigued by an attractive stranger and then we forget about it in a few days. For almost a year i kept visiting my friend from time to time and this girl was just an interesting attractive person on the periphery of my life, like an afterthought. Until just last month.

 

Last month i had to stay with my friend for a longer duration because of some work i had. Thats when things started to get strange for me. The tension between us, just went through the roof, and the whole eye thing was just getting crazy. Now that i was living right there , our lives intersected and i saw her clearly for the first time. Days blended into each other and before i knew it i would try to come out the flat at the same time as her , and leave the door open late into the night so i could say hi to her when she would return. She left early morning and returned late night , some times early evenings, I could intuitively guess when she would be coming back, but sometimes when she would be late the wait would kill me. I couldn't​ focus on work anymore. Needless to say i just felt too ****in powerless and wondered what the **** was going on with me !! All this when i hadn't even had a proper conversation with her. I decided i had to end this awkwardness between us. Now note this, i am a very shy person and i would never be the first one to start a conversation with anyone, no matter what. But here​ i was , driven out of my wits, it was as if i wasn't myself anymore. I would brainstorm on how to strike a casual conversation with her, but i hardly knew anything about her! I wondered if we even had anything in common. But such is life, it gives you exactly what you want when you least expect it.

One morning i needed some change, and she was around so i asked her , she invited me in, and as i was standing near the doorway thinking of something to say, i blurted out " do you know smoking will do **** to your lungs" , because that's what she was doing, she smoked a lot, and i don't know what came over me that i said it to her face. She looked at me, perplexed, by then I realized i had said something weird and completely random. I started apologizing like a maniac thinking ive ruined my chances of further interaction, but then she smiled and said " i appreciate your concern" . God ! The relief I felt, we sort of laughed about it later . After that i would try and make small conversations with her , and we became friendly. We would mostly meet in the evenings or at night when she would be back , we talked in the common terrace while she smoked. I found out that we did have things in common , but we were also fundamentally different in crucial ways. By this time i had given completely surrendered to my feelings for her. I did not question why ,what or where it would lead, I just wanted to be able to talk to her ,even when not talking i was content to be around her while she was in her apartment. My sanity rested on her presence. In about a weeks time we had become good friends . I dont flatter myself , and I never have any delusions about whether someone is interested in me.But I felt a camaraderie with her,as she did with me it was evident i cant put it in words the familiarity I felt, I suppose this what people mean when they say chemistry. I did not want anything from her, only to be able to listen to her. She was reticent and it was a task in the beginning to get her to open up a little, but then she would for some moments be uninhibited and it was magic.

Good things don't last , she was moving away i learnt. In about a week. I was so overcome , i don't even know how those days passed till finally i carried her stuff to the moving truck. And with one unsatisfactory handshake it was goodbye.

It was only a week of meaningful conversations that i got and I can't believe ive lost my mind over that.

I seem to be desperately in love with this woman, and I don't even know if we're friends! She added me on Facebook, and she seems to have a general aversion to social media. She still prefers to send an SMS over any other mode of messaging. After stalking her entire Facebook account ive come to the conclusion that we belong to completely different worlds. Shes one of those intense activist people , that seem to have no personal lives. And i am a person with a very narrow circle of concerns, its not that i don't care, i just find it hard to engage myself with a wider sense of purpose involving society at large. I wondered if for her I could try to involve myself more with social issues but then that would be lying to myself and to her; inauthencity doesn't last much....

I messaged her , once or twice , but haven't got a reply from her yet. I tell myself that shes probably busy cos she's​ not even in the city, at the same time i can see it that maybe it was nothing more to her than the week that we had. I loathe myself for falling for someone I barely know, but is it even in my control? I can think of particular objective reasons that draw me to her , but not one of those reasons is why im possessed by her, its all of the reasons, and none of those reasons. For a few moments i could sense her utter vulnerability , it was so brief that I could've​ imagined it, but i know that i didn't imagine it. I caught her off guard a few times , when she looked so alone, i wanted to reach out and touch her, but it was no ****in use. You hesitate and the moment is gone. I would be thrilled when she would be present with all her attention on me, but there were times when she was so withdrawn and far away.

I don't have any hopes, i only wonder if we will remain friends whatever that means. Its been three weeks since i saw her. And I have this burden of my feelings to bear. I feel so exhausted now, its so bizzare that people can wreak such havoc in lives adjacent to theirs and be completely oblivious. I resent her, and i resent myself, sometimes i wonder if i shouldve talked to her earlier , whether it would've​ given me more time. But does it even matter? I know ill move on, we move on from everything, my feelings will pass into nothingness, i fear one day ill wake up and feel nothing for her. Shell be just like anyone else to me , that is she'll be no one to me. Like in the movie anomalisa her voice will be the same for me as of everyone else's. At the moment I want to wrap myself in her voice , but i know its ephemeral. Why give me a glimpse of something so beautiful and take it away? I don't know how this will play out, but i suffer so much.... I want to move on and I don't​ want to move on .

[d0nnivain]

You are going to have to make a move & soon or she will forever be the one that got away.

 

You have her phone #. You have had some interactions. Call her up & ask her to meet you for coffee or a drink (yes both of those are dates). See what she says. Assuming she agrees, go on the date & talk to her. You don't have to make sparkling conversation. You have to ask Qs, be interested in her answers & be willing to reveal certain things about yourself.

 

Ask about her new flat; ask about her new neighbors; ask about her job, her childhood, her favorites (music, movies, places, foods etc.)

 

Shy introverts like yourself need more bubbly people to date. We bring you out of your shells but give you a safe place / touchstone in public. I do this for my husband & I used to do it for my dad, after my mom got too ill to be his social buffer & he had to be hers.

 

Even if this girl says no at least you tried. If you don't ask you will end up stewing & regretting the chance you never took. Who was it, Wayne Gretsky, that said "you miss 100% of the shots you never take".

[preraph]

You should have asked her out before now but if she ever acknowledges your Facebook presence then ask her out. Be sure when you ask her out that she knows it's for a real date. Pretending to just be your friend to get someone to go out with you is the coward's way out and women don't respect it and feel betrayed by it. So ask her on a date and if she does happen to reject you forget about her and move on. Hiking tell you're a little obsessive and being obsessive and continuing to pursue someone who has told you no will get you nowhere and just waste big big blocks of your life so don't do that. Good luck.

[Blackdog21]

Thanks for replying guys. And yeah it seems im a little obsessive ha ha. But im not an obsessive person you know! Im just baffled that this girl has so much hold on me. I cant recognise the person i am right now, because it never happens to me. Anyway i sent her one more message today, i dont care if she finds me desperate. At least ill know whats on her mind. If i scare her off then .. boohoo for me, but all this wait just exhausts me mentally ...

[preraph]

Take advice and stop sending messages unless the message is "Let's go out Saturday." You're driving yourself further into the ground with every desperate fearful message you write instead of just manning up and asking her out.

[d0nnivain]

Stop pestering her & ask her on a date already.

[Blackdog21]

I know from a friend shes not in town! can i wait for her to get back? im assuming that is why shes not replying(among other things:confused:)

Also i reread my initial post, it has some text which is not arranged properly,it happens when i type from my phone,makes me seem a bit crazed, so dont judge me:p...

[d0nnivain]

Yes you can wait until she's back in town but once she is, stop beating around the bush.

 

On her end she's probably talking to her friends about this cute guy who is always sweet to her, contacts her, flirts but then doesn't do anything.

[Blackdog21]

yess, finally got a reply. She said she didnt reply cos when she travels she kinda takes a break from everyone she knows in the city. But shes back and needs to time to set up in her new flat. And casually said that shell see me sometime soon. God, the relief!! I guess ill set up a meeting with her soon after shes done with her setting up...