Is a divorce coming (not me)?

[AgainstAllOdds1]

I am friendly with a girl I cross paths with a few times each week. She's flirty, we share some laughs and she handed me her phone number. However, there is one caveat - she's married. Because of this, we flirt for fun, but I never try to escalate it or ask her to hang out. At least that's how I see things.

 

Over the past couple of weeks, I have picked up on some subtle changes: she never brings up her husband in conversation, she bought me a cheap gift tying into a joke we shared, and I've noticed her walking around without her wedding ring. The cherry on top? I told her a coworker of mine got engaged, to which she says, "she doesn't know what she's getting herself into." Again, this coming from a married woman. And it didn't sound like joking.

 

My one question is if this is the typical behavior of someone thinking about divorce. I've luckily never witnessed a divorce, whether it be family or friends, so this would be new. For me personally, it doesn't change what I do because I pursue single women. But maybe only one of us is flirting just for fun.

Edited June 27, 2017 by AgainstAllOdds1

[maxi105]

hi there against all odds:

 

I'm going to be really frank with you, so I'm just preparing you for my thoughts. ive tried to be fair, but I don't know you or the people involved, so ive tried to guess my way into this problem. so these are my thoughts.

 

if she likes you and you suspect she does (married or not) then I suspect your flirting for fun isn't actually fun anymore, and it sounds as though it is crossing or could possibly be crossing over into developing feelings on her side.

 

if this is the case then really you should be fair to her and stop flirting with her.

 

she has already handed you her number! and you suspect she is unhappy in her marriage.

 

it's no good asking total strangers who don't know you or this person if this is typical of a potential divorce or not! do you wish for a divorce for her?

 

I'm not sure your comment about it doesn't change what you do...etc, as it there is a dynamic already that is suggestive between you (to whatever degree of strength it is), you have been affected by her whether you recognize this or not, accept it or agree with me or not, you say you pursue single women only (very admirable of course, and many partners might sigh a thankful relief there if they've been on the downside of affairs etc) but you are wanting to know and listening out for the reactions of a married woman and I'm not sure why you would be bothering to do that if you only deal with single women (what's the angle there I wonder)?....either way, even if you have no motive on that point - it is playing games!!!! and from what little you say, you have the advantage and power in this situation, and are aware of it, but what you don't say in this situation is if things were different or a divorce was on the cards whether you yourself would be the first to jump in and be willing to get with this woman regardless of what she would be facing as a result.

 

maybe she is unhappy in her current relationship, but that may not mean that she automatically wants to be with you in that way (you might just be a happier reminder of her dating days and how attractive someone once made her feel). maybe she was just responding to a comment that was about a certain colleague, not thinking that you are trying to relate it to her situation, maybe she had an argument that day or other issues are bringing her down that her partner won't listen to and she is talking about that not a divorce or anything..the truth is that you don't know, and we don't either.

 

people flirt for all kinds of reasons and there are those that flirt and lead people on with no intention for anymore (in a way that's what you are doing now, so why shouldn't she, if she sees a lot of you it may just be her being familiar and fun with you to break from the home problems...who knows)?

 

if you don't want anything from her in terms of romantic relationships with her then give her the respect she deserves and let her marriage come to a conclusion (if that is what it is going to happen) without your input!!!! because if you are not interested in her in a relationship intimate way then surely you must know that she has so much more to lose than you!!!!

 

divorce is a big deal even for those that agree that's what is needed to save the people involved, it affects both parties and brings up vulnerable emotions and raw emotions, especially if another person moves on and wants to re-marry or the old partner hears of the progress of the other and they haven't got over it or found anyone new.

 

unless you talk to this woman you are not going to know how she feels, but again, just because you ask about her very personal life it doesn't give you the right for her to feel obliged to start telling you about it either!

 

I don't know if she likes you or if you are just flattered by the game of flirting and are flirting with someone knowing that she is not available so it is safe for you.

 

either way, it doesn't sound that fair. it sounds as though you do like her but are waiting for her consent, all I would say is if that is the truth? then just be 100% certain that you can and will give her what you suspect that she wants, a long term partner who is mature, attentive, loving and committed - if you don't feel you can offer her that and are just a friend to her and nothing else: then do the right thing and back off from this situation, otherwise you could destroy other lives as well as hers and all for nothing but a bit of office/social fun or having your ego stroked and curiosity raised.

 

I don't mean to sound too harsh in my reply as I don't know what the truth of any of this is, but I do think you need to STOP and think about what it is you want or don't want.

 

if I'm honest with you, some of what you suggest here doesn't sound wholly convincing I'm afraid.... it sounds like there is a hidden agenda (and maybe even on both sides) that until you discuss it with her (if she is willing to talk about this with you) then it isn't really a fair or equal pursuit of someone.

 

there seems a fair bit of naivety surrounding your post too, I don't mean that in a rude way, but I think that maybe you are not thinking things through as well as you might in a situation like this that could become potentially very serious or life changing for her. flirting for you may be fun, but I'm not sure many out there who have, or who are on the edge of a marriage breakdown would describe the finality of a divorce as anything anywhere near fun.

 

my advice to you would be back off from he endless questions and if you fancy her in anyway and if she becomes single then maybe you can give it a go then. I'm not saying don't talk and don't be friends, just be mature about your conversations and cut out the flirting.

 

I think you are looking for things that are, or might be wrong in her marriage because there is a deeper part of you that would also like things to be different for you both, and so I'm wondering if you are projecting things from her point of view, but actually, this situation is very much about you too!!!!

 

there are several questions in this situation, not just about her not wearing a wedding ring etc that don't feel right somehow..but I feel you also should be honest with yourself and address what seems pretty obvious and as very much a serious question that will also affect her.

 

I'm also not sure about the I only look for single people sentiment: (I'm not suggesting you go hunting married people, if you say you don't then I believe you don't, but I'm not sure the motive behind that, and its making me question whether secretly you love or would want her if things were different but can't lose face so are bringing up the fact that the caveat is her marriage? why is it her marriage the caveat, if you only are into single women??? because if you do secretly like her too, then you must ask yourself if you could you love her if she wanted you and was free, and is your flirting really for fun? if so, then maybe then and only then should you even talk to her about her marriage.

 

if you are just a friend or acquaintance to her then maybe her marriage could just be facing a hiccup for all you know or she may just have given her number to talk to you about her problems in confidence and the flirting might just be a way of saying or enjoying the fact that she's still attractive to someone.

 

I hope you are not offended by what I've written here, I'm just being honest with what you've written about. maybe others here might offer you some more helpful advice if you are not happy in any way with what I am saying. but I always say write what is in my head and the intention is not generally to offend.

 

I don't know you or her or how things are for her, so like your thoughts of her marriage I have to guess.

 

if you do like her and she wants you, just be sure that IS what you want and you understand just what she will sacrifice for you and be sure that love is really what you feel for her 100%. flirting is one thing, standing by and flirting as though you want to be with someone or like them in anyway which could lead to a ruined marriage (if you know it's only a game or for fun) is not responsible, fair or ethical, it's pretty selfish and low and not to mention arrogant.

 

but I'm sure you are not the sort to be so reckless with someone's feelings as you suspect they are getting deeper, just think more carefully about where things (or where you suspect) things may be going and do the responsible thing by her.

 

if you know you don't like her in that way or it is just a bit of fun, then don't pry into her personal affairs or relationship issues any further! you have NO right to just know peoples business without them wanting to talk about things and no right to start playing games or prying into her business in order to try and find out about her personal issues. nosiness like that about such very personal issues isn't really true friendship I feel, it's just manipulative and about your issues not hers.

 

we all have a right to a private life particularly where relationships are concerned. flirting can be hurtful once emotions get too deep, so please question your own motives for knowing her business, before you even think of asking her for her personal feelings to be shown to you.

 

if she has children, then divorce will not be fun for them or anyone else in her family!

 

best wishes, and sorry if this sounds harsh in anyway, I'm just trying to give an honest reply that either backs up maybe what you have thought about before, or think about things that maybe you might not have considered at the time you posted.

 

I do wish you well with this, just go very carefully with this, it sounds like feelings are already getting very involved one way or another, and although you are looking in on her issues and questioning her actions, I feel it might spare her more further potential anxiety (if she isn't interested in you in that way) for pure friendship as an outlet for her to cry on your shoulder or discuss her difficult times if she comes to you).

 

whatever, just remember that she sounds pretty vulnerable right now!!!! from what you've said at the moment, so as a "friend" (and that's what you should be to her right now and nothing else) then you might be kinder to let her come to you either way if she wants to just talk or confide in you, and keep the flirting only for those that are willing and fully available.

 

however, if there is something more to this and there is a hidden agenda here to which you are trying to route into her personal business for some moral objection to her behavior or anything else where you are trying to find her secrets or why she isn't wearing her wedding ring (which I hope isn't the case - but I've known it happen in the past from people who don't like what their friends do so want to pick over and shame them)!!!! which is very wrong, then unless it's something awful like that then I can only wish you good luck with this situation.

 

let her come to you, just remember even as a friend you probably don't know as much as you think about her relationship and therefore you should and must respect that at all times, regardless of your feelings about this situation or for what you feel for her or you are guessing that she feels or is starting to feel (possibly) for you.

 

I don't know this situation but I hope it can be sorted for you and her in a dignified respectful way.

[PegNosePete]

Whether she is divorcing or not, consider this.

 

She has shown you exactly what type of woman she is. She is the type who will hand out her number and flirt with other guys. She has no boundaries and will openly disrespect her partner and her relationship. You see it as a little flirting; how does her husband see it, do you think?

 

Now it's possible the position of her partner will soon become vacant. Knowing how she treats her current partner, are you sure you want to apply for that role?