I got friendzoned but I cant make sense of it

[surfingdude17]

Hey all,

 

this is going to be a bit longer and I hope some will take the time to read it..

 

Some time ago I was in Thailand for vacations and a female friend I knew from university commented on a post and we started talking a bit about the best places in Thailand etc. It was just very casual and we didnt have any date or relationship before. After I was back we met for dinner and spend the whole night laughing and talking. Nothing really happened, but from that day we starting meeting close to every day, and when we didnt meet we wrote or spoke on the phone. She told me that she broke up last year and was extremely cautious after she had been disappointed heavily so I didnt want to rush things and just enjoyed that I was actually seeing her.

 

The past two months were amazing and we did a lot of things together - she introduced me to her best (female) friend and I introduced her to my friends. She also casually told me that she was talking to her mother about me and that she was dreaming about us, even though she didnt say what exactly. When she was abroad for work for a week twice, she brought me little gifts, but just for me and not anyone else. I felt like this was an indicator that things are going great even though we werent even officially dating at that point.

 

But obviously, I wanted more and I wanted to show her that. I am not a very straightforward guy but always when I tried to show her that I am more interesting in her than just being friends (by saying things like "I feel like we fit together really nicely" or "You are really important to me and I enjoy spending time with you") and I am pretty sure she got the memo - she awkwardly dodged my approaches by laughing it off or telling me not too be so charming. I knew that I might have been drifting towards the friendzone, but I was just enjoying time with her and was afraid to **** it up by being too rash. Also, she told me that she wanted to be in a relationship and didnt like to be single. I was under the impression that since we spent so much time together, there would be no point in just being friends since there was really no space for both of us to meet other people at that point.

 

But since she always kind of denied my approaches I was starting to get frustrated. Evertyime I felt like I was at a point where I needed to move on, she suddenly made unusual plans like travelling together for a weekend to a different country and other things I would usually not do with a female friend and neither would she with a male friend. I figured out that after two months of casually dating without doing more than holding hands, I needed to be straight. I know I should have been honest much earlier, but I am really shy and I just thought that things are going well and they will sort out the closer we get.

 

Yesterday, after having seen her for close to every damn day of the week after work and writing all day and spending an amazing day, I just wanted to know whats going on. So I said to her that she means to me more than a "friend" and wanted to know what she feels. She seemed to be honestly surprised and just said " I am confused right now". When I asked why she was surprised about my feelings, she replied "I just hope that was meant in a platonic way because I see us as friends". I was silent for a moment because I didnt know what to say and then just followed up with "Well I am surprised now, because after everything we did in the last two months I was under another impression, but seems I got it wrong ". There was a bit more awkward silence and then we left for home.

 

Today, after not having talked for most of the day, we chatted a bit and the initial tension was gone and we had a bit of smalltalk. I know I am deep in the friendzone. Probably was already friendzoned much earlier. I probably just didnt want to accept it since I was 100% sure that all things considered, the things we did and the way she behaved was just not platonic anymore. Every friend that met her told me that they felt there was definitely more than friendship from her side and how good the chemistry is between us, but she maybe just was unsure or needed more time.

 

Well now that I know that she friendzoned me, I am really sad because she is a great women, probably the "best" fit I have ever had. But I am sure I will get over it and meet someone else. I am just really confused how this all went downhill. Maybe it took me too long, maybe she really just liked me as a friend, maybe she still doesnt know what she wants. She seems to want to go back to normal, but I dont really want to do that. I just dont get it to be honest. For me it seems like, whatever gender games there are (men always meet women with sexual intentions, but women are comfortable having male besties), it just didnt seem to me this way at all. Why would a woman spend close to all of her time with one guy, even cancelling things with her other friends just to see him but then friendzone him? Especially if we are both single, having a working life etc.

 

I feel like I am at a point now where I have to decide whether to keep that friendship or move on. I will obviously tone down the time we spend together and the talks and chats and what not. I cant deny that I still have a glimmer of hope that she might miss what she had and "not be confused anymore" but just dont feel like investing more than I already did. I want her to know that there is a big difference between being friends or being a couple because I guess she wanted one thing (having a casual platonic relationship) without the other thing (committing to that person).

 

Do you have any advice for me? How would you approach this situation? Is this a regular type of friendzoning or do you think something happened at one point that changed her mind? I know for a fact that she is not dating any other guy, though that would probably be the most logical explanation. But giving up a great "relationship" for nothing doesnt make sense for me.

[preraph]

Look, I don't know why she latched on to you as a friend she spent so much time with unless you were paying for everything, but she's now been very clear that she doesn't see you as anything more than a friend, so you should just move on or else having her for a close friend will mess up any future women you meet and want to date.

[surfingdude17]

Thank you...

 

I didnt really pay for everything, often she wanted to pay or even got tickets in advance because she knew I would want to treat her. So taking advantage of me financially was definitely not her motivation.

 

We are still talking, but you can definitely feel that the vibe changed. It´s not like she is cold, but she is definitely different and stopped making plans for every idea she had in mind. But I also stopped being flirty or asking her out at all so it feels like we are just chatting for the sake of keeping contact. The intimacy we had, even if it was just between friends, is not there anyway, I guess she doesnt "trust" me being able to be a regular friend anymore.

 

I guess if it continues this way, we will probably talk less and less until we dont talk anymore at all. I still dont understand how this all happened, but even though the situation sucks and I am feeling hurt, I dont regret having asked her if we are friends or more. At one point it would have come to this anyway and then it would have been harder I guess..

 

I want to move on but right now I really cant, because I still think about her all the time. She will be soon gone for vacations with her family for over two weeks and considering how things are right now, I presume that once she is gone, we will not really be in touch and when she is back it will be probably also be over being "close friends" and then I am forced to move on anyway..

[preraph]

Maybe it will become clear what happened at some point. But if not, yeah, do the slow fade.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

It sounds like you have been filling the void left by her ex, like a surrogate boyfriend. Not unlike a guy who might use a woman for casual sex and companionship, without any intention of ever dating her officially. It is the same sort of thing.

 

Some people look to fill a void or need with someone who clearly wants more, giving them just enough attention to keep them invested but never more than that. They may not even be aware how selfish their actions are, but it doesn't make it less hurtful to the other person.

 

In these situations there is an expiry date. They either meet someone they actually want to date or the other person (ie: you) brings it up and refuses to settle for being no more than a surrogate.

 

If you decide to settle for friendship only, you will need to prepare yourself for the fact that once she meets another guy, it is unlikely that you will get the same attention you currently receive.