Losing virginity to a long-distance hookup?

[TheBlingRing14]

Yes, I am a virgin in my 30s, and while I was waiting for marriage or at least the right guy, I've sort of resigned myself that both of those things may never happen. So, I'm open to losing it.

 

This guy messaged me on one of the dating sites...he lives quite far away. Long story short, he doesn't want to date me, but he does want to bang me. He asked if we could meet halfway, and then when I told him not right now, he offered to come all the way up to visit me.

 

This guy is pretty great. He's good looking. He got his doctorate at 24, and he speaks 4 languages fluently, 1 not as fluently. He has gotten tons of awards and honors and has been president or vice president of a number of clubs and societies. I guess...I feel like there could be worse people to give it up to, you know?

 

Like in the grand story of my life, will I regret losing it in some romantic little cottage to a super-talented, super-intelligent, super-successful guy that can speak sweet nothings to me in 4 different language? It sounds better than losing it to some guy I think cares about me, and then dumps me later.

 

Am I being short-sighted? What would you do?

[RecentChange]

I think you are being short sighed.

 

You should lose your virginity to someone who CARES about you. All this man wants to do is use you - and you will be left feeling empty and used.

 

Sex releases powerful hormones. Hormones that makes us feel emotional, connected and create a desire to "pair up".

 

This man is going to pump you in some hotel and then go home. I don't think that is what you want.

 

What is wrong with dating? And having sex with someone you have gotten to know, and have a connection / mutual caring with?

[NTV]

He sounds like his background is a lie.

[preraph]

I think you need to look at this from another angle. This is a guy who openly says he doesn't care enough about you to do anything except bang you, as you said, and he lives far away and wants you to meet him, and you don't know if he's great or he's just saying he's great. You don't know if he's getting ready to grab you, throw you in a van and put you into human trafficking, selling you at a high rate to some disturbed individual with money to blow because you're a virgin.

 

Losing virginity aside, I see no reason why, if you just want to lose your virginity, it can't be done much closer to home with someone you have actually MET and been able to assess a little more closely. There are plenty of guys who would cheerfully deflower you if that's all you want. I know it's not easy for everyone to meet the right person or even any person, but if you get out of the house at all, then you should be able to meet someone, although if there's no attraction, certainly sex isn't going to be much fun. If you just want to get rid of your hymen, you can do that at the gynecologist. Many women don't have it anymore just because it's not that hard to tear and you should ask your gyn if you are even still intact or not.

 

I think you should restrict your online dating to people close enough to where you live that you can drive there in an hour. I think if you're really giving up on finding "the one," that it actually might free you up to date some guys who are not seeming like "the one" and maybe finding one who is actually someone you like. I usually tell people who only won't to have sex with someone in a serious relationship to put that in their profile, but if you at this point just want to see what it's like to be with a man, then take that out of your profile for now and replace it with "looking for a nice guy to go do things with and have fun." See what you reel in. Then if you get too many of those and you get tired of going out and having fun (?), you can always change your profile back to "looking for serious relationship."

 

I think if you write "looking for nice guy to go do things with and have fun," it will encourage a lot of maybe less confident guys to contact you because they all think they're "nice guys" and all guys want someone who isn't tense but just likes "having fun." There are a ton of them out there, guys just like you. You just have to let them know you're fun and open to a "nice guy" and not emphasize being picky about their looks. Good luck.

[Zahara]

This guy is pretty great. He's good looking. He got his doctorate at 24, and he speaks 4 languages fluently, 1 not as fluently. He has gotten tons of awards and honors and has been president or vice president of a number of clubs and societies. I guess...I feel like there could be worse people to give it up to, you know?

 

Good grief, OP. All this is superficial. That's your measuring stick? I think you need to reframe your values and what's important to you.

 

Like in the grand story of my life, will I regret losing it in some romantic little cottage to a super-talented, super-intelligent, super-successful guy that can speak sweet nothings to me in 4 different language? It sounds better than losing it to some guy I think cares about me, and then dumps me later.

 

Why does it have to be a guy you "think" cares about you? You've limit yourself to such an extreme. Date and go through the process of getting to know people and you may strike a connection with someone who may actually truly care for you. And even if that ends, you'll at least appreciate the fact that your first intimate experience was one with some level of emotional investment rather than a pump and dump.

 

I can guarantee you when this nut has left, you're going to sit there with a huge hole in your soul. None of his super intelligent, super successful, super talented, multiple language persona is going to do anything for you but make you feel used and discarded.

[TheBlingRing14]

Hey guys. Yesterday, I was on the road all day, and when I got home, I crashed; so I haven't been avoiding this thread, I promise. Anyway, now that I'm in, I will address some questions and concerns you have as well as maybe a little further elaborate where my head space is at.

 

Also, I am very grateful for all of your responses. They have been a breath of fresh air and given me some much needed perspective. Sometimes, you just need a jolt back into reality.

 

I should probably clarify a few things from my first post. The idea that he wouldn't date me, but he would bang me was more of an editorialized version of his stance. He didn't say anything like that, nor was he so crass with it. All he said was it was too bad that due to our distance dating wasn't going to possible, as kind of a key component of dating is being able to be in the other person's presence on a regular basis. One thing led to another led to another led to another, and the idea of getting together came up.

 

Also, to his credit, he realizes that sex is most likely off the table, and he said he understands. He understands it's something we would build up to, if anything. So, I think it's very admirable that he would be willing to drive to meet me, even though he doesn't think he's getting any. Don't get me wrong, I have no doubt he would want to and try.

 

 

 

 

He sounds like his background is a lie.

 

Haha, trust me I know. But, he didn't tell me any of that stuff about himself. Everything I mentioned are things I found while investigating him online. I always do my due diligence in online situations, just to make sure I'm not talking to a psychopath or a weirdo.

 

His phone number and photos on his professor page at the university he teaches at match the phone number he called me with and the photos on his profile, so I guess it could be one GIANT ruse, but based on all the info I gathered, it would be have to be one extensive hoax.

 

Losing virginity aside, I see no reason why, if you just want to lose your virginity, it can't be done much closer to home with someone you have actually MET and been able to assess a little more closely. There are plenty of guys who would cheerfully deflower you if that's all you want. I know it's not easy for everyone to meet the right person or even any person, but if you get out of the house at all, then you should be able to meet someone, although if there's no attraction, certainly sex isn't going to be much fun.

 

I think you should restrict your online dating to people close enough to where you live that you can drive there in an hour. I think if you're really giving up on finding "the one," that it actually might free you up to date some guys who are not seeming like "the one" and maybe finding one who is actually someone you like. I usually tell people who only won't to have sex with someone in a serious relationship to put that in their profile, but if you at this point just want to see what it's like to be with a man, then take that out of your profile for now and replace it with "looking for a nice guy to go do things with and have fun." See what you reel in. Then if you get too many of those and you get tired of going out and having fun (?), you can always change your profile back to "looking for serious relationship."

 

So as far as the bold, yes, yes it is hard to meet people. And, clearly, I haven't in real life, which is why I moved to online dating, and even then, I was facing nearly no success. I am sure, as you mentioned, attraction is a big piece of the puzzle, but still...it has been a challenge.

 

As far as distance is concerned...I usually do restrict my searches to nearby areas. But, the aforementioned lack of success with guys in my area has been disheartening. It also occurred to me that: what if the love of my life lives in Germany? Or Italy? Or New Zealand? Or Montana? Or whatever. So, every so often, I broaden my distance requirements. I usually go back to nearby matches, but sometimes it's good to just look and see what's out there, beyond my little bubble.

 

 

 

Good grief, OP. All this is superficial. That's your measuring stick? I think you need to reframe your values and what's important to you.

 

I would disagree there. Because, really everything is superficial when it comes down to it, other than the most important reason for all of this, which is genuine love.

 

Maybe someone wants to sleep with a guy because he has a hot bod and is ripped. Maybe someone wants to sleep with a guy because he works on Wall Street and seems powerful. Maybe a guy wants to sleep with an older lady just to try it; or maybe an older lady wants to sleep with that young guy to feel young again. Some people wouldn't sleep with someone because of tattoos. Or they have kids. Or they smoke. There are tons of reasons people are attracted to other people, which I would argue are just as shallow, if not more.

 

I'm not saying I would turn down a date with someone because (snooty voice here) they only speak two languages and only have a Bachelor's Degree. Tut tut. God no. I would never say or even think that. I'm just saying that his pedigree is intriguing to me, and it wouldn't be the worst choice in the world.

 

 

Continued in next post...

[TheBlingRing14]

Okay Part 2...the narrative of where I'm at inside my head.

 

As I said before, I feel like I am kind of at the point I don't know if a long term relationship, much less marriage, is in the cards for me. I don't want to wait my whole life for something serious, that's never going to come.

 

And, I guess I feel like by sort of...choosing my de-flowering in this manner...it gives me some semblance of control over my life. I get to choose the time, the place, the guy ahead of time, so that it doesn't just happen one day in the bathroom of a Wendys with a guy I'm not particularly attracted to.

 

I recently dated a guy, and it was to the point, I was considering taking that step, very seriously. But, before it got to that point, it ended very abruptly and very horribly. Not just that it ended, but it ended horribly. And, if I had that extra factor added in, it would have devastated me. To give it up to a guy and have that happen. It was bad enough as it was, but if that would have been a part of the picture, it would have ruined me.

 

The guy I dated...in some ways, he wasn't my type at all, but in other ways, we connected so deeply, it was like being with the other half of myself. So, even though he wasn't my "dream guy," his positives outweighed his negatives for me. Now this guy isn't my type, not even a little bit. I don't see a romance blossoming here. I don't see feelings becoming an issue.

 

And to me, that's kind of the point. To do it with someone who it isn't going to be this big deal with. If it's with a friend, that can get awkward, complicated, and change our friendship. If I wait and do it with a romantic partner, and things end the way the previous situation did, then it will likely be emotionally traumatizing.

 

Which leads to, what some of you said, at least waiting for someone who cares for me or I care for or is maybe nearby my location. Well 1) If I had met someone that I care enough for on that level within the general vicinity, I wouldn't be looking for it right now. I haven't found it yet. 2) Those blooming feelings could become an issue. If a guy is great enough for me to get to know him and feel comfortable with him, isn't there a chance, a decent one, that sex will stir some complicated feelings?

 

So, we're back to....this is a way I can control things. It's back to picking a guy and a setting that I'm not going to regret in 10, 20 years. And a guy I'm not going to fall in love with. Or get my heart broken by.

 

So...that's sort of where I'm at with it, and why I'm leaning that way.

[No_Go]

Just go ahead and do it, if the guy is safe and STD free. Seriously. Virginity means nothing. It is a man-made concept to restrict (primarily) women. WTH does it even mean?? If you masturbate and have orgasms, are you more 'pure' than someone that had partner sex? If you broke your hymen yourself are you less of a virgin? It is all BS.

 

I 'lost it' to a guy that was 19 years older than me, borderline legal, not a long term material by any means. It was epic, he was so crazy and adventurous in my eyes, I was also pushing 30 and just wanted to get rid of my V status, and I have never ever regretted it afterwards.

 

Then I could think more clearly and date guys that I consider 'marriage material' (well, so far my considerations were wrong but still ). I've been ever since much more confident in my sexuality and confident in general, it was all in all a good decision.

 

You have nothing to lose -*if* the guy is safe and normal.