How to read my guy friend

[tnya]

I've been friends with a guy for a very long time now. We met at work, and I've seen him talk about other gals all the time which made me feel like he isn't interested in me.

 

He comes to me with his girl friend problems all the time and I help comfort him when things didn't go the way he wanted to go. We hang out with each other a lot , watch movies, cook dinner etc. He started being touchy feely with me but I always thought of him as my friend. One day he started asking me what kind of guy would I be interested in and after sometime got intimate with me(he was sober). I never reciprocated his actions since I wasn't sure what to interpret of it.

 

Next day, he was sorry and I didn't bother going into details. This happened few other times and he/I never really talked about it. I would think that if he was really interested in me, he would be willing to express that since we've been friends for so long. I've always liked him, but the minute he started talking about other gals I've stopped fancying him.

 

Now he stopped being touchy feely but what annoys me is that he hangs out with me all the time. He keeps checking dating sites and keeps talking about other gals. When you are dating other people and constantly checking dating sites when you are with me, why bother spending time with me? I feel like am being a bad friend when I get mad at him for doing this but at the same time cant keep welcoming him and spending time with him when he is clearly interested in other people. The thing is, the more time am spending with him the more am falling for him and I don't want me to be in this situation.

 

Can someone please help me understand if am being used? Do guys always spend quality time with their platonic girl friends?

Edited February 27, 2017 by tnya

[Telemachus]

You're not being used. You choose how to spend your time, and you don't say anything about paying his rent or covering for unauthorized absences of his from work. You don't have a romantic relationship with him, have no commitment for exclusivity with him, and simply have a friendship that doesn't bring you great joy (according to your post) and doesn't bring him great joy (because he's checking his phone and doing things online when he's with you).

 

If you don't want to spend time with him, don't. Tell him you have other things to do. Leave it at that.

 

As to whether guys spend lots of time with platonic friends who are women in adulthood, it's mostly in the movies or in television sit-coms. It's fairly rare in regular life. The wives and girlfriends of guys who are married or in other romantic relationships tend to discourage this for obvious reasons. Similarly, a man's guy friends who are married or in relationships tend to discourage having another guy hanging out alone with their wives and girlfriends.

 

Adult men who aren't in relationships certainly have women friends, but they tend not to have women friends with whom they spend a great deal of time. He may get some sexual gratification from telling you about his dating experiences or interest in other women, or he may be interested in having a FWB relationship with you.

 

As to falling for him, you give no indication of why or how. Do you really want a serious dating relationship with a man who's checking his phone and tapping away while you're trying to carry on a conversation with him? That doesn't seem like a very attractive situation to me.

[d0nnivain]

It's kind of rude . . . in any interaction paying attention to a device when in another's presence bothers me. Pay attention to the person who is right there.

 

 

That said he may have been developing a crush on you but when he tested the waters you indicated his interest was not returned so he backed off. Now he may engage in these behaviors to remind himself that you & he are not romantic.

[preraph]

You said you didn't reciprocate when he made advances to you, so I wonder if you are really attracted to him or not.

 

If you are, then you should know he has eyes for other women as well, but at the same time, you know him well enough to tell him. Hey, I'm interested in giving it a go as in a real relationship, but I'm not about to do that as long as you are seeing or talking about seeing other women.

[tnya]

Thank you all for your responses.

 

I avoid him to the most part saying am out with friends or busy. He just doesn't get it I guess. Being a single woman, there is only certain amount of time that I can spend with my friends(since they are all married). He keeps calling me back or texting me asking if am home and drops by when am home. There is nothing that we do when he is home either, other than turning on TV and he spends time browsing/watching TV on and off and I end up watching TV just for the heck of it.

 

Sometimes, I see him being very sad and when I ask he replies saying am feeling lonely which makes it even more difficult for me to ignore him right away/be rude to him. I don't get him : he sometimes brings me food that I like , tells me not to wear few dresses which don't look good on me(though my other friends say I look great in them) and shares all his personal problems. Till date, I've never initiated any conversation with him, it's always him who texts me and I feel like no matter how hard I try to distance myself am just not able to get there. The only way for me to back out from this would be to express how I feel but then that makes me look like a fool if I've got it all wrong and risk losing my best friend forever.

[preraph]

You need to do the slow fade on him. Also, you need to introduce him to any girlfriends and try to palm him off or get him crushing on someone else. Failing that, trot him out and be his wingman. Palm him off.