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Unsure about her intentions!


Friends and Lovers Progressing into "Friends with benefits" and beyond: When platonic relationships become more intimate.

Old 3rd February 2017, 2:32 AM   #1
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Unsure about her intentions!

Hi everyone! New poster here. I feel bad asking for advice while not having contributed, but I haven't really used similar forums before. I thank you in advance for taking the time to read this, and offering your input!

I will try to make this short. I (male, 28) started work at a new place recently, and bonded with my coworker G (female,25). For 2 months we would hang out almost daily, and talk frequently when not together. I told our mutual friend B that I was starting to like G, B said G had told her she liked me, and seemed confident in my chances, so I asked her out.

Her initial response was that she didn't think it would work, and then she said she had started seeing someone. Then she said she would think about it and give me an answer later. A few days later she told me she wanted to give the other guy a chance, and she liked me as a friend. She was visibly upset. I said I understood and respected her stance.

I did start to back off a little bit, not out of spite, but just to give myself room to deal with the rejection. I replied to messages, but made excuses when she wanted to hang out, and seldom initiated conversation. I began to hang out with other girls, and noticed an increase in her initiating conversations via texts. Our group had made a plan to go to Vegas for the weekend, and I opted out. She tried to convince me to join 3,4 times.

I left the state for 2 weeks, we didn't meet during that time. She initiated conversations via text regularly. After I got back, I learned she was not seeing that guy anymore. Also, there is a formal office party coming up, and she asked me a few times if I would go (I'm not a huge events person). We have also started hanging out again, as I do miss her company.

Here is my question: What is going on? Should I ask her to the party? Or is she just being friendly? I don't want to invest myself emotionally again if it won't lead to something more. Thank you for reading, and for your patience!
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Old 3rd February 2017, 6:25 AM   #2
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This is how I see it. She chose to date the other guy instead of you. But then she felt it wasn't working out well. So she was thinking of you back, wondering if you'd be better for her. Hence, she contacted you regularly. Then it really didn't work out with him and it was over. Now she is free to pursue you again; hence the hinting you on the formal office party thingy.

My suggestion: give her that chance.
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Last edited by February Girl; 3rd February 2017 at 6:28 AM..
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Old 3rd February 2017, 7:11 AM   #3
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Hey ya... Could you kindly return the favour and advise me on my problem in this forum? Nobody else answered so far... Thanks.
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Old 3rd February 2017, 11:49 AM   #4
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Since you are a coworker, she had to be very careful when your friend asked if she liked you. Even if she totally disliked you, since you work together, she would not be able to say that.

You need to just have a conversation with her next time you hang out. Just ask her "Do you only think of me as a friend or would you like to try dating?"
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Old 16th February 2017, 11:43 PM   #5
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What's the update of this problem? Did you ask her to the office party?
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Old 17th February 2017, 8:19 AM   #6
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I have been in similar situations, each time it just kind of went nowhere. I don't have a lot of patience for this kind of thing anymore. You have a strong indication she is interested, she'll be "hard to get", you do things and spend time and become friends, but it never really goes anywhere.


I have had women invite themselves over to my house multiple times, initiate contact and even come out and say they are interested, hang out, bring their kids...if I ask them out they hem and haw, give me a maybe, last minute excuses...then 2 days later ask me out and then cancel, etc. Then they start dating someone and I don't hear from them for a few weeks but once it is over I get a text out of the blue.


All of it gets very old. I judge them on being the type of woman who doesn't know what she wants, doesn't follow through and won't commit. Especially if I have known them for a while and know them well, any sign of them being on the fence and I just let it go. I have found how someone acts in the initial stages of dating is their best behavior and if their best behavior is wishy-washy, I don't want to deal with the frustration of trying to make it happen.
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Old 5th March 2017, 4:37 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ChatroomHero View Post
I have been in similar situations, each time it just kind of went nowhere. I don't have a lot of patience for this kind of thing anymore. You have a strong indication she is interested, she'll be "hard to get", you do things and spend time and become friends, but it never really goes anywhere.

All of it gets very old. I judge them on being the type of woman who doesn't know what she wants, doesn't follow through and won't commit. Especially if I have known them for a while and know them well, any sign of them being on the fence and I just let it go. I have found how someone acts in the initial stages of dating is their best behavior and if their best behavior is wishy-washy, I don't want to deal with the frustration of trying to make it happen.
This really struck a chord with me. I was seeing a co worker on and off for the past 4 months and whilst at times behaving like a gf she was often wishy washy, bad with plans, wouldn't commit. There's a lot of advice out there that women's feelings grow slowly, and you can build.

But I have to say what you've written here makes me think even more that if a person isn't sure if there'd want something more committed either with you or general, it's fair for it to ring alarm bells. I wish in hindsight I'd have thrown in the towel. But of course we like to give things a chance.

I'm in agreement with your position on such scenarios as a result and am an example OP, of someone whom got 70℅ progress only for it to fail. That hurts alot harder when you've invested and end up kicking yourself for trying too hard to make something work.

That said in your particular scenario you don't know what happened with her, so give her a shot and judge from her efforts after a few dates.
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