am i crazy or could she like me?

[toddstreets]

Recently, a girl moved to my city to find work and we ended up connecting. She's had a boyfriend for the past 8 months or so that she left behind, and she says she is hoping he will move here to be with her, though he isn't ready to take that step just yet (much to her chagrin). So she does what she can to make long distance work.

 

Anyway, over the last 2 or 3 months her and I have become incredibly close, and it happened pretty damn fast. I always thought she was cute, but now that I know her better, I actually think she's pretty amazing and I haven't met a woman like her before (she is 31 and I am 28). We click well and have a good comfort level, it is as if we have known each other for years. She has admitted to me that I know more about her than her boyfriend does and she is frustrated that her and her boyfriend are not very open. When something bad goes down at work or whatever, I am the first person she seeks out to "debrief." We are able to talk pretty openly about deep stuff, and about our feelings and personal issues. We also just enjoy each other's company and have fun and laugh. She says we are best friends and hopes we can be friends for life.

 

Here's what gets me - she wants to spend time with me literally every single day. I spend more time at her flat than at my own. She initiates like 4/5 times, and will always find a reason to hang - getting a lunch, talking about a rough day at work, and our weekends basically revolve around each other and making plans with one another. I am fairly sure I am the first person she thinks of when she makes plans because she invites me to everything and always says "oh we should go to this restaurant", "we should see this movie", "we should take this class together", etc. I actually do enjoy being her friend, but I have to be honest when I say I find it weird we are together every day, because if I was not harbouring a romantic interest in her I would not spend THAT much time with her. But, I tell myself, maybe she is just weird.

 

Because she tells me how much she loves her boyfriend...she has contemplated breaking up with him a few times because of his lack of attentiveness, but never followed through because it made her feel sad. Then will go through periods where she tells me how he is so smart and so cute and so on. Gushing basically and telling me she hopes they will stay together and maybe have a family...and he isn't jealous of me as far as I know, but if I had a gf who did the things that this girl does with me, I'd feel pretty threatened by their closeness.

 

She also comments often on whether or not people think we are a couple. At work - "oh, people probably think there is something going on", "it's so annoying that people think men and women can't be friends", "they gave us the bill together at the restaurant, does no one think men and women can just hang out?" Like why do you care?? Yes we spend a lot of time together but I rarely wonder if people think we are a couple and furthermore, I do not care what they think.

 

It just feels confusing I guess. I don't know if she was like this with her other friends back home, or if she just clings to me because she hasn't made any other friends, or if she's just lonely or has issues with spending a lot of time alone. Part of me wants to tell her how I feel and just get it over with, but the thing is, how can I do that when she will tell me she loves her boyfriend? Or when she makes a point of being like "oh, people think we're together yet again..." It just seems like a recipe for failure and rejection. Maybe I am the surrogate dude until her bf comes to live with her (if he even does, he seems pretty disinterested).

 

It's not that people see a man and a woman together and see a couple. It's that said man and woman do everything together. Like is that even normal for two female friends....?

[Erik30]

Sorry but she probably "just" thinks of you as a really close friend. You're hanging out with her like she would be doing with one of her girlfriends. She even said it herself, you're her bff, she shares everything with you and talks about her boyfriend.

[Herbalist]

Humans are complicated. It sounds like it might in the territory of what one might call an "emotional affair" if she were actually married. Because your gut observations are right, even best friends typically don't spend every available moment together. But at the same time it sounds like she goes out of her way not to be 'that person' who lead you on, by pointing it out in no uncertain terms that she considers you a friend and does not consider the two of you to be a couple. Spending as much time with you as possible is also a way to low-key 'claim' you because most other women are going to assume that the two of you are an item. I've had plenty of female friends who do this when they are interested in a guy, like they will move in as soon as possible and make sure they get a FaceBook photo up of them and the guy together at one of their houses and it's like women's signal-speak for "this guy is mine" even before it's official. So if you are picking up on 'vibes' like she sees you as more than a best friend, well chances are that is true, but it also doesn't quite mean she is interested in you as an official romantic partner. Again humans are complicated. Decide what YOU are okay with and respect your own boundaries.

[Standard-Fare]

You're right - it's not normal. The possibilities are:

 

1. She does view you as just a friend, but she's lonely and over-relying on you.

 

2. She may have some level of romantic interest, maybe milld, and enjoys playing around with that, but her feelings for her BF trump everything. He's her #1. And if/when he moves there or otherwise shows her more commitment, she will scale back drastically on this "friendship" with you.

 

3. She is definitely romantically interested in you, and she's building up a foundation to explore that while her BF is at a safe distance. On some level she realizes her relationship with her BF is dying out and she considers you next in line, but she hasn't psyched herself up yet to end things with the BF.

 

In scenarios 1 and 2, you are partially to blame for whatever negative consequences may arise, because you're not setting up appropriate boundaries. You're at her beckon call 24/7, acting like a default boyfriend, but not getting any of the benefits of a romantic relationship.

 

Of course I'm sure you're hoping #3 is the answer. But if that's case, you can't accept waiting around forever in this passive role while her relationship takes god knows how long to run its course. It's also possible that she's waiting for some clear sign from YOU before she has the confidence to break up with the other guy.

 

So I do think you should make your feelings known to her in some form. Whatever happens, it at least ends the uncertainty and weirdness that's going on now.