oh BOY did I get this wrong!!!

[Smoothman]

OK, I will write this one up, more as a lesson to be learned, than a request for help.

I have no idea what section of the forum to use, I hope Friends and Lovers is correct.

I have a nice flat in a nice part of town, I share out one room for the extra money and company.

The type of relationship I like to have with my flatmate is “Flatmates and friends” by which I mean, share some meals, chill out after work drinking and chatting, watching TV together…etc. i.e. not someone who sits in their room 24/7 apart from occasional fleeting visits to the common areas…

 

I’ve had this before, it works very well, but it does require a fair investment interviewing to make sure we are compatible. The flat is very small, and the common area is one room combined kitchen/dining/living room, we kind of HAVE ot be comfy up close, not like there’s anywhere else to go.

 

So my awesome flatmate is moving out, and I place an ad. A girl responds who seems ideal...so we arrange a meet.

This girl is a bright, joyful spark of life, funny, pretty, 35 yo Malaysian on a study visa.

 

I take her out for a meal and we spend a few hours getting to know each other…and BOY did I get to know her, or so I thought…

We start chatting about our ex’es, and she just goes full open on her past bf…I’ll bullet point for brevity

They had sex every day, anywhere

They had sex in a cave while on a tour

She gives the best head, she can make any man come with her mouth.

She went to a sex party (Even had photos) wearing revealing lingerie she said she only had sex with her boyfriend, gave him head while he stood at the bar, had sex later in the group area, but again, only with her bf.

She knows she is attractive “I have many admirers, I reject them all” “I’m not ready”

She was also very touchy feely flirty with me, and I was responding, hand on her leg, arm around her waist. Note that neither of us had been drinking, this was sober talk, and our very first meeting.

I drove her home (I had agreed to) and she is a fair long way away, she leaned over, stroked my neck and head, said “I really like you”

I dropped her off, she invited me in…we drank a glass or two, and I’m just totally absorbed by this girl.'

Yeah, of course it’s a sexual attraction, but I agree to let her move in. She tells me her work is long way away, but she’ll get a new job soon. My car sits in the garage all day, so I offer her my car…She is thrilled at how nice I am. '

She pays a deposit there and then to secure the flat, with a move-in date a couple of weeks out.

 

I drive home, and she is texting me.

She says I shouldn’t touch her as I’m “not her bf…lol”

Right, now I take a step back and think…yikes!

I want this woman, and not as a flatmate, so I reply:

Actually, I like you too much, I think you’re amazing, and I would rather date you and get to know you than have you move in.

“Are you saying I can’t move in…oh no, I have to find a new place now…?, don’t bull**** me”

 

“Look, I told you honestly, I like you too much to just be your flatmate, I will always be thinking that something more could happen”

“But I want to move in, I don’t want a boyfriend now, I’m happy on my own. What the future holds I don’t know, but right now I’m happy being single”

I reply: “OK, You would have to accept that I am interested, but for now just flatmates and friends”

 

“Yes, flatmates and friends, who knows what will happen in a couple of months”

Yeah...I know, stupid decision!...but wait, it gets worse!

 

I think this girl likes me, but wants to chill for a couple of months, see how things go.

 

To reinforce my feelings, she starts being SUPER communicative.

She texts me good morning EVERY DAY, she calls my “darl”

She says “Actually you are perfect, you know that?”

Sends selfies every day, asks me what I’m doing all the time.

 

I go to her place to help carry some small stuff over a few days before the truck is booked.

At first it was “after 6:30pm” then she tells me she’s cleared her schedule “Come at 12:00”

I do, the move takes no time, and we proceed to spend the entire day together. She buys me lunch…we drink a couple of glasses of wine, we chat and laugh she says “you remind me of my ex…” (who she is still fond of). We walk, I take her hand, and she holds it, no problem. I even kiss her lightly, just once, she doesn’t refuse me.

 

She continues the high level of communication until move day, she moves in, and quickly starts to organise the flat like a home, she has great ideas how to improve the layout, she says “See, I make you house a home”

There is an issue in that her room has a glass wall (Don’t ask, stupid Australian design laws), so she says a friend of hers can help, a guy who runs a business in wallpaper.

 

We start to live together, it’s great, she cooks wonderful meals, is clean and tidy, and I totally respect her space and privacy.

But just two days later she goes for dinner with her friend Mr. Wallpaper…and a few hours later she come in with him.

And it’s immediately obvious they are dating, and she is all over him like a horny schoolgirl.

 

I admit I acted a little weird, I was totally thrown by this, and I think he could tell, something was off.

He agrees with me in a solution for the window (I already knew what to do, hardly needed his “expert” opinion), and leaves, she goes with him, returns a long time later.

So, your dating him? I ask

Yes, I met him online a few weeks ago it’s our second date, isn’t he awesome!

Yeah, I can see why she thinks that, he’s an alpha male, good looking confident, built well, but clearly a playboy…which she specifically said she hates about men.

 

He comes over again the very next night, installs the plastic screen, and they proceed to make out in the room for a few hours…you see, this is a small flat, I can hear everything, something I warned her about…

He gave me a funny look when he came in, so I suggest to my flatmate that I should talk to him, clear the air.

 

I have now totally converted my opinions about the girl, good luck to her, probably better anyway, but I felt I owed the guy an explanation.

So he comes around, we grab a drink and I spend an hour explaining WHY I might have gotten the wrong impression from this girl.

He seems to understand, shakes my hand and thanks me, leaves.

Now I find out she’s moving out already…I can only guess this was his idea…

Moral of the story….ummm, I don’t know, things aren’t always as they seem?

 

Points to clarify:

When she said she was “not dating” she was, had already met this guy once and LIKED him.

She still flirted with me RIGHT UP until the day he turned up…then 100% reversal.

She told him total bull, about what happened, but he’s smart enough to work it out for himself, what he said was: “Maybe she did, but that’s past, and she’s not interested now”

She still uses my car…because to take it back would look vindictive…I am however taking it back next week, not as a backlash, but because I need it for work.

[preraph]

I don't know what about this boundary-less girl who spewed about all this sexual stuff to you before you hardly knew each other made you think she'd be a good roommate. Or that she was interested in you since she was telling you about other men from the start. You were just blinded by her talking porn to you.

[Smoothman]

I don't know what about this boundary-less girl who spewed about all this sexual stuff to you before you hardly knew each other made you think she'd be a good roommate. Or that she was interested in you since she was telling you about other men from the start. You were just blinded by her talking porn to you.

 

Other man, her ex from 8 months ago...

and you read the rest, or stopped there?

[preraph]

Other man, her ex from 8 months ago...

and you read the rest, or stopped there?

 

Read it all. She has no boundaries. She will talk sex with literally anyone. There's nothing about her that sounds mature or reliable or like she's looking to you for a real relationship, or perhaps with anybody. I don't say this often, but she's just loose -- and a user.

[VeveCakes]

I am kind of shocked you were into a girl, who just upon meeting you went on and on about what a good lay she is...and then was all over you. I mean, I'm a good lay too and highly sexual but I don't ever go on about that to people I meet or even people I am interested in. She seduced you, you helped her move, she drives your car....all while the playboy is the one sleeping with her.

 

Lesson learned for sure. Red Flags were practically beating you over the head.

[Smoothman]

I am kind of shocked you were into a girl, who just upon meeting you went on and on about what a good lay she is...and then was all over you. I mean, I'm a good lay too and highly sexual but I don't ever go on about that to people I meet or even people I am interested in. She seduced you, you helped her move, she drives your car....all while the playboy is the one sleeping with her.

 

Lesson learned for sure. Red Flags were practically beating you over the head.

 

Yeah, mostly, but playboy only arrived on the scene a few days before she moved in...I know as they I overheard them talk about the Tuesday visit as being a "great second date" as they were leaving...

 

She's moving out now, and I've already met an awesome new flatmate who is open and easy to get along with, but who I don't want to bang...!