She asks me to stay at her place .... should i make a move ? [update: back from trip]

[triple-s]

howdy all . a lil intro ... Im from NYC ...A year ago ... Ive been friends with this woman who lives in California ... met her last year and we became good friends ( online /facebook /snapcat ) etc .

 

I told her i was gonna visit california again end of July and to my surprise she invited me to stay with her at her new apartment with her and her sister ! ... the kicker is , she currently is now single and broke up with her boyfriend that lives in another state.

 

now im not expecting anything but i was curious ... girl invites me to stay at her place, she says shell take time off work so we can have fun . ill admit in attracted to her ( she is absolutely drop dead gorgeous ) and we get along really well ( from the last time i saw her we went out for drinks, laughs and hung out as buddies )

 

ill be in california for two weeks and i wanted to ask everyones opinion ;

 

Should i try and make a move ? Ill be staying with her for two weeks and i just dont wanna make an idiot of myself if i try something then the entire trip will get awkward, yknow ?

 

Any suggestions as to what to do ? I would be inclined to start something but i dont wanna mess up

 

If anything we'll have a good time thats for sure ... but

 

any Thoughts ?

[lolablue17]

If you make a move, it shouldn't be one move. It should be a collection of tiny microscope size moves, hints and then each time see how she reacts. If she's into you, she will make sure you know.

 

By the way, she already made the first move by offering you to stay with her.

[elaine567]

 

By the way, she already made the first move by offering you to stay with her.

 

Maybe, maybe not.

Last time they just hung out as buddies, that may be how she views him and offering him a place to stay at hers may be more about practicality than sex.

He is right to be cautious.

[basil67]

Make a decision while you're there based on the amount of chemistry you share.

[preraph]

Has there been flirtation before? If not, there's no reason to think you should make a move -- unless once you get there the flirtation begins and things start to click. You can certainly give her big hugs and even a kiss on the lips when you first see her at the airport just to set the tone. If she pulls away from that, which is unlikely, then you will know not to try it.

[triple-s]

If you make a move, it shouldn't be one move. It should be a collection of tiny microscope size moves, hints and then each time see how she reacts. If she's into you, she will make sure you know.

 

By the way, she already made the first move by offering you to stay with her.

 

but with moves ... like what ?

 

I agree with what you said , i only really met her about 3 solid days during my visit last year and kept in touch online ( facebook, snapchat ) only really ...

 

I just dont wanna ruin a friendship if anything . When we last spoke, she told me she doesnt cheat on her boyfriend and now she has no boyfriend i do wanna make a move but at the same time i dont wanna look stupid.

 

Whenever i see her social media she seems sexually open as far as how she jokes around and stuff ... If she lived alone yeah it would be easier but she lives with her sister .

 

ill see what happens

[triple-s]

Maybe, maybe not.

Last time they just hung out as buddies, that may be how she views him and offering him a place to stay at hers may be more about practicality than sex.

He is right to be cautious.

 

Yup. I do wanna be cautiious and we only hung out . She seems openly promiscuous and i can tell shes very sexually active ( via her snapchat and facebook comments etc )

[triple-s]

Make a decision while you're there based on the amount of chemistry you share.

 

Yeha ill have to gauge it while im there .. i hope i dont make a fool outta myself

[triple-s]

Has there been flirtation before? If not, there's no reason to think you should make a move -- unless once you get there the flirtation begins and things start to click. You can certainly give her big hugs and even a kiss on the lips when you first see her at the airport just to set the tone. If she pulls away from that, which is unlikely, then you will know not to try it.

 

Agreed. We dont flirt online or anything but when i met her we clicked really well and got close ( as far as friends ) ...i will give her a big hug when i see her at the airport . What im wondering about is how im going to behave when im with her at her place ...

 

the reason im asking about this is most of my friends in other states who has boyfriends wouldnt invite me to stay with them like that ... the fact that she doesnt have a boyfriend now , makes me think maybe i should give it a shot yknow > i am honestly very attracted to her

 

I just dont wanna mess it up .

 

I will share with all of you what happens after i get back .. i appreciate all your suggestions !

[triple-s]

alright folks . Im back from my trip and boy was this ever interesting LOL here's a synopsis .

 

 

• So i stayed with her, her sister and her uncle ( who stays with them )

 

• First night out we went bar hoppin, great time, had a few drinks . KISSED me on the cheek for a photo we took

 

• I slept in the living room . She slept upstairs in her bedroom but she said i could use her washroom anytime.

 

• One evening night out she tells me she likes me and wants to get to know me ( hmmmmmmm ; i was taking this as a good thing )

 

• We hung out alot . Even took her for a scuba diving crash course

 

• I noticed she drinks alot. Also smokes marijuana and occasionally cocaine.Reason why she seems to be drinking is because 5 months ago she broke up with her boyfriend who lives out of state . She still talks to him but hasnt seen him since March 2016. Apparantely he refuses to move down to her location ...

 

• She still cares for her bf and wants to make it work but without him being there she considers herself single . I can tell she still wants him cuz every conversation we have she always always ALWAYS bring him up.

 

• We had some alone time togeher and we even asked each other if we could see each other dating ; and she said she would date me and so would i ... at one point she tells me you dont want me because i have mental issues . " you need someone whos more normal " -- her exact words ; youll see what i mean in the next 2 paragrapsh

 

• Her friend from Seattle ( this other girl ) came down for a fashion show and she joined us on some of our nights out . Lotsa fun

 

• One evening , we were invited to a hotel party and ppl were doing cocaine on the table. I refused but she insisted i tried it . I tried it ... She starts drinking, more cocaine and she just turns violent !

 

At one point she started picking fights with random ppl in the hallways and even ME ! .. she tells me " i want you to get angry . FIGHT ME ! " and she even slapped me so hard i never felt anyone slap me in the face that hard I was shocked . She literally wanted to pin me down to the ground and she kept saying to me " LET IT OUT . GET ANGRY . YOURE TOO NICE "

 

I also realized she wants me to be violent because her BF is also probbably violent ( or is rough on her ) ... Im under the impression she likes the aggressive badboy types and that was her way of saying to me

 

 

• At one point some of the ppl at the party were trying to hold her back and she kept screaming " no dont let go, I love you (my name ) ---- " ...

 

I know the truth comes out when youre drunk but what the heck does that mean she really had feelings for me ?

 

 

• We then take her into the car and she starts unzipping my pants LOL I said no no not here and i asked her friend to take her home

 

• So her friend from Seattle and her go back to her place, i stayed at the party and was gonna just uber it back to her place later ... THEN THIS HAPPENS :

 

• about 20 minutes after ; i get a phonecall from her saying she wants to bang. ( i was like WHAT !??! she goes yeah iwanna f ---- .. come back home ) ..

 

• so i left, i uber it down .. and by the time i get back to her place and i go upstairs . I go straight to her room and she was lying down in bed half asleep and naked under the sheets ... I didnt want to force sex upon her and i felt like if i did id be raping her cuz i know shes under the influence of alcohol, drugs. I slept beside her but i did not do anything .

 

• I woke up before she woke up and i made sure i woke up and left her room before she got up.

 

When she woke up , she pretended nothing happened and went on with the day ... her friend was on her way back to seattle and took her to the airport .

 

• My last day there is a bit of a mystery to me ;

 

Soooooo we went swimming one last time . Had a few laughs , everything seemed normal ... then we went to a park and smoked some MJ in the darkness of a park. We had a blanket and i thought maybe we'd have some alone time together . next thing i know shes on the phone with her BF ... she leaves me in the dark lying down on the grass and when she sat beside me , i started giving her a massage and she flinches, gets up and leaves me .

 

such and Awkward moment -- i was thinking WTF are we even doing here ) .... the rest of the evening was so quiet we barely spoke to each other ; even in the car .

 

• Later on that evening we originally planned tto see a movie together, she invites her uncle along and she didnt say a word to me before and after the movie --- Althroughout the week we were so close but after that night she seemed so cold and distant . The next day i was hoping back on a plane ride home and she didnt even bother to chit chat, just ran downstairs gave me a hug and went straight out the door ... i felt a strange awkwardness in the air ..

 

..... it was time for me to head home

 

• Now 2 days after i arrived back home ; i see on her social media her bf is there with her .

 

Turns out she flew him down . Paid for his fare .

 

*scratching head* --- I admit, Im a teeny tiny baffled ; why did i even stay with her .

 

Please help - What are you rhoughts on what happend ? did i piss her off ? did i do anything wrong ? She usually comments, checks out each others social media and she has been gone for a few days now . I just noticed this sudden change in her attitude towards me . We were so close and got along ... that night after she wanted to sleep with me, its almost like it shook her up and got so scared that she brought her boyfriend back to her. The BF is a cocaine dealer, doesnt have a job , and according to her family ( sister, cousin and uncle ) he's a real jackass to her ....

 

Its been a week since I got back home ; she hasnt contacted me , texted me .... NOTHING .

 

Should i contact her at all ? Do i even bother ? i admit i did start to like her a bit but right now im just confused ...

[Erik30]

Sounds like she used you as a rebound to try to forget about her boyfriend. She talks to you about him which is a huge red flag. (Did they even break up? She only "considers" herself single) Now he's back in the picture so she doesn't need you anymore, that's why you're not hearing from her. You didn't do anything wrong. I'm sure when he leaves her again, she'll start calling... Find someone better

[triple-s]

Sounds like she used you as a rebound to try to forget about her boyfriend. She talks to you about him which is a huge red flag. (Did they even break up? She only "considers" herself single) Now he's back in the picture so she doesn't need you anymore, that's why you're not hearing from her. You didn't do anything wrong. I'm sure when he leaves her again, she'll start calling... Find someone better

 

yeah thats what i figured . im gonna go silence mode and not get in touch at all and see what happens . I just find it peculiar since I knew about the two of them way before ( and accepted it ) ... i just find it strange that she would just completely go silent on me after inviting me to her place, doing all that crazy stuff ... and now im just kinda left wondering wtf did i do wrong .. but yeah youre right i didnt do anything wrong .

 

We were such good friends even months back . we text each other randomly and were both actively supportive on social media ... after that night shes become a completely different person . hmm

[lolablue17]

It's probably mix of few things.

 

1. Yes, she wanted you from first day, but had no guts to tell you, so she was expecting you to make a move. When you didn't she was trying to find ways to understand. you didn't. She than told you she wants to F*** you, and asked you to come. Yet when you came over, still didn't do nothing. She got offended. It was very hurtful and humiliating on her side, to open her legs, telling you to f*** her, and get rejected by you.

 

All this made her to think you don't appreciate her, you're not attracted to her, and you're too good for her. She wanted you to take drugs, just to "downgrade" you to her level, as she interpreted it.

 

2. Her bf is probably another factor, not necessarily attached with the other issues. It was some how attached by timing. When she felt humiliated by you, she probably felt more needy and reached out to him. She probably talked to him on the phone that night to hurt you back. To make you jealous, that she has other options but you.

 

The bf issue could have popped up even if you did make a move and slept with her... It's a different additional thing

 

To tell you the truth... I think she's right, you're too good for her. :)

Edited September 6, 2016 by lolablue17

[triple-s]

It's probably mix of few things.

 

1. Yes, she wanted you from first day, but had no guts to tell you, so she was expecting you to make a move. When you didn't she was trying to find ways to understand. you didn't. She than told you she wants to F*** you, and asked you to come. Yet when you came over, still didn't do nothing. She got offended. It was very hurtful and humiliating on her side, to open her legs, telling you to f*** her, and get rejected by you.

 

All this made her to think you don't appreciate her, you're not attracted to her, and you're too good for her. She wanted you to take drugs, just to "downgrade" you to her level, as she interpreted it.

 

2. Her bf is probably another factor, not necessarily attached with the other issues. It was some how attached by timing. When she felt humiliated by you, she probably felt more needy and reached out to him. She probably talked to him on the phone that night to hurt you back. To make you jealous, that she has other options but you.

 

The bf issue could have popped up even if you did make a move and slept with her... It's a different additional thing

 

To tell you the truth... I think she's right, you're too good for her. :)

 

Question for you then Lolablue ;

 

1. if she was digging me , how come EVERY-FRIGGEN-DAY .. she would mentioned that BF of hers in every possible conversation .... like we would be looking at clothes then shed go " Mike had this ... Mike and i did that ... " ... NONSTOP . I got the red flag for this so i kept my cool

 

 

2. she wanted to F--- . Ok sure . I was going to do it but i arrived only to see her asleep. Was i supposed to molest her ? NOT MY KINDA THING lol /... i kept thinking " naw dude, youre gonna rape her " . Humiliated ? I can see where that could be the case but she already knows i have a thing for her ---- The one evenining me and her were out ; alone in the middle of nowhere I asked her if she could ever see us dating and she said yes ... BUT she said i deserve someone more normal. again kept talking about that dude over and over so i just backed down . I know my game was tight and i just couldnt peice her brain together ...

 

Ok granted she does want me ; why does it have to be under the influence of alcohol, drugs . Why not just be sober and have a go at each other that way ---- right ?

 

We havent spoken to each other since the day i left ... she hasnt been actively on social media ( but i once noticed she was looking at some of the pics i uploaded on facebook because she took on of the photos i took of her and her sister and uploaded it on social media so I KNOW shes been lurking my stuff )

 

Anyway .... would love to hear other ppl's thoughts - Thanks Lolablue for your input . I really just wanted to get other peoples 3rd party POV on this matter cuz im super confused on whats going on ....I admit i do like her and care enough for her well being ... but

[JoeSmith357-1]

Synopsis:

 

"I got caught up in a cross-country Netflix and Chill, that turned into blue balls, and all I got was a bump of cocaine"

 

Did I get that right?

[salparadise]

... at one point she tells me you dont want me because i have mental issues . " you need someone whos more normal " -- her exact words

 

If she says she has mental issues, believe her! Cray-cray will show up soon.

[preraph]

Oh, she's just chaotic and trying to fill the void her bf left when he dumped her. Obviously, I don't have to tell you to RUN from this relationship as fast as you can. She's just violent, period. I'm an old '70s person and I never saw sniffing type cocaine make anyone violent, but it IS a stimulant and it is often cut with speed, and that can make you very edgy. But if she wasn't violent to begin with, it wouldn't even do that. She'd suppress the urges.

 

What a mess.

[JoeSmith357-1]

Oh, she's just chaotic and trying to fill the void her bf left when he dumped her. Obviously, I don't have to tell you to RUN from this relationship as fast as you can. She's just violent, period. I'm an old '70s person and I never saw sniffing type cocaine make anyone violent, but it IS a stimulant and it is often cut with speed, and that can make you very edgy. But if she wasn't violent to begin with, it wouldn't even do that. She'd suppress the urges.

 

What a mess.

 

Some people can't handle their drugs.

 

I've never done cocaine, heroin, meth or opium, but have been around a ton of people who "partied".

 

I've smoked some weed in my younger days, 15+ years ago.

 

Some people can't handle their drugs. Especially women... crazy woman + cocaine = a recipe for disaster

 

For what it's worth, when she said she wanted to bang, I would have woke her up and banged her for everything I was worth. The writing was on the wall as far as this failed trip goes, I would have at least gotten a nut out of it

[triple-s]

Oh, she's just chaotic and trying to fill the void her bf left when he dumped her. Obviously, I don't have to tell you to RUN from this relationship as fast as you can. She's just violent, period. I'm an old '70s person and I never saw sniffing type cocaine make anyone violent, but it IS a stimulant and it is often cut with speed, and that can make you very edgy. But if she wasn't violent to begin with, it wouldn't even do that. She'd suppress the urges.

 

What a mess.

 

Yeah she told me she has some deep mental issues ( where she literally wants to kill ppl ; probably her parents because she seems to have deep rooted hatred for both of them ) --- She wasnt like this when i met her last year . Just the 10 days i spent with her ; i saw a side of her that i would never had guessed anyone could ever be .. first of its kind for me tbh .

[triple-s]

 

For what it's worth, when she said she wanted to bang, I would have woke her up and banged her for everything I was worth. The writing was on the wall as far as this failed trip goes, I would have at least gotten a nut out of it

 

Failed ? I still had a blast regardless of what didnt happen . I went there with no expectations ... just that night had her under the influence of drugs and alcohol . She said she wanted to bang but the moment i got to her she fell asleep . What was i supposed to do ?

 

I woke up the next morning and got up before she did .

 

How would you know she woulda banged me the morning after . She woulda been sobered up.

 

As a matter of fact i told her what happened later in the day and i said ' you literally started to unbuckle my pants ; she started to shake her head and she had this look of disgust on her face that shes done that so personally i dont think she woulda done so ...

 

Im just wierded out thatever since i left ; she has not said one word to me . Last year we kept in constant contact ...

 

its like were drifting away ...

[triple-s]

OK i have a question for everyone whos read this far --- say i DID bang her .

 

What difference would the outcome be ?

[Erik30]

OK i have a question for everyone whos read this far --- say i DID bang her .

 

What difference would the outcome be ?

 

My guess, no difference, or worse... she would flip it and claim you took advantage of her while she was intoxicated. Anyway, that's what she would probably also tell her (ex)boyfriend if he found out.

[triple-s]

My guess, no difference, or worse... she would flip it and claim you took advantage of her while she was intoxicated. Anyway, that's what she would probably also tell her (ex)boyfriend if he found out.

 

Agreed .

 

The next day we were in her car ... we actually talked about the night . I told her she unzipped my pants in the parking lot and she started shaking her head and appeared disgusted/ in denial .

 

and she added --- " ****. I wouldnt know what to tell my bf it went the next step further. "

[bolase]

You might be attracted to her and have had a connection one time, but she sounds like a bit of a loser, as someone else said I think you are too good for her. She doesn't even know what she wants. Go for a girl that doesn't give you mixed signals and is into you- just you, no messing with crack head boyfriends etc. you sound like you have a good attitude; look for a girl with a similar attitude to life and values.

[elaine567]

Oh, she's just chaotic and trying to fill the void her bf left when he dumped her. Obviously, I don't have to tell you to RUN from this relationship as fast as you can. She's just violent, period. I'm an old '70s person and I never saw sniffing type cocaine make anyone violent, but it IS a stimulant and it is often cut with speed, and that can make you very edgy. But if she wasn't violent to begin with, it wouldn't even do that. She'd suppress the urges.

 

What a mess.

Not the cocaine maybe but drinking and violence certainly go together.

Excessive alcohol I guess was also to blame for the her propositioning the OP too. Once sober she went OMG!