Should I proceed or not?

[MeiMeiZz]

Recently I met a guy who is really into me. He is a nice person, loves me alot, smart, etc.

 

Before we 'cross' the line, we are very good friends who go for lunch together everyday, just the two of us. At first I thought, it was nothing, after all, our work nature is flexible and arranging for lunch time for a group would be troublesome. And i thought that a guy and a girl can also be bff!

 

Later on, I broke up with my boyfriend and he consoled me. He told me (later on) that he really disliked seeing me cry. It hurts him. And soon after, he confided that he likes me.

 

As I had just broken up (in fact he confided even before I confirmed my broke up), i felt that i am not ready to go into a relationship. And so i rejected right away, and tell him that he had chosen a bad timing and i would definitely 100% reject him (I am not a two-timer, and it is just not right to do so). He accepted it coolly, and after that it seems fine as we continue our usual lunch together, though it is very obvious that he starts to look at me more affectionately.

 

But soon after, i felt that he is really a nice and fun guy and as we are good friends, who talk to each other very freely, I told him one night, casually that I may also like him, but only a little bit. He was elated and told me that it was as if he had striked a lottery.

 

But I am unsure of my feelings. After all, i think I should look around more before committing to another relationship (since I had just re-gain my single status!) Actually, everything about him is good, but he is not really good-looking.. i do have a few other male friends who had indicated interest in me, but I ignored them all because I was in a relationship then.

 

One part of me wants to start dating with him and another part of me wants to look around more before committing. And so I propose to him that let's have a probation period of a few months, ie I am not his girlfriend yet, but we can go out for few dates, hold hands. (*no hugging nor kissing; FYI i am an Asian Chinese, so am quite conservative).

 

I feel really happy being with him, and it feels good to hold his hand, walk with him, and chit-chat with him. He is elated to be able hold my hand and when i lie on his shoulder. He really treasures me and is really into me. He told me that he had fallen in love with me deeply.

 

BUT... the uncomfortable thing here is, we do not want to let others (our colleagues) know of our relationship yet, especially him, as he felt embarrassed to be in a "probation" period, at mercy of my acceptance... (FYI, he gets happy and sad according to my little hint of my decision....) For me, I felt very uncomfortable to do all these (holding of hands, dating) in a hiding manner, like we are doing something wrong.

 

On the other hand, there is another guy (another colleague, who is more handsome ) that I would like to 'try-out' / at least confirm if we are suitable or not... After all, i do not want to waste too much time, and just want to date the guy that I would marry in the end. I am not being a 'player' here. But it is nature for one to be attracted to more than one guy? Afterall, this current guy at first I thought i would never fall for him -- it is his sincerity and some sense of cute-ness and romantism that got me attracted to him (i was a little bit touched by his actions/behaviors/willingness to do things for me).

 

Can someone advice what should I do? Note that our relationship may affect our work, especially if it gets to my boss' ears. So it should not be messy in a love triangle, breaking up, spoiling relationships etc.. Would hope to seek advice from females.. Thanks lots.

[PaperCrane]

If you feel happy with him, confident in his sweetness to you and all of what you said, the possible payoff is very large. Looks are important but they always fade. Always. If that is your one and only hangup with Guy-1, (but remember, you do need to have some physical attraction to him) it might be a good idea to actually explore this further. If you shelve him and look around after whats already happened I can almost 100% guarantee he will be gutted.

 

He's going along with what you say because women set the pace of relationships while guys kind of push the envelope of them. The 'being on the same page' deal.

 

If you're looking at marriage, look for compatibility overall. If you try to follow lust down the road to marriage you'll find yourself lacking.

 

The scenario I see play out if you had your way: You tell Guy-1 that you want to try out Guy-2. He will say okay. Guy-2 may or may not reciprocate. If he does, you'll take another gamble of him being compatible or not. This will take time to really tell if you're a good level of compatible because your end goal is marriage and not dating to find what you like.

 

During this time regardless of anything with Guy-2, Guy-1 will suffer through anxiety and most likely heartbreak as you tell him he's essentially second best. Regardless of intentions or logic, you're telling Guy-1 that your history, his bravery in coming forward with his feelings for you, and ability to get along as well as you do isn't as important as what could possibly be with Guy-2. You barely know Guy-2, and that will resound in Guy-1's head over and over that what you've already built isn't good enough. So you will shatter whatever could have been, even if you end up coming back that will most likely poison the future with him. It isn't fair to him with what you're doing.

 

You say you aren't a two-timer but in essence that is what you're trying to do. I understand that freedom after a relationship and desire to go look around and how you're now 'allowed', in a way, to get attracted to other men.

 

You need to decide what you're going to do and do not keep Guy-1 or Guy-2 on the hook. I only say this because of the long history with Guy-1 that he most likely sees this progressing towards a relationship because you've already done the getting to know them phase and the 'dating' phase as you two already did lunch dates all the time.

 

I wonder if it's mostly guilt holding you back...