Long term crush-friend made a move...

[RubyWoo]

Hi everyone! I am an occasional lurker, first time poster looking for some love advice (and who isn't!!)

 

I will try to keep it as brief as possible... almost 4 years ago I moved to a new city where I started a completely new life after a horrible abusive relationship. And I met this guy at work... when I saw him my heart stopped. We sort of became friends and connected really well... I gradually fell for him, but he had a girlfriend though so obviously I was not to make a move.

 

Two years into it, we were at a BBQ party and after a few drinks I sort of confessed I had feelings for him. I just wanted to let it all out and told him I thought he was amazing. After that, everything was smooth and friendly as usual.

 

All the while, I knew he was unhappy in the relationship but for some reason they were together although the lack of love was obvious. I never said anything about it and just stayed classy.

 

Well... fast forward to last Wednesday, he asked me to go for drinks with some other people from work, and he told me he broke up with her two weeks ago. The night developed as usual, dancing and chatting and when he was driving me home (as always) he said "Last drink at my place?"

 

As soon as we got there, he kissed me, and we ended up sleeping together... it was amazing, as you can imagine the tension and passion were off the charts.

 

Now the thing is, I don't know whether this was a one time thing... and I don't know whether it is OK for me to ask him to meet up and have a coffee? I always had a feeling that he was curious about me, but I don't know what to do now!!

[d0nnivain]

Of course you can ask him anything you want. You can ask him for coffee. You can ask him to come over for a booty-call. You can ask him to marry you.

 

 

Thing is he is free to say no to any & all invitations.

 

 

He was only out of his LTR for 2 weeks when you two tumbled into bed together. I fear that to him you were simply "low hanging fruit" / a sure thing. He didn't have to do much to get you into bed & he didn't. He was horny & from where I sit it looks like he used you. Sorry.

 

 

Hopefully I'm wrong but only time will tell.

[RubyWoo]

Thanks, I appreciate your honesty and of course that is a possibility I have considered too. I am aware he knew I would be up for it. I still don't regret it, if worse comes to worst I had a passionate night with someone I had been wanting for years.

 

I guess I will just text and ask if he's up for a drink. At least if he says no I have some time to forget about it all before I see him at work in 2 weeks (he's on holidays)!!

[AGoodFriend]

A colleague and I had been friends and coworkers for about 3 years when finally, I went to a Christmas party with her. After the party, I asked her something similar about drinks at my place, which she accepted. We slept together and the passion was off the charts as you mentioned.

 

WE both had a mutual crush on each other the whole time, but danced around it in order to remain professional. It wasn't until the past year that she and I were no longer working together. And, I never saw her as "low-hanging fruit." In fact, we have had an incredibly serious relationship since then.

 

The "low-hanging fruit" thing can actually work both ways. A female can also see a good friend that she has a crush on as someone easier and more trustworthy with whom to venture out. In my case, I believe our friendship, respect, and admiration we had for each other before we went to the next level has sustained the relationship quite well. While we do have a dynamite physical connection, we can also talk about anything, and have largely the same interests. So definitely not an FWB thing.

 

As a guy, I would advise you to ask him what the night meant to him. Get straight to it. Especially if he hasn't brought it up. As the other poster mentioned, you MAY NOT get the answer you are looking for, so be ready for it. However, make sure you give the space he needs, if he needs it. He may be totally into you beyond just sex. If he's not, he's set himself for some awkward moments at work.

 

NB: It is good to do this before any other sexual activity occurs. You will be less likely to get hurt if you cut the sex off immediately (or within the first few times) than if you get strung along over the long term while he looks for someone else.

[RubyWoo]

Thanks for your reply!! I know we have to talk about it, but seeing he is out of town for a week now, next time we see each other will be at work...

 

Yesterday I was brave and casually texted him about having a beer, I thought we could hang out and explain what the night meant for us. He simply didn't reply to my text, which is obviously not a good sign...

[red.velvet]

I just came across your post.

It has been a few days-have you got a response to the text?

 

Please don't sleep with him again, until you get clarity on your situation.

[RubyWoo]

He didn't reply on the Sunday, he texted me on Monday saying he was sorry he had been busy with work and packing (he went on holidays that very same day) and sent me a pic of his hotel room views, chatted a couple more lines and I told him to have fun with his friend.

 

On Sunday he came back and texted me saying he was back in town and we briefly chatted. Then I saw him at work on Monday, we had opposite shifts so I was basically leaving 15 mins after he came in.

 

I somehow got some courage together and went up to talk to him (he can't really move from hia spot, so I quickly passed his department while leaving) we kissed on the cheek and hugged and I asked him whether he wanted to grab a drink sometime this week. He said today could be good so I am waiting to see what happens!!

 

I am very nervous as this is a guy I talk to at work all the time, we have been buying each other coffees for years, we always go downstairs to the staff room for lunch together, we have been out together...

 

I reaaaally like him but he always had a girlfriend. And now it's only been 3 weeks since they split up.

 

CONFUUUUUSED!!

[preraph]

It will be hard to know if this was a rebound after the breakup or if he intends to keep seeing you. But you have every right to clarify that with him. Something along the lines of "I really enjoyed the other night. I hope it isn't too soon after your breakup." and just see what he says about that. Because that gives him the opening to be honest and say "Yeah. Well, I've been curious about you ever since you told me you liked me" (as a one-time thing) or "Thanks. I was pretty drunk." (as an excuse for doing it to a coworker) or him saying something like, "I really enjoyed it too. Things are a little rocky right now, but we should get together again soon." (he likes you). And if it's the last one, just make sure you do not agree to just getting together for sex but that he's actually dating you. If he says "How about if I come over Friday night?" but doesn't suggest going out, just say you already have plans. Let him ask you on a real date before you agree to see him. Otherwise, you are setting yourself up to just be the sex between relationships. Good luck. I hope he makes his intentions clear soon. But beware because most guys like to play the field after a breakup.

[RubyWoo]

Thanks for your input!! I agree it is really hard to know what is going on in his head...

I texted him yesterday but he said he had quite a busy day and it was better to leave it for some other day... I don't think he would lie about it... but I am worried it may have just been an excuse.

 

I know he isn't a bad guy, and I know he appreciates me as a person... but I am completely lost here, and there is nothing I can do but wait to see what happens

[Versacehottie]

If I were in your shoes, I would just step back and let him make the next move. I think you've done enough to show your interest is beyond physical and one-time so the next move is his. He may not be thinking of you as a rebound however, if you make the timing and pressure as such, maybe that's all you will be. Stepping back allows him the appropriate time to process his breakup and actually be ready to date you. Making yourself too available would be a fail on both counts. So IMO you have done enough, and if he asks you can let him know that you enjoyed the night and always enjoy your time with him and leave it at that. Kinda a ...... and let him fill in the blank with his next action.

 

Now that you have crossed the line physically, if I were in your shoes, I would be nice but distant so that he has a chance to miss you and not get the friendship benefits he had previously from you. Nor the substitute gf-type or ego boost type benefits either. This is exactly the time to show you have self respect. I think you haven't made any mistakes so far but now is time to shift gears due to his reluctance to move forward. Sure take it at face value that he was busy with work AND not that motivated (at the moment) to schedule a firm date with you. Teach this person how to treat you. If he does not take an invite or opportunity, he may miss his chance. Not that you will be right there waiting. So this is where it stands now. Handle well. Good luck.

[RubyWoo]

Thanks for your answer!! I know I have to give it time, and I will do that!

 

Today at work he asked me to go to the staff room for coffee as usual, we chatted and laughed but nothing was said (there were other coworkers nearby anyway) but just before ending my shift I thought screw it and went to his side of the shop to talk.

 

I just approached him with a smile and said "well since I am super shy and you don't say anything... are you wanting to meet up again sometime?"

 

He replied "yes yes we will meet up again" and turned super bright red (he is extremely shy) and I then explained that I had fun the other night but I wanted him to trust me enough to know we are friends and if it was just a one night thing he can be open and tell me, no hard feelings.

 

I hope I didn't seem pushy, I tried to be friendly and open about it... just letting him know he can be honest should he feel it was a mistake.

 

Did I mess up? :/

[Versacehottie]

Thanks for your answer!! I know I have to give it time, and I will do that!

 

Today at work he asked me to go to the staff room for coffee as usual, we chatted and laughed but nothing was said (there were other coworkers nearby anyway) but just before ending my shift I thought screw it and went to his side of the shop to talk.

 

I just approached him with a smile and said "well since I am super shy and you don't say anything... are you wanting to meet up again sometime?"

 

He replied "yes yes we will meet up again" and turned super bright red (he is extremely shy) and I then explained that I had fun the other night but I wanted him to trust me enough to know we are friends and if it was just a one night thing he can be open and tell me, no hard feelings.

 

I hope I didn't seem pushy, I tried to be friendly and open about it... just letting him know he can be honest should he feel it was a mistake.

 

Did I mess up? :/

 

Hmmmm, hard to tell. I'm kinda a stickler for wording so that the real message doesn't get lost and tone. I think on the surface and maybe to him it can seem like you are still pushing for a "result", or a date or to move things forward. That is what you directly asked: to meet up again. That requires him to define, be ready and commit to at least that, not to mention you work together which ups the pressure combined with his personal situation. From how you worded it here, the tone was cool which I think was good. But the rest I'm not sure about. It shows your interest again (which can be perceived as pushy or pressure or too available/desperate). And you gave him an out, by posing what you wanted but a reason he might not want to (one night thing).

 

I just afraid he probably doesn't HAVE the answer. You just have to let him get there. I wouldn't do any more asking out or being too available. That's it. Good luck.

[RubyWoo]

Yeah I get you! It was just strange acting as nothing happened when I could look into his eyes and see that he was nervous inside too.

 

At least we talked about it briefly, and I hope he appreciates my courage in bringing it up. I am shy, but he is even more introvert than I am...!!

 

Now I am just going to act as we always do, even a bit more distant so he doesn't feel smothered at work. I told him also that the workplace was no place for this stuff so I was not to say anything about the subject again.

 

Hopefully he takes initiative now and asks to meet for a drink sometime... he has a lot on his plate right now so I know I must be patient!

[Versacehottie]

And seriously dates others and keep your other interests and fun activities very busy. You don't tell them you are dating others and you certainly tell them about fun things you have been doing in your free time. But there is an anxiousness to "waiting" that people can feel even if you they have not been made explicitly aware of it. Your best chance WITH him and WITHOUT him is to really put effort into living the life you have and make some attempt to move on with other guys. If there's a chance he will be interested, it usually works. I will again say don't tell him directly. Trying to cause jealousy does not work (well it does sometimes but for the wrong reasons). Dating other guys lets you really take the pressure off, compare how he ACTUALLY treats you with what you HOPE it could be to how another guy ACTUALLY treats you, and covers your bases so that you are not wasting time and end up regretting chunks of your life.

 

I like the tone I think you conveyed your message with. Sometimes that is equally as important as the content. I'm only a stickler for both because you really only get one shot for a conversation like that without looking crazy or too clingy--so you have to make sure it says what you need it to say. But the tone was right on so all you have to do now is see what is next and keep living your life. I say this all the time: Think of it as planting a seed. Sometimes the timing isn't perfect but the effort you put in is good and fine, it's just doesn't come to fruition immediately. Good luck

[RubyWoo]

Thanks for the advice!! Playing it cool is definitely helping, on Thursday he texted me a few hours after we had seen each other at work and asked me if I felt like meeting up.

 

So he drove up to my neighbourhood, we went out to grab something for dinner and then we had a drink at my place. It was all very relaxed and comfortable, as we have known each other for years.

 

Inevitably, we ended up sleeping together but it wasn't rushed at all. He stayed over and in the morning he invited me out for breakfast at a coffee shop nearby, then he kissed me before leaving.

 

At work he is acting the same, plus a few cheeky looks and giggles here and there.

 

I know right now he doesn't want a relationship, but I think at least it is looking as if we will see each other again.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Ruby,

 

It is rather challenging to sit back and offer objective advice when we'd rather root for you the whole time!!

 

My best vibe is that you really ARE on a great path toward bliss, and you are (describing here every tiny little-but-exciting THOUGHT you have on the subject of him).

 

Take a deep breath, and just be yourself...

 

 

I think he's interested... but at least one of you will have to overcome your hesitation in order to make it clear to one another that you're on the same page.

[preraph]

Thanks for the advice!! Playing it cool is definitely helping, on Thursday he texted me a few hours after we had seen each other at work and asked me if I felt like meeting up.

 

So he drove up to my neighbourhood, we went out to grab something for dinner and then we had a drink at my place. It was all very relaxed and comfortable, as we have known each other for years.

 

Inevitably, we ended up sleeping together but it wasn't rushed at all. He stayed over and in the morning he invited me out for breakfast at a coffee shop nearby, then he kissed me before leaving.

 

At work he is acting the same, plus a few cheeky looks and giggles here and there.

 

I know right now he doesn't want a relationship, but I think at least it is looking as if we will see each other again.

 

Just remember that if he has said he doesn't want a relationship, that means you need to date other people as well. Don't just assume he'll change his mind. He won't as long as he can get his needs met, whatever they are, without having to commit to anything. So you keep dating other people too.

[RubyWoo]

I shall do!! To be honest I am not dating much lately, I am a very busy working lady, hahaha!! But I get what you mean...

 

I also understand he has only been single for a month, so he needs to proccess all that has gone down lately!

[Cherryz]

well i agree with the first comment.

even if 2 people in a relationship is not a good match dont make that your business.

stay away from people you know are not single!

 

and i do think 2 weeks.......is very short time to say he is over his ex and ready for relationship.

and also if a guy ask you to meet at his place or your place is never something cute or

nice.

A gentle men will take you to nice restaurants and not at home were the bed is one step away.

 

after such a horrible and abuse relationship dont go jump into things with guys.

take your time heal, and for sure work on your self esteem read self help books.

you dont want to move away and have same kind of life.

 

dont ask him for anything. and dont give him anything. and stop hanging out with him.

move on.and get a lesson out of this.

[RubyWoo]

I don't think you read the thread properly? I never did anything while he was with his GF, we are coworkers and really good friends.

 

I never even once said anything negative about her or their relationship, in the almost 4 years that I have been working with him. We have been to parties, barbeques, work meetings... I had the chance to seduce him more than once and never even hinted at it.

 

I should be granted a patience award if anything.