itsdinaah Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 So I've been friends with this guy for close to a year. We're transitioning into more than friends and will be going on our first date when he comes back from vacation. He's been on vacation for a few months and he's a really crappy communicator. I've talked to him about this a few times and every time he claims he's a bad "texter" or he's been busy. The last thing I want to do is come off as needy but communication is really important in a relationship to me and he seems to not even be willing to try for me. What should I do? Link to post Share on other sites
shylane Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 I feel a "red flag" coming on. "Vacation"? Unavailable? It's quite alright for people not to be glued to their cell phones, some people just don't like the ball and chain of it. But when you go on this first date with the guy, be sure to watch to see how often he checks his phone for messages. If he's using the phone, excuses himself to go check messages....then he might have a girlfriend/wife he doesn't want you to know about. The best date for you to have is an ALL DAY type, a long drive and hike somewhere. That will force out the truth of whether he actually IS phone dependent, (getting messages and calls from another female), or if he's telling you the truth and simply doesn't like writing/texting etc... Just watch. And ask him to call you that same evening to say "good-night", he shouldn't have any problem spending time talking to you before going to bed after an awesome date. Unless someone else is in the room with him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 he's a really crappy communicator communication is really important in a relationship to me You guys aren't compatible. You just said it yourself. He's a crappy communicator. Communication is important to you. Do you believe that if you get into a relationship with him, that he will magically become a great communicator? Do you believe that if you get into a relationship with him, communication will magically stop being important to you? You are setting yourself up for disappointment by pursuing this. Just stay friends and move on and find someone who is on the same page as you are. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 Well I wouldn't go as far as shylane did saying about perhaps having a gf or wife. You're friends already so I'm presuming you know a decent amount about his life. I don't have an answer to your particular question. I can see that he might not want to invest in what is literally a long distance relationship for the entire summer. And would just wait to start up with you when he gets back. That makes sense and some guys (people) are like this. I wouldn't freak out over it. Shylane did say something really smart though. You should pay attention to how tied someone is to their phone when you are on your dates (or in your case hanging out as friends so far). It will tell you if it is a plausible scenario when he is not texting you or returning texts. There are people who are tied to their phones like no ones business and when they say they didn't get a text or haven't had time to reply, it's not very believable. But then there are others who leave the phone in the car, at home, don't look at it for hours, etc. Which one is he? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author itsdinaah Posted August 10, 2015 Author Share Posted August 10, 2015 I've hung out with him as friends before. He never once checked his phone while I was with him. However, when we're not together he's always updating his instagram, Snapchat and Facebook. Sometimes he goes days or weeks without talking to me. I wanted to cut him some slack since he's visiting family but I have another friend who's also visiting family who communicates with me thoughout the day despite the time difference. I guess I'll keep him as just a friend since he can't give me the main thing I want in a relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stretcher2 Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 I agree with Shylane on the redflag! Believe there is a wife in the background and that is why the hesitation. Better to be safe and check it out real good before you get stung. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author itsdinaah Posted August 19, 2015 Author Share Posted August 19, 2015 Thank you for answering. I feel like I would be settling for less than I deserve and not happy. If he's not willing to make an effort to simply maintain communication after I told him twice then I don't think he cares about me at all. I'll keep him as a friend but should I tell him why I don't wan a relationship with him anymore? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 Hmmm, I think you are more in power and look less emotional AND will get better behavior out of him (if for some reason you were to reconsider or he talked you into giving it another try) IF you do not contact. And when he contacts just tell him nicely and breezily, that you decided to move on. If you contact someone in which the issue is that they don't contact you to "break up" or let him go, it just looks a little crazy or like you are looking for a reaction or to shake him up. You've told him what you need; he's ignoring it so safe to assume that you are fine to move on. Especially if you haven't heard from him in weeks. You don't owe him anything. I assume there's no exclusivity so he should be assuming that you are doing that anyway if he leaves huge gaps of time where someone else can get to you. Overly loyal and too available if you seriously think he deserves this answer, which is probably at least part of the reason you are having this problem with him. Hey listen when and if he contacts and wants back in you will be in best position to negotiate with him about it. Right now he's not calling/contacting because you are not on his mind as a priority and you will be in worst position to "get through" to him or re-negotiate anything. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author itsdinaah Posted August 19, 2015 Author Share Posted August 19, 2015 I rarely contact him first. I feel like I also made myself too available to him. He used to be so good at communication but I guess I don't make as much to him. I missed out on a few good guys waiting around for him but lesson learned. I don't think he thinks I would ever move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 I don't think he thinks I would ever move on. yeah, a lot of guys think that about too nice, too available, too passive girls. They aren't always right. Don't let him be right. He doesn't need an explanation of what you are doing. He's not pursuing enough so safe to assume other guys will make their way in. At least it will correct whatever incorrect assumption he's made about your get-ability! Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted August 20, 2015 Share Posted August 20, 2015 Thank you for answering. I feel like I would be settling for less than I deserve and not happy. If he's not willing to make an effort to simply maintain communication after I told him twice then I don't think he cares about me at all. I'll keep him as a friend but should I tell him why I don't wan a relationship with him anymore? Yes, and not only that, at the beginning of a relationship is when people put on their very best faces, and make the most possible effort. If he goes days or weeks without talking to you while he is courting you and trying to build a relationship, then the future is bleak once he feels safe and firmly in the relationship. It won't get better. Link to post Share on other sites
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