One night changes things

[amkxoxo]

So I need some help. I need a solid outside opinion on my situation. So a guy friend and I have been getting closer and closer. We joke around and talk almost everyday. We take walks together and its just a friendship to me. I only want to be his friend. We respect each other, and surprisingly we don't have a lot in common but we have so much fun talking. I don't like him at all in a romantic way. I have mentioned an ex boyfriend I am still thinking about occasionally to him.

 

The other night he and I went to a party together with some friends. We had a great time. We drank a bit of alcohol and he drove me home. He came upstairs to my place and we were watching a movie. We have done this before and its been no big deal. We were talking and joking around and watching the movie. The night progressed on and before we knew it joking turned into light touching and then holding hands and then kissing. We ended up making out in my bed. We would make out and then we would talk for a while and then make out some more.

 

I still didn't have feelings for him. I still don't. I told him so. He told me he liked me, but he didn't think we would ever be good together in a relationship. We made things clear. But the situation was so unclear at the same time. I made it clear I didn't like him at all and even told him I had feelings for other people, old flames of mine. He said he didn't care and it wasn't serious for him either.

 

Some clothes came off and I also told him I wouldn't have sex with him. He said I was a nice girl and he didn't expect me to. He said he was fine with not having sex and just kissing and stuff.

 

More clothes came off and he and I were pretty much almost naked. We kissed a lot and made out and touched each other a lot. He was so nice to me, and I trusted him since we had become good friends. This lasted practically all night.

 

We talked about maybe doing this casually, no sex, unless either of us found people we wanted to be with officially and then we would stop. We talked about never doing it again. Our situation was in limbo. He said it could be a one night thing, or we could casually make out some times since we were both single.

 

I was raised very conservatively. I'm a virgin, not a nun, but a nice girl. I don't take guys home and let them sleep with me. But I have had a few guys that I have dated that I have done some stuff with. I'm 23, hormonal, and curious.

 

Waking up the next day he and I talked a bit and it was kind of awkward. We have been texting since like normal with some joking around. Some really light flirting, but nothing serious. I told him I was unsure if I wanted anything to happen again. He said that was fine, and our regular friendship could persist like usual. I told him I was unsure. I am unsure. He isn't my type at all. I feel like a slut. I feel like he and others are judging me or will judge me. I don't want to seem like some easy girl that is okay with casually being available to my guy friends. I don't want future boyfriends to judge me, if I tell them I fooled around with a guy friend. I feel dirty, letting someone I wasn't dating or going to be in a relationship with touch me and see me pretty much naked. Maybe I shouldn't have let it get far. I went with it willingly.

 

But then my rational side keeps telling me that what I did was fine. I have girl friends who lost their virginity when they were 16 and have been sleeping with men since. I didn't even do that. I'm still a virgin and don't plan on having sex anytime soon. I consider myself a nice, sweet girl. People know me as that, and I feel like if they knew what I did with my friend, they would think I was a slut or no nice and cute anymore. Even if I had sex with my friend, I am 23 and smart enough to make that decision. I feel ashamed. I feel like as much and he and I are still friends after this, we might not always be because this situation might catch up to us. I'm terrified. I don't want to be with him, but I don't know if I might want to do physical stuff with him again. I feel like its a bad idea, but I liked what we did. I'm so confused.

 

Any advice, opinions?

[GoBlue]

I feel ashamed. I feel like as much and he and I are still friends after this, we might not always be because this situation might catch up to us. I'm terrified. I don't want to be with him, but I don't know if I might want to do physical stuff with him again. I feel like its a bad idea, but I liked what we did. I'm so confused. Any advice, opinions?

 

When you say that you were raised "conservatively," do you mean in a religious (or more specifically - Christian) home? As someone who doesn't know you and is simply taking what you wrote at face value (I am a Christian by the way), there seems to be a large part of you that wants to be seen as the "nice girl." By "nice girl" it appears you mean someone who doesn't get half naked with guys and definitely doesn't have sex. Your shame is easily dealt with, confess it and move on. Forgiveness is guaranteed. Understanding that you are young and "hormonal" is nothing that should produce shame, but if you don't want to do these things than don't put yourself in a position where they will happen.

 

I am not as young as I used to be but I do know one thing, if you and this guy keep returning to this kind of contact you will eventually have sex. There is a passage of scripture that exhorts us to "flee temptation" it doesn't say "resist" it. You know why? There are certain aspects of our nature that crave expression and the only way to live in consistent victory is to stay out of compromising situations. I don't know if you are religious or not but you have waited 23 years and the last thing you probably want to do is give that precious gift away to someone you know that you don't even like in a romantic way. Once the gift is given it can't be taken back.

 

There is no need to be overly hard on yourself. Acknowledge what happened and deal with it in a positive way. Self-abuse and shame are not healthy responses. Letting your friend know that this will not happen again, and apologizing for letting it go there in the first place, could be another possibility. Know what you want and why, and hold firm to your convictions. I applaud you for waiting - there isn't enough of that these days. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Blessings!

[AGoodFriend]

You messed around but didn't go all the way. I think that is commendable. It seems like the guy is fairly decent as well. You could have found yourself in a tougher situation with a pushier and more aggressive young man. Your boundaries were clear and he respected them in the end.

 

I think there is no reason to tell any future boyfriends about this, to be honest with you. And of someone does ask, you just say that you have only messed around but never gone all the way, and you don't plan to until you are married.