Country_Girl Posted September 9, 2014 Share Posted September 9, 2014 I've had a FWB situation for about 4 months. It's been kind of confusing as we hang out often (watch movies, go out to dinner, have taken trips together). We cuddle when we watch movies, we don't always have sex, we've probably slept together 5 times. I know he's attracted to me, as he will compliment me and call me gorgeous. We text daily, probably hang out 3 times a week, last week we spent 5 days in a row together, every 2 days or so we talk on the phone for an hour, sometimes 2. We have had 2 fights, they seemed like "couple" type arguments. He always chases me after the fight. I was sitting in bed last night and decided I wanted some clarity on the situation, as we are very emotionally involved, share life experiences, help each other out. I texted him last night asking if there was more going on between us, anything more than friendship? He texted me this morning saying our friendship means the world to him. So I guess I have my answer, I would assume that was a rejection text. Does anyone have any advice for me. I'm not mad at him, you can't make anyone like you, but I think I need to scale this friendship back otherwise it's going to hurt me, the more emotionally invested I've become. Link to post Share on other sites
Atticus9292012 Posted September 9, 2014 Share Posted September 9, 2014 I have been in this spot before. My best advice is to cut your losses and pursue something with someone who can offer you a relationship. What you are doing is a relationship without the commitment. I'd walk away before you get hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
Eighty_nine Posted September 9, 2014 Share Posted September 9, 2014 Those are very relationship-y things that you described. I think he's a jerk for responding that way... as if you're clearly only friends. Save yourself further pain and stop giving him the "benefits" of a relationship right now. No sex, no cuddling, no hanging out so much. You must distance yourself for him. There's always a chance this will lead to him realizing he does feel more. He definitely won't want more if you keep giving him those things outside of a real relationship. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted September 9, 2014 Share Posted September 9, 2014 Why do people even have FWB type relationships? It always seems that the woman ends up wanting more. Why accept this type of relationship from a man? FWB means sex with no expectations but the woman always ending up wanting a relationship and a label. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 9, 2014 Share Posted September 9, 2014 You are right to want to back off once your feelings are involved if he doesn't reciprocate. However, before you throw him out like yesterday's trash, try actually talking to him. Attempting to figure this out via text is a BAD idea. Emotions need more than a few characters; context is important & you can't get that from a text. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted September 9, 2014 Share Posted September 9, 2014 This is the problem with FWB arrangements, some of them. Never get in one if what you're really looking for is something lasting. It's hard to not get emotional when you're spending time together -- either liking more or disliking . When you're FWB, I think the friends part is kind of inaccurate and that you shouldnt even be trying to be friends and not contact each other except for sex. That's not FWB. That is old-fashioned F-buddies. That way you don't get the two confused. I think FWB is a bit of a misnomer. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Country_Girl Posted September 10, 2014 Author Share Posted September 10, 2014 I have been in this spot before. My best advice is to cut your losses and pursue something with someone who can offer you a relationship. What you are doing is a relationship without the commitment. I'd walk away before you get hurt. I think you're right. I feel like this is a buffer as a relationship for him. These will do neither of us any good. I need to walk that's for sure. Do I need to explain to him why I am walking? I don't want him to feel like I'm punishing him...it would be just too painful to continue. I'm already hurt, been sobbing all day :-( Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted September 10, 2014 Share Posted September 10, 2014 I texted him last night asking if there was more going on between us, anything more than friendship? He texted me this morning saying our friendship means the world to him. So I guess I have my answer, NOPE! He did not answer the question that you asked him. In any case, EVEN IF he did answer your question (which he did not), it is not a "rejection". It is an ACCEPTANCE of the relationship exactly as it is right now. But. He did not answer your question directly. You did NOT ask, "What does our friendship mean to you?" Which is the only question that he answered. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Atticus9292012 Posted September 10, 2014 Share Posted September 10, 2014 Most people would tell you to just pull back and stop seeing him without an explanation....that's not me.....I have to either have a conversation on the phone or see someone face to face and get my feelings out. I have to give everything 100% before I can walk away. I feel cleansed and have no regrets this way. I have never had a guy call me crazy or act like I was being overly emotional either. I'd tell him what I want and if he can't do that, that's when you have to walk away and cut contact. Don't settle for less than what you want. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Country_Girl Posted September 10, 2014 Author Share Posted September 10, 2014 Those are very relationship-y things that you described. I think he's a jerk for responding that way... as if you're clearly only friends. Save yourself further pain and stop giving him the "benefits" of a relationship right now. No sex, no cuddling, no hanging out so much. You must distance yourself for him. There's always a chance this will lead to him realizing he does feel more. He definitely won't want more if you keep giving him those things outside of a real relationship. I'm a little upset at his reply too. He plays games with people, I've seen him do it, he purposely will give elusive answers to people to keep them guessing. So why wouldn't he do that with me? My friend thinks he purposely didn't "answer" the question so he could keep the door cracked. Yeah next time me sit down and talk I'm going to tell him the benefits need to stop, it's not going to help either of us grow. Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted September 10, 2014 Share Posted September 10, 2014 Now hang on a second here. Entertain this idea. He never actually said he was not into you. Its actually highly likely that he VERY much likes you, but because he thinks that all you want is a FWB type situation, he is scared to ruin it by telling you he has feelings. He might have this false impression that you will run (will you?) Don't quite give up on this yet... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Country_Girl Posted September 10, 2014 Author Share Posted September 10, 2014 NOPE! He did not answer the question that you asked him. In any case, EVEN IF he did answer your question (which he did not), it is not a "rejection". It is an ACCEPTANCE of the relationship exactly as it is right now. But. He did not answer your question directly. You did NOT ask, "What does our friendship mean to you?" Which is the only question that he answered. You are 100% correct. I have been rather irritated by this. I feel he did that on purpose. I want to have a sit down talk with him and explain why I am cutting off the benefits and scaling the friendship back. But I also feel it will be useless as I'm not going to get an honest answer from him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Country_Girl Posted September 10, 2014 Author Share Posted September 10, 2014 Most people would tell you to just pull back and stop seeing him without an explanation....that's not me.....I have to either have a conversation on the phone or see someone face to face and get my feelings out. I have to give everything 100% before I can walk away. I feel cleansed and have no regrets this way. I have never had a guy call me crazy or act like I was being overly emotional either. I'd tell him what I want and if he can't do that, that's when you have to walk away and cut contact. Don't settle for less than what you want. I agree, I will tell him why I am walking. I just hope it doesn't result in more game playing. I have a friend that has listened to me vent about this (his drama and confusing antics) for the last 3 years. She told me today she thinks he might be a sociopath. It's interesting, because I have thought that for a while now, yet never voiced it to her. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted September 10, 2014 Share Posted September 10, 2014 I want to have a sit down talk with him and explain why I am cutting off the benefits and scaling the friendship back. But I also feel it will be useless as I'm not going to get an honest answer from him. Yes, I would also guess that he deliberately ducked your question. Why do you feel the need to explain anything to him? It doesn't sound like he's so stupid that he won't know that he's been less-than-direct in answering what you asked. Also. Is your sit-down with him to tell him what you have decided for yourself (YEAH! for empowered women)...or to try to get/influence/manipulate/coerce him to admit whatever feelings he does (or does not) have for you? (In which case, not so much 'yeah'.) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Country_Girl Posted September 10, 2014 Author Share Posted September 10, 2014 Now hang on a second here. Entertain this idea. He never actually said he was not into you. Its actually highly likely that he VERY much likes you, but because he thinks that all you want is a FWB type situation, he is scared to ruin it by telling you he has feelings. He might have this false impression that you will run (will you?) Don't quite give up on this yet... I don't think so, I think he knows I'm a sensitive person, I don't really do meaningless relationships. Before we hooked up, he asked me once if I'm the type to do casual sex. I said no, only in a committed relationship...go figure we slept together that night. I hadn't slept with anyone for 2 years before we started sleeping together, and he knew that. Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted September 10, 2014 Share Posted September 10, 2014 I don't think so, I think he knows I'm a sensitive person, I don't really do meaningless relationships. Before we hooked up, he asked me once if I'm the type to do casual sex. I said no, only in a committed relationship...go figure we slept together that night. I hadn't slept with anyone for 2 years before we started sleeping together, and he knew that. You don't even know if his actions were done out of malicious intent yet. Why don't you find out whats really going on before you let your emotions get in the way of the situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Country_Girl Posted September 10, 2014 Author Share Posted September 10, 2014 Yes, I would also guess that he deliberately ducked your question. Why do you feel the need to explain anything to him? It doesn't sound like he's so stupid that he won't know that he's been less-than-direct in answering what you asked. Also. Is your sit-down with him to tell him what you have decided for yourself (YEAH! for empowered women)...or to try to get/influence/manipulate/coerce him to admit whatever feelings he does (or does not) have for you? (In which case, not so much 'yeah'.) No I hear you, not coming from a place of manipulation. I just can't do this anymore, it hurts to much. What made me ask the question was me thinking about the future...the fact that he is 5 months out of a relationship and tells me he always would jump into the next one...it makes me realize he's using this friendship as a buffer for a relationship. And when he meets the next girl he wants to date, what happens to me? No chick would accept this friendship...I will be tossed aside. We were getting close 2 years ago, before his most recent failed relationship. Same thing, sleepovers and cuddling watching movies...4th of July 2 years ago we cuddled and watched movies till 4 am (we were not hooking up back then)...8 days later he was in a committed relationship with someone else. Few months later he ended the friendship, due to the relationship. He then reconnected with me a year later when he was having gf problems. I'm just going to be tossed aside if I continue things :-( He's done it before. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted September 10, 2014 Share Posted September 10, 2014 I'm just going to be tossed aside if I continue things :-( He's done it before. No reason at all to disagree with you. Unfortunately. Patterns are patterns and habits are habits. You gotta get out, yes? Sit-down not really even necessary, is it? Hugs. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Country_Girl Posted September 10, 2014 Author Share Posted September 10, 2014 No reason at all to disagree with you. Unfortunately. Patterns are patterns and habits are habits. You gotta get out, yes? Sit-down not really even necessary, is it? Hugs. Thanks Ronni, yeah I guess not. I don't think I owe it to him. If he was a friend of higher caliber that actually expressed their feelings, then yes. Think I'm just going to fade out...as cruel and unkind as I think it is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Country_Girl Posted September 10, 2014 Author Share Posted September 10, 2014 Sometimes I hate being so sensitive... Anyway, he has some marketing campaign going and I'm tired of the spam mail. I emailed him last night asking if he could remove me from the list. An hour later I got the typical daily text asking how my day was. I was sleeping and didn't see it till now. I feel like such an a** for not replying. I feel like I'm going to come across as cold and bitter...it's not that, I just need to move forward, I feel this friendship is holding me back from meeting people. My friend also told me it was weird that he had us sleep in separate rooms when we went away for Labor Day weekend. She thought it was a game/control tactic. I thought it was odd too. Just weird...who watches the stars at night till 2 am over coffee and talks about deep issues with just a 'friend'. I feel like such a jerk not replying to the text...but I feel he's keeping things in limbo on purpose :-( Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 10, 2014 Share Posted September 10, 2014 . Think I'm just going to fade out...as cruel and unkind as I think it is. You are being a coward. If you really like this guy, risk getting hurt. TALK TO HIM! Yes, I'm shouting that sentence. You are basing your decision to run on an evasive answer to a text. As we have pointed out, his answer could have been what he thought you wanted to hear because he may have assumed you were picking up on his deepening feelings & trying to put everything back in the NSA box. Don't run from just a text message. If you do, you will hurt him deeply, never be able to find out if this could turn into something, have no closure & end up regretting it forever. That sucks so much more -- setting him up as the one who got away -- then biting the bullet & talking to him. Even if he says no & rejects you, then you have a clean break from which you can move forward & you will eventually find comfort knowing you had the strength to try for what you wanted. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Eighty_nine Posted September 10, 2014 Share Posted September 10, 2014 You are being a coward. If you really like this guy, risk getting hurt. It's true. Also, the hurt you may experience now could be much more manageable than the hurt you may go through if things move on. I liked my FWB a lot & felt very connected to him, but I was too afraid of getting hurt to actually ask for what I wanted... a relationship. So I strung it along and ended up getting hurt far, far worse. Turns out my FWB is a really messed up/bad person... but anyway I would've saved myself from finding out the harder way if I just told him how I felt months and months ago. So yes. I say, be honest, take the risk. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 10, 2014 Share Posted September 10, 2014 I should have added, I risked & told my FWB that I liked him. We ended up together for almost 12 years. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Country_Girl Posted September 10, 2014 Author Share Posted September 10, 2014 So I did text him back today. He's had relationships before, so I know he's capable of initiating one. I feel if he wanted that from me, he would have gone there. I don't think he's scared, I gave him an opportunity to say something. I will talk to him about declaring some boundaries in this friendship, I'll wait till we are in person for that. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 10, 2014 Share Posted September 10, 2014 I feel if he wanted that from me, he would have gone there. I don't think he's scared, I gave him an opportunity to say something. I will talk to him about declaring some boundaries in this friendship, I'll wait till we are in person for that. You saw it as an opportunity. It could have been interpreted as you heading off any declarations by him that he liked you because he interpreted what you said as a way to making sure he didn't say anything you didn't want to hear. I'm glad you are going to talk to him in person. Link to post Share on other sites
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