Should I Just End It?

[TrojanHorse]

Okay, so to start, about a year ago I met a girl who I believe to encompass every quality I look for in a woman. She is beautiful, smart, funny, and someone I consider to be a strong and admirable person in every sense.

 

She had moved to town with her boyfriend of two years and the two of us would become friends. Anyhow, the boyfriend had been long neglecting her at every turn while choosing to indulge in drug related activities with his friends over spending time with her. The two had been distant with one another in all the time I had known them, until one day she had become fed up with it all and decided to break it off. The distraught ex boyfriend would then begin to issue death threats to her and snap at the drop of a hat at even the slightest agitation. I would attempt to do what I could to support her through it all, even offering to testify in court on her behalf, as I had been present for one of the aforementioned death threats. However, the case would never make it to court.

 

Anyhow, a mere few days following this breakup, while the threats were still being issued, she had then become "involved" with another guy who was obviously not interested in anything remotely serious; she would literally hang off his arm, her pupils dilated, while he stared into space not paying her any attention. She would send him flirtatious texts and squeal in glee over any simple non flirtatious response from him. She would speak incessantly about how "dreamy" he was, while he would be quick to change the subject whenever her name came up in conversation. It blew my mind that she was so head over heels for this guy; I know about the whole stereotypical desire for the confident "bad boy", but for a guy who refused to even acknowledge her? It would ultimately end after they had hooked up for one night that weekend, and he had apparently got up and left her apartment after it was over without saying a word (he had ended it btw, not her).

 

By this time, her and I were good friends and I was prepared to ask her out, though she had immediately become involved with another guy who had moved to town before I had the opportunity. After a few months, she had become subject to an accidental pregnancy and was receiving constant texts from her irate mother who wanted her to have the baby aborted, while her father refused to speak to her. The boyfriend intended to see her have the baby while she became depressed and conflicted about what to do. I offered her all the support that I could as a friend and told her that the right decision would be which ever was hers. Anyhow, through this ordeal, my feelings for her had gone from infatuation to pure love and admiration; she had really shown me what a strong and beautiful person she was. Anyhow, she would have the child aborted and the boyfriend would leave her in anger.

 

It was at this point that I was truly determined to ask her out, my feelings were undeniable; though before I could do so, she had mentioned that she would need some time to get over the ordeal before she could begin dating again, so I held off and had decided that I would give her the time she needed before asking her. However, after a conversation she had with her mother over the abortion, the mother had recommended that she move on and start seeing someone else. I had heard of this revelation mere hours after she had begun seeing a guy who had abruptly broken up with his girlfriend to begin dating her. She seemed to truly love this guy and he seemed nice enough, though I was of the opinion that he was very condescending to her much of the time, as if he was doing her a favor by seeing her; though I was admittedly jealous and had convinced myself that I was imagining things. However, after a month, she had revealed to me that he had broken it off with her to date someone else, much like in the case of his previous girlfriend.

 

It was at this point that I wanted more than ever to tell her how I felt about her, but she was to move 3 hours away after the weekend and I felt that it would make things extremely awkward for her given the situation. A little over a week later, once she had moved and become settled, I was undergoing considerable mental and emotional anguish as I had never had the chance to make my true feelings for her known. In an effort to allievate myself of this mental and emotional anguish, I had decided that now would be the time. I would send her an email which could basically be described as me spilling my guts to her, telling her of every beautiful thought and feeling she inspired in me, while also telling her how proud I was of her for all she had overcome. However, once I had sent the email, I became riddled with thoughts of regret, knowing full well that I had put everything on the line and made myself extremely vulnerable. A day later, I noticed she had responded, and my hands began to shake and vibrate as I forced myself to click on the response; I have had girlfriends in the past, though I had never felt this way about anyone before, I couldn't bear the thought of being shot down or having my email taken as a joke. I clicked the response and my hand instinctively went over my eyes, I honestly felt stupid at the time and was thankful no one was watching. As I slowly removed my hand and peered at her response, I wasn't sure what to think. Her email had basically stated that she was thankful for my email and that she appreciated my thoughts and feelings toward her, but that she was seeing someone at the time. The email then quickly went off into a tangent about her enjoying her new life and that she hoped things were well with me jobwise.

 

After taking some time to digest what I had read, I had become angry, as I felt that my feelings were being discredited. I had then sent her another couple of messages over the next few weeks, asking her how things were going; though I recieved no response to either. However, less than a week ago, over a month after I had sent my follow up messages, she emails me again, out of the blue, and tells me that she is moving across the country on her own and is very excited about it, making no mention of what I had confessed to her, making me feel even further invalidated.

 

Her and I had been good friends for over a year. We could always joke and laugh about things, and engage in deep and personal conversation without fear of judgment. She would always playfully slap my shoulder and hug me tight after going days without seeing me, and I had always done whatever I could to support her through things, offering her whatever kind words and encouragement I could muster. It bothers me that she will be so far away and that I will never have the chance to show her how much I truly love her. It has gotten to the point where I have not been attracted to another woman since I fell for her, as I always unconsciously project the image of her onto other women; in all my life I have never met anyone like her and don't believe I ever will again. How can I begin a relationship with someone else if I constantly see her through them? I couldn't do that, as it wouldn't be fair to the other woman. I've been having a recurring dream consisting of her getting married to another man, and the thought of her at the alter telling another man how much he means to her while riding off with him into the sunset depresses me greatly, and I hate myself for thinking like this. With all that said though, I feel as if I'm being taken for granted and I would like to believe that I have some semblence of self respect left over. I apologize for the length of this post, so I will simply ask the fellow posters of this forum if I should simply break off contact with her. Is it truly worth staying in touch?

Edited September 3, 2014 by TrojanHorse

[Natsu21]

I apologize for the length of this post, so I will simply ask the fellow posters of this forum if I should simply break off contact with her. Is it truly worth staying in touch?

 

My opinion?

 

She made it clear she's not attracted to you. You further pursuing her under the guise of friendship is really sad. Please, for the sake of your sanity, quit the white knight syndrome, take the testes from her purse, and never contact this chick again until you are 100 percent sure that you don't have any feelings for her.

 

And even with that, from what you described about her, there are much better, more worthwhile women you don't have to "save" Yikes, reading this was a sight for sore-eyes.

-Natsu21.

Edited September 3, 2014 by Natsu21

[Natsu21]

Sorry to be so blunt, but if this is your first rodeo, then take my advice, from guy to guy:

 

NEVER STAY FRIENDS...with a girl you're interested in. Either make it clear that you are interested from the get go without being pushy, or if you still wanna stick around, do what I do and stop being so available, and pursue other options.

 

You'll be better off in the long run. Sorry but this was all painful to watch. I cringed more than once.

 

This song reminds me of you and your situation. It may work for Adam, but you're not Adam.

[TrojanHorse]

Sorry to be so blunt, but if this is your first rodeo, then take my advice, from guy to guy:

 

NEVER STAY FRIENDS...with a girl you're interested in. Either make it clear that you are interested from the get go without being pushy, or if you still wanna stick around, do what I do and stop being so available, and pursue other options.

 

You'll be better off in the long run. Sorry but this was all painful to watch. I cringed more than once.

 

This song reminds me of you and your situation. It may work for Adam, but you're not Adam.

 

 

Don't apologize for being blunt, I wanted honesty which is why I chose to ask impartial posters rather than mutual friends; and I know that this post made me come across like a whiny douche which is why I had reservations about posting it, believe me when I say that I'm not usually like this. I feel I should state a few things though, first being that I was never in prime position to tell her how I felt as I couldn't exactly do so while she was seeing someone else, and second, at this point I'm no longer pursuing her, I was simply inquiring as to whether it would be worth it to keep a friendship, as it may be better than nothing; though I suppose deep down I know that it isn't. Thanks again for your unbiased response.

[todreaminblue]

Its not being a whiney douche to fall in love and fall for someone you know.....in saying that ...

 

 

 

 

.she made her choice....for whatever reason she made it, she didnt choose you, it is probably going to be hard for you, but the dreaded no contact is the way for you to heal.......

 

 

 

i feel a closure email or letter wishing her well in her life but stating because of your feelings for her, you cannot continue a friendship with her any longer.......its honest and to the point.....this is not a ruse to get her to come to you...this is solely for your happiness in the future

 

 

its a way for you to heal and find someone who will appreciate all that you are....you are a caring person who deserves to be happy...the longer you stay in contact with her ....the longer the time will be that you will be unhappy and dissatisfied..i struggle lettign go of friendships.....but i have come to the conclusion lately.....that there has to eb a balance there for a friendship to continue....and i have let go of unbalanced friendships and what i feel is....relief.......so ...it isnt easy....but necessary sometimes to let go of those we care about....if that care is not reciprocated......it doesnt mean to be rude or discourteous ...but to simply wish them well and do what we need to do to heal....only then ...can happiness come our way.....let go by closure....no contact and heal.....it does get easier with time.....trust me.....deb

[Natsu21]

Don't apologize for being blunt, I wanted honesty which is why I chose to ask impartial posters rather than mutual friends; and I know that this post made me come across like a whiny douche which is why I had reservations about posting it, believe me when I say that I'm not usually like this. I feel I should state a few things though, first being that I was never in prime position to tell her how I felt as I couldn't exactly do so while she was seeing someone else, and second, at this point I'm no longer pursuing her, I was simply inquiring as to whether it would be worth it to keep a friendship, as it may be better than nothing; though I suppose deep down I know that it isn't. Thanks again for your unbiased response.

 

You're not a whiney douche for liking this girl, but sorry, I don't think she'll ever be interested in you.

 

She's already distant, I think it's best for you to just call this a day and move on.

[TrojanHorse]

Its not being a whiney douche to fall in love and fall for someone you know.....in saying that ...

 

 

 

 

.she made her choice....for whatever reason she made it, she didnt choose you, it is probably going to be hard for you, but the dreaded no contact is the way for you to heal.......

 

 

 

i feel a closure email or letter wishing her well in her life but stating because of your feelings for her, you cannot continue a friendship with her any longer.......its honest and to the point.....this is not a ruse to get her to come to you...this is solely for your happiness in the future

 

 

its a way for you to heal and find someone who will appreciate all that you are....you are a caring person who deserves to be happy...the longer you stay in contact with her ....the longer the time will be that you will be unhappy and dissatisfied..i struggle lettign go of friendships.....but i have come to the conclusion lately.....that there has to eb a balance there for a friendship to continue....and i have let go of unbalanced friendships and what i feel is....relief.......so ...it isnt easy....but necessary sometimes to let go of those we care about....if that care is not reciprocated......it doesnt mean to be rude or discourteous ...but to simply wish them well and do what we need to do to heal....only then ...can happiness come our way.....let go by closure....no contact and heal.....it does get easier with time.....trust me.....deb

 

 

 

Thanks for the kind words, and I actually did just send her a goodbye email, which was hard, but as has been stated, it's for the best, especially with this move. I'm glad I started this thread; it's really brought me back to my senses.