More than friends??? Is it fixable?

[lostfriend]

Hello,

 

This might seem like a long text. I'll try my best to summarize.

 

I've been with my current bf for 17 years and we're still kind of young. We've been living together for almost 10 years. For the past year, we've been hitting a really rough patch.

 

In 2012 i changed job. I found a job where I am really happy and very accomplished. When I started, i didn't get to know my boss before 2 weeks. The first time I really got to know him was when we had to leave for a work roadtrip. We were out of town for 3 nights. For some reason, we bounded very very fast. He told me about his pas personal life, his current life, etc. He's almost my age. He has a son, separated, etc. I told him a lot about my personal life. And even there, we started to talk about intimate subjects... From there, our relation grew very close. I went on vacation by myself a few months after I started and we texted all that time. I even shopped for him while i was away. We kept having road trips. And each time, we would spend time together until the wee hours of the night. He would come in my room or I would go to his. We would drink and talk. Then we started doing activities on the road. Movies, outings, etc. We would even text at night cause I had told him to watch a series that I loved and he started to watch and fell in love with it. We would text about the episodes while we were watching it. Back massage at the office, always giving me compliments. Lunches together, etc.Even when we were in town, he would always try to do activities with me. He introduced me to his friends, his son... etc. Our connection was very deep. My nickname at the office (for laughing purposes) his little princess and neurotic. One day, while driving back from a business trip, we were talking about my bf and I how things weren't going well. And I was asking him what he was looking for in a girl. And at one point he looked at me and said: i would be ready to settle with a girl that's a little neurotic and princess. I looked at him and then he told me: you know, after the number of years you've been with your bf, usually when a girl wants out, it's because their might be someone else. I looked at him and told him: listen, I am not stupid. Even if there were someone else, i know that that person wouldn't be interested to jump into something with me cause he could be scared of being a rebound. And I would also need time after 17 years to figure out stuff. He kept insisting. So I told him: if a girl in my situation, would come up to you and reveal her feelings how would you react. He told me: you know my past. I couldn't sleep with a girl who has a bf, I couldn't date a girl just out of a relationship because my ex did that to me. She left me for someone else. THAT girl would have to be alone for a while. Prior to this, my friend had started saying that there was something more to our friendship. And after that discussion my friends told me that he was sending me a msg saying that he was interested but he wanted me to figure my life out and then see where it leads. Then one evening we had a huge industry party. That night we drank so much.... and we talked so much. At one point, I told him : is there more to our friendship? And at that moment, all kinds of emotions came up across his face. Confusion, anger, sadness, happiness, everything. He looked at me and said: why would you ask when you know my convictions? As your situation changed? And I just said: just speak your feelings and never mind your convictions. You are too proud...and pig headed. If the answer is no, I will still be your friend. Nothing will change. If you're afraid of saying no because it might make me stay in my current relationship and you think that for my good i should get out, don't worry that won't happen either. I am not stupid. So he told me: have I given you signs? And I said to him: Really? I am not going into that. Then he said: you want your answer well it's no. And when he said that he looked so mad. I sat down. He came to me and said: are you ok? (but then he looked so confused). I told him: yeah give me a few minutes. I think i am drunk. I don't know why i said that. I am so confused about my boyfriend and what I should do, that I think that I was trying to find myself a way out cause I am scare of leaving. And if I had you as an excuse it would be easier. I can't say I love you. I can't say I wanna be with you. I think I am just trying to find a life buoy. He got up and isolated himself from the crowd. I just kept on partying with my friends. So at one point, when I saw him by himself, drinking and watching me from a distance, I went to him, put a hand on his shoulder and told him that nothing had change on my side. He was still my friend and i would always be there for him. He took me in his arm and held me so close to him that i could barely breath. We went to the bar and started drinking more. He looked at me and said: listen, my life sucks so much lately. When I come in the office in the morning and I see you, you light my world. You make me smile. You're the only thing good in my life. I could bear losing that. I don'T know what would happen. Our friendship is so, so. ... So I said: intense? He said: yes... All that time girls would try to come up to him and talk and he would just turn them around very aggressively. I asked him: have you ever thought of us as more than friend?Or even in a sexual way? He said: Don't play stupid. You're not. You know the answer. You feel the answer. It's just that if we were to do that, and it wen't to hell, what would happen after that??? I don't want to lose what we have. It's very very though on me. So we both started looking at each other and just drank the night away. He took me by the waist and just lead me to a couch. He would grab my hands, my neck and just always touch me. When we sat down, we were almost on each other. I rested my head on his shoulder and he rested his over mine. All the while, grabbing my thighs. A few friends of mine saw us. WHen I went to the restroom, they called on me and said: what IS GOING ON with you two? Are you an item? I told them know. We were having a really nice but weird moment. By then, he looked worried cause he was waiting for me outside the restrooms. After that evening, we never spoke of it. And we just drew closer... He kept inviting me over to his place. One night I went to drop something and it was just suppose to be in and out. But I had a huge fight with my bf so I stayed at his place until 1:30 a.m. drinking wine and talking. I would go more often to his place. And on weekends, even though he knew I was with my bf he would invite me. Then in july, after a huge fight, I moved out of my house. Went to live at a friend's place. Him, he would tell me that I could come and live at his place... which obviously, said no thank you...him being my boss. We spent the whole summer together, and even fall. More business trip. By then, instead of having our rooms we started renting studios with two rooms in it. People would see us and think we were together. In a store, a woman said: you are so cute together. I dream of having that kind of relationship. You fit together. You are so connected. Even clients would ask the question. Never would he deny or say no... Even at a colleague's wedding the priest thought we were together and that it was our son... That night I slept over. Nothing happened. Then at our Christmas party, I was fired up. A colleague of mine from another branch started flirting with me.... He kept texting me to get out of there.... but I didn't give much attention to it cause we had drank and we were friends. The flirter was coming on strongly. After a while, got bored. Went to the bar where my boss was and he looked depressed. We started talking and talking and drinking and drinking. We were in a deep convo. I kept telling him that brighter days were coming at work. Everything was falling into place. That now, all that would remain would be his love life. And that one day, one lady would be lucky enough to still him away. That he was a really gorgeous man, etc. He told me to stop saying that cause I was hurting him... He also said: i love you so much...So I said to him that I was trying to cheer him up. That he's a good man. He took me by the waist, pulled me against him and started kissing my forehead. I thought he was sad cause there's a girl there that he slept once or twice with and I knew he liked her... So I said: is she the one? He laughed and said NO. I said then who is it? ANd he said: i can't tell you. And anyways, it wouldn't workout. I was angry. I told him: since when do hide stuff from each other? And he told me: i can't tell you. At the end of the evening I left with a colleague of mine to go back to my hotel. And my boss and I had adjoining rooms with a connecting door. He was suppose to come back with us but he didn't. He stayed. Next morning, I left a note under the door saying I'd be at the airport. Didn't want to disturb him (i thought he had brought back the girl to his room)... At the airport, something was off.... He then asked: did you bring back your dude? I said: NO. I am not like that. And he said: I didnt either. We had 2 hours of road after the plane. So I said: you told me that we would talk about the ONE. Who is she? He said: never mind. we were drunk and when we are drunk we say silly stuff. I dont know what that was about.... Then during xmas holidays he asked me a few times to go shopping with him. I selected all his clothing... And expensive one. A few weeks prior we had also done that... And we even went for a day at the spa. Yeah, in November i had moved back in my house and I was trying to work things out with my bf. But we weren't officially an item. Then after xmas, I said to my boss that i was back with my bf. Not easy but it was a start. He invited me over to a party at his place a few weeks after which I couldn't attend. Til this day, he still puts it back in my face. One night while we were working, he told me: you know that you are very important to me. You know that you are my most important friend. i told him : yeah I don't feel it anymore. I feel neglected. He looked at me and said: listen, give it sometime to comeback. Time arranges things. Time fixes things. In my mind, he spoke about the fact that he had a huge promotion and he works day in and out. Some of my friends says that no, he means the fact that I chose my bf over him...

 

Last night, we came back from an event. We had a two hour drive. He undid the buttons of his shirt and I gave him a shoulder massage and a back massage, we had fun, we talked for hours, laughed, shared so many intimate details and stories... But still, I feel like nothing is as it was....

 

Is this more than a friendship? And how can I make it like before?

Edited April 12, 2014 by lostfriend

[preraph]

You can't go backwards. Yes, this is more than a friendship. I think he's been just about as straightforward and even honorable with you as any man could be. Basically, you are being selfish because you seem to want a total commitment from him before you will even make a move about leaving your boyfriend. His good morals make that unsavory to him. He has told you so. His only real hesitation about you is that you get in this deep with him while supposedly in a committed relationship with your boyfriend.

 

He quite rightly has said that you need to get out on your own, with no life buoy, and find out who you are. You cannot become your whole self without disentangling from relationship that define you and seeing what's left and then living with yourself for at least a year or two and mature and grow. You need to find your individuality. Right now, because you have been with this boyfriend for so many years, you are really insecure about being alone because you never have been. Being alone is a really exciting thing. You will never be a secure person until you prove to yourself that you can live alone, support yourself, and be happy on your own. Once you do that, that gives you power because if you do make a misstep in a relationship and it ends, you won't have fear. It gives you power so you won't stay in a bad relationship.

 

Now is the perfect time for you to strike out on your own, get your own place, be under no one's influence, and see who you are, now while you have a good job and can do it financially. Your boss recognizes this in you. Not sure he'll be patient enough to actually give you time for that once you're broken up though because I can imagine he's pretty strung out already.

 

You need to stop asking him for promises he can't make to a woman who is still staying in a long-term relationship. The more you do this, the less respect he will have for you because he is not like that.

[lostfriend]

Thank you for the insight. I needed a POV since woman we are so great at seeing more then what they're actually is. We always find a way to interpret things and making a fairytale out of nothing.

 

I am actually worried that we lost our friendship wether I leave my bf or not. He's really important to me. Was he ever my friend? If so, then shouldn't he be like he was with me?

 

As for me leaving my bf i dont think its fear. I know i am very intelligent and independant. I have a wonderful financial situation and I know i'd be more than ok. I am actually almost excited at thought of being on my own. I travelled a lot and love it. So i would do it more often on my own.

 

Thank you for your reply and gives me a lot to think about!!!