Friends (again) HELP ME PLEASE!

[Tuskey]

I need some help.

 

10 years ago I fell in love with a married woman. Both her and her husband were friends of my wife and me. Our relationship was the closer of the two couples and when not out as a foursome, we two used to ring each other a number of times in the week. I heavily suspect the feelings were mutual but they were never spoken about. I didn’t want to ruin the friendship side of our relationship by telling her how I felt.

 

A job offer far away came up for my wife and me and we moved away. I guess that I was really hoping that by moving it would crystallise the issue and she would tell me how she felt. Failing that, if she didn’t feel the same way, then I needed to move away to get over her and be fair to my wife. She didn’t tell me. I didn’t tell her. We moved away. We continued to speak every few days by phone and she and hubby came to visit us once. I was devastated at knowing I had made the wrong decision and knew that I just had to tell her about my feelings.

 

8 months later at her and her husband’s new house party, I told her how I felt while we were on our own. It ended up in a fight between us with her saying to me “It was you who made the big decision to move away”. I have always felt that this meant that she felt something for me. No one heard the argument and my wife and I left the next morning. No one could tell we had argued. We were friendly and discreet.

 

A couple of days later when I rang she said that we had to stop contacting each other. I tried to persuade her that I wanted to keep our friendship as I valued it more than anything, but she was having none of it. A few times later when I rang after the dust settled, she would just hang up the phone when she heard my voice. We lost contact then and it took me a very long time to get over her. I did though. I told my wife the truth about what had happened as she had begun to ask why we had lost contact with her and her husband. My wife was very understanding and we moved forward together.

 

After five years, the job had finished and we moved back to our original location and home.

 

Two years ago I came across this woman again (coincidentally by telephone - we are both in the same profession) and we spoke, there was no awkwardness and we actually slipped right back into a friendship straight away. We agreed we would not speak about the past, except that she told me that she had also told her husband about what had happened. Clearly we could not go out in a foursome again! She now has two children.

 

Over time, I made the odd phone call and sent the odd email to stay in touch and although I was over her and did not have those feelings for her then, she was very special to me. She is a lot of fun and I wanted to keep the friendship alive (having lost it the first time around). As time went on, more recently she dropped heavy hints that she wanted to increase our contact to weekly and I started to call her and email every week. That was a mistake I know. My wife doesn’t know about this and I suspect that her husband doesn’t know either. I know that this is not fair to either of them.

 

Trouble is, I am now starting to have those feelings for her again. I am calling her and emailing her, but she hardly ever calls me in return and tends only sometimes to reply to my emails. When I call, we get on great and it’s just like old times again. But each time, it’s down to me to make contact; she last rang me many months ago. She says, “ It’s great to hear from you” etc etc, and remembers the smallest detail from the past, so she seems to be making all the right noises.

 

I’ve suggested meeting up for a drink as friends a few times but she always finds an excuse not to go. I dare not tell her how I feel again in case there is a repeat performance of our break up. In fact, I’ve gone out of my way to make it clear that we are just friends, nothing else, just in case she suspects something. I will never tell her how I feel.

 

Can someone help me to decide how to tackle this? She wants the contact but is not willing to pick up the phone to ring me. Does anyone have any idea why that might be? Is she using me? How should I deal with all of this? What should I do about my feelings? I don’t want to lose the friendship again. Does anyone think she feels the same but doesn’t want to get hurt? Please help me!!!

 

Thanks all

[Bill]

You have a wife.

You have put your wife second to this other woman, whether you realize it or not.

 

You do realize that outgoing calls are logged on your phone bill. Incoming calls can easily be erased from caller id. I feel sorry for what your wife is going through, and what you are putting her through. It sounds to me like you don't even love your wife! If you did, you would not want to start a relationship with this other women. It sounds like you want more than friends. I bet if she left her husband, you'd leave your wife for her!

 

Think about all of this. What are you doing to your wife!?!?

[velvet]

It's obvious you have no respect for your wife or your friends husband! What you do have for wife has been taken for granted and love that has grown unexciting.

 

What you feel now for this so called friend is excitement of wondering, waiting, anticipating. Thrilling?

 

You need for things to be clear. After all these years! You and your friend need a serious talk. NO more BS! If she is throwing subtle hints that she is interested ask her just how much shes interested. Can the two of you be friends or are you teasing each other?

 

For peace of mind get things straight. If not for yourself than do it for your wife. At least let her get on with her life.

[Nuillo]

1. Can someone help me to decide how to tackle this?

Help you deny your feelings? Help you deceive yourself, your wife and her? I don't think so!

 

2. She wants the contact but is not willing to pick up the phone to ring me. Does anyone have any idea why that might be?

She accepts your calls but does not call you. She accepts your emails but replies infrequently. It doesn't sound like she really cares whether you contact her or not.

 

3. Is she using me?

She is not using you. At best, you are allowing yourself to be used.

 

4. How should I deal with all of this?

Please see my answer to #1 and #5.

 

5. What should I do about my feelings? Accept them! Acknowledge them! You can change how you react or respond to your feelings but you can't directly change your feelings. The only way I know of to change how you feel is to change how you think.

 

6. I don’t want to lose the friendship again. Does anyone think she feels the same but doesn’t want to get hurt?

There is know way for you or anyone else to know how she feels unless she tells you. The only clues you have as to how she feels is to look at how she acts. Not calling you and only rarely responding to your emails indicates she is not very interested. Sorry.

[aquarius]

What are you doing? Keeping your wife around just in case? What did you plan to do if this woman returned your feelings? Get a divorce?

 

If you don't want to be in a relationship with your wife, then get a divorce or counseling. Stop trying to break up this family. This woman was smart to tell you not to contact her. You obviously can't be friends. Whenever you have prolonged contact your feelings return.

 

If this woman has feelings for you, then you will leave your wife? So, what is your wife? Second best? You need to stop contacting this woman. You are not friends and you want more than friendship from her. I think this woman is trying to respect her husband and family. She doesn't want to lead you on so she keeps her distance. Leave her alone.

 

What about this woman do you find so attractive? Perhaps you and your wife could work on enhancing these same things in your relationship. End your current relationship before starting another.

[Angel]

I will in no way aid and "abed"a cheater. You know that by the calls, emails, and contact you are headed into a cheating situation. Some people have character, I suggest you look at people that have a good a strong marriage and try to pick up those qualities instead of obsessing over a married woman. Think of the qualities that your wife has and obsess over them---

 

Just some random thoughts.

[Tuskey]

Thanks all.

 

I was hoping for some help and some practical assistance from this "Advice Center".

 

I didn't think that all you would be prepared to do was to sit in judgement of me.

 

Ah well, just goes to show that there's no such thing as a free lunch!

[Tuskey]

Thanks all.

 

I was hoping for some help and some practical assistance from this "Advice Center".

 

I didn't think that all you would be prepared to do was to sit in judgement of me.

 

Ah well, just goes to show that there's no such thing as a free lunch!

[quankanne]

if you're looking for someone to condone your actions, you're looking in the wrong place. To be honest though, we are giving you some practical help: ditch your wife and make a clean break before you take up with another woman, or give up this daydream you're having about your friend, and put that energy into your marriage.

 

As for the woman in question, my guess that by not initiating any contact with you, yet politely responding to your calls, she's trying very hard to make her marriage work and not give in to a fantasy she once weaved around you.

[midori]

I'm not sure what you came here hoping to hear. I think that the people who have replied to you have been spot on, although maybe they were coming at you from an unexpected angle that's a little difficult for you to take in.

 

But think about it: based on what you've written, you seem to think that you are (or should be) the center of this woman's world. You're not, she has made that very very clear. It seems to me that you are taking the little bits of friendly attention she has paid you and blowing them out of proportion. The other possibility is that she is very cruel and manipulative, getting you interested in her again and giving you just enough encouragement to nurture your unfounded hopes. If that's what she's doing, why on earth would you want to be with her?

 

But what I really don't get is this: why are you deliberately seeking out angst? I'm not even going to address the disrespect you're showing your wife and your marriage; others have already done so very eloquently. But what's up with the angst? If you don't love your wife, divorce her. If you're madly in love with this woman, profess your love and ask her to be with you, accepting the (likely) consequence that you will be rejected and the friendship terminated. Why are you tormenting yourself like this?

 

I highly highly recommend reading "The Sorrows of Young Werther," a classic novel written by Goethe that influenced Freud, Jung, Erikson and many many others who went on to develop theories of adolescence and identity. Werther was a young man who devoted himself to a woman who was first betrothed and then married to another man. Werther was full of love for this woman -- or what he thought was love -- but in reality it was simply self-aggrandizing selfishness and a fear of owning up to his own responsibilities. So long as he was tormented by love (and since he was in love with an unattainable woman, he was bound to be tormented) he didn't have to deal with his own life, he could allow himself to be consumed with an imaginary relationship. He was, in short, a foolish boor, and ultimately a bore. He wasted his intelligence and ability by pouring his energies into loving a woman who didn't want his love. He tormented not only himself but her and her husband as well (she was too kind to tell him to take a hike, but never allowed him to touch her). Sound familiar?

[Ally Boo]

We say what we feel is the truth. That's what advice is. If you wanted us to give you more Bull Sh*t to continue to fool yourself, you went to the wrong place....maybe you should consider getting a friend with no backbone to talk to and they'll agree with whatever you say...wait that just might be your wife...better not tell her...

 

You seem very spoiled and without respect for yourself or others. There are too many things you should do to work on yourself to even list. I don't have the energy or desire to. You won't listen anyway because it's not what you WANT to hear so how about this....

 

TELL HER HOW YOU FEEL, TELL YOUR WIFE HOW YOU FEEL, AND THEN LIVE A LIFE ALONE....OR BETTER YET....WHY DONT YOU DEVELOP FEELINGS FOR HER HUSBAND....THAT WAY YOU CAN SAY YOU'VE MADE THE FULL CIRCLE. Ugh