Want to be more than just friends

[goku5006]

i've been friends now with this girl for 4 years. We've actually known each other for 6 but there was a 2 year gap in the middle where we really were apart but now we are good friends. We've worked together at a restaurant when the friendship started all over again but at that time I thought she was the most beautiful girl in world, still do. I wanted to ask her out and be more than friends but I was too scared to approach her b/c i was afraid that i wasn't the b/f type. Well my friend working there hooked up with her and then they started going out. For the next couple months i'm basically heart broken about this but I get over it when i meet a girl. For the next couple months i'm happy with my g/f and i'm still good friends with the girl. I actually met that girlfriend through her and this is another reason why i haven't approached her yet also. Well, a couple months later i break up with my g/f and my friend breaks up with her b/f but for the next couple years i'm still sitting there wanting her while i hear her telling me about her problems and stuff with b/f. Basically i'm still being her good friend but almost a year ago her and my brother hooked it up. This was a little wierd but I can look past the fact that she slept with him. Don't know how i can do this but I like her so much that it really doesn't bother me. That right there is the whole story in a nut shell. I might have left out some minute detail but that's basically it.

 

Lately we've been hanging out, just us two. The cause of this is lack of other friends because they have all gone home for the summer while we're on campus still or the others are working. The time we spend together is great. I really value her as a friend but I want it to be so much more than that. I actually want to be her b/f and for her to be my g/f but I'm scared that if i open my mouth and actually say something then something may go wrong like make the friendship go bad. Some of the factors from the previous paragraph probably play an important factor in this. If any of you could possibly let me know what would be the best option right now. Do I go ahead and let her know how I feel about her and she if she might possibly want to pursue into a relationship or do i just keep my mouth shut and watch some other guy try to be her b/f? Thanks in advance for those that do help.

[Tony T]

It's deception and fraud to pal around with somebody as a friend when you want a lot more. It's also extremely cruel to yourself. Why would you want to put yourself through the headstuff you've been doing.

 

Have a talk with her, let her know how you feel, and see if you can upgrade things. If she's not up to that, stay away from her. There is nothing to be gained by you being around while she's talking about screwing other guys and such. It simply isn't being nice to yourself...it's bad enough that others cause us pain but to do it to ourselves is totally insane.

 

It sounds like she's a pretty decent lady and she might just be open to a relationship but the only way you'll ever know is to talk to her. If you chicken out on doing that, just break away from her and seek real friendship elsewhere.

 

Right now, you are not a good friend to her because you have feelings and an agenda which she is unaware of. If you can't be a good friend to her and you can't date her, get away from her and be honest with yourself and with the world.

[Krelian]

Frankly speaking, I can't offer any useful advice. I think the advice given by Tony is very valid and down-to-earth. It's practical. Unfortunately people who are in such relationship dilemmas may not find it them easy options to execute. Like you, I have a similar problem. I know this girl from my industrial attachment for 6 months. Half way through the attachment, I realise I have developed feelings towards her, feelings that are more than just platonic friendship type. At that time, I was confused because I couldn't be sure that it's infatuation (as a result of facing each other every day) or otherwise. As a result, I held back my feelings for her. I never told her I liked her during all that while. I wanted to be sure of my feelings before I said those words because I never want to go into a relationship without committment. The weeks after my industrial attachment was a good time for me to think things through.

 

At this point, I'm very sure that my feelings for her are not due to infatuation. However, I have difficulty expressing my feelings to her because I lack the courage. I want to tell her but am in turn worried that the relationship may turn sour should she reject me. I understand it's not plain friendship that I want, so actually the situation is very simple. Either tell her directly or give up totally. Do not be caught in such an emotional roller coaster. Over time, it will have a negative psychological effect on the mind and body. I have only one piece of advice to those who think their chances of being rejected is higher: The anticipation of rejection is worst than the rejection itself.

 

But then at the end of the day, it's always easier said than done.

[Ally Boo]

I guess everyone is different. But um, I couldn't even be with someone who has slept with someone that my brother has slept with. Its...just too weird for me. But that's just ME. I agree with Tony, you aren't being a true friend if you don't tell her. Just bite the bullet, and you may find that even if the feelings aren't returned, you can move on. Hey that happened to me one time, I was crazy about this guy for like 2 years, I finally told him how I felt, and he didn't feel the same way, and its like...I didn't even care. I dunno, I guess I was just so USED to thinking about him like that, that once I got it out, I was ok. I didn't even cry...and I'm a crier. LOL It will be SOO hard, but you will feel 100000% better, I promise!!

[jill]

I have so been where you are.

 

You need to tell her. You have are my *Brandon*. We wne though the exact same thing, exect only waited 5 years not 6. I am sure that you guys have had a lot of heart to hearts and you need to just tell her.

 

My guy and I were friend for 5years, we watched each other go out with people and wlaked each other through broken hearts and are now truely in lov ewiht each other becuase who can know you more than your friend for 6 years!

 

Belive me, just tell her. "Start by reminising about when you guys met and the memories you guys have shared together (all good stuff...make her laugh). Talk about all of the stuff that you guys have gone though together and how your friendship seemed to survive anything. Start getting into a more serious tone. Talk about when you guys really started getting to know eachother as friends. Tell her you had a crush on her at first...what was her reaction...Did she not say anything? Did she say she had on on you too? Then you know there is a chance for there still to be one. And slowly work our way into the topic of you having feelings for her. "

 

Let me know. Good luck.

 

jill

[velvet]

Every r/s, f/s and person are different. We cant say that if you start dating her that you wont ever get your f/s back if the r/s doesn't work out. We cannot say she will agree to date you when you ask. We cannot say that you would get along great together in a r/s either.

 

 

I know people that have gone from friends to lovers and than back to friends again. Than their is my situation where we went from friends to lovers, unable to go back to friends without the lovemaking getting in the way. Our r/s never works like it should, but the attractions and infatuation and I love you's are always there. **Soul Stars** is my label for us.

 

Two years is a long time to feel this way toward her. You need to make your move. How? Get as much time alone with her as possible. Go out and have allot of fun together. Don't let her get involved in another r/s before you make your move.

 

Don't tell her you have felt this way for two years. Not in the beginning.