[tricia2006]

I have been dating a great guy since April 2006...I am completely in love with him in every way...as he is me...Here's the situation...He is in the military...he is posted out of town and is only home on the weekends...He has an ex-wife that has lived in germany with their child since 2001..the child is 8....the ex-wife is coming back to Canada to settle permanently with their child...after much work with immigration by my boyfriend...part of the deal to get her back here is that he has to in a way"sponsor" her...which he is doing...found her a job, has allowed her to live in his house until she is able to support herself and her child when the child is not with him...

he has also agreed to support her financially temporarily and give her a car to use on the short-term...all of these things I find commendable on his part and have an enormous amount of respect for his committment to bringing his daughter home...however...this is the sore spot for me and almost led to our break-up over the weekend...I have been staying at his home and he mine on weekends and spare time...we have been sharing his room in his house...doing what couples normally do...for quite awhile...he just informed me that because he will be out of town all the time except for the weekends, that he will be giving up his room for the
I have a problem with her sleeping in his bed and his room...I guess it's a ex-wife to take over while she's in his house, which BTW could be up to a year...he will be slleping on an old bed in the basement...
territorial thing...I feel that it is innapropriate...and it really bugs me...If he is serious about me...shouldn't he show more respect for me by setting more boundaries with her...He says it's just a room...I disagree...It's his room and she is not a normal guest...I am confused...I love this guy...I know there is nothing betwen him and his ex at all...so why is this bugging me so much....advice please...Is it a big deal or should I leave it alone?

[riobikini]

re:

tricia2006:

" If he is serious about me...shouldn't he show more respect for me by setting more boundaries with her...she is not a normal guest...I know there is nothing betwen him and his ex ...so why is this bugging me ..."

So what boundaries do you see fit to set here with this situation? Should he send his guest -any guest- to the basement?

It sounds to me as if he's not only a good host, he's a teriffic guy too, in light of all he is trying to do: he's helping his ex (the mother of his child) for a time, in order to improve the life of his daughter.

I can only applaude that act of kindness.

I think you are, perhaps, more piqued by the fact that the bed the ex-wife will be sleeping in, is the same bed you also shared with him as your lover. And secondly -but just as importantly- you might feel as if he's placing her in a higher-ranking position than you, thus your feeling that he is 'disrespecting' you.

So it stands to reason (if you give it deeper thought) why you can't seem to just let it go.

It's both a territorial, and a sort of 'pecking-order' issue for you.

For lots of folks (men and women, alike) the place where you sleep together is considered somewhat 'sacred', and as for your 'rank' -it's established by who's 'favorite' you happened to be.

To help get you past this, try to focus on the exact same goal that your boyfriend is focused on: helping the ex-wife to become able to financially support herself and her daughter.

Keeping in mind the *purpose* for these circumstances should, at least, help some in alleviating the territorial feelings.

Practice it when you feel the wrong emotions coming on.

Hope this helps.

Take care.

-Rio

[Flicker]

In practical terms, is there anywhere else she could sleep? Where is his daughter going to sleep?
It really is nice of him to give up his room for such a long time. Perhaps you could suggest changing the decoration and furniture in his room so that it looks and feels more like a guest room. Put his stuff in storage (or at your house?!) until she leaves.