It feels sad and good at the same time to be back on this forum.
Sad because it means I am going through difficult times.
Good because I'm interested in having a lot of opinions about my case and I know I will.
I've dated my last gf for 2 years. I'm older by 9 years. I'm 33 and she's 24.
I've tried to commit but we both realise I wasn't totally financially capable of getting my own house (at least not the house she wanted) and having a wedding (at least the wedding she wanted). Still, every now and then she used to ask "when are we getting engaged" and say things like "I can't imagine laying my head on someone else's shoulder" or "I want to have your child".
So far so good... She graduated 7 months ago and couldn't find a decent job. I have a steady respectable job.
3 weeks ago she decided to travel after being accepted in a multi-national company abroad.
And so the day came and she traveled 3 weeks ago.
2 weeks after she travels. I decided to find a job in the same country where she is (because I'm not so happy at my job anyway although it's a respectable one). So I called her and surprised her by proposing. At first she hesitates a bit and then she accepts (she knows it doesn't mean she has to come back because I'm looking for a job there).
Last week we were chatting on MSN and she was all mushy saying things like "I love you and I feel I'm ready to be yours".
On Thursday I msged her but she didn't reply. So I called her 3 hours later as I was worried (since she's abroad and alone). There was no answer.
I called againabout 1/2 hour later... still no answer.
Then about 1 hour later she calls me and talks to me in a very cold manner.
She says "I cannot log on to MSN because I'm going out with my collegues at work and they're picking me up in 1/2 hour".
So I said "Ok enjoy your time"
She goes ( in a very ironical tone of voice): Of course I will !
Comes Friday (yesterday). I don't contact her all day long (usually I send her msgs to wish her a good day at work and give her some courage).
She logs on the MSN at night and she msgs me to tell me she's not ready to get engaged... she's too young and she wants to make money, go clubbing, have fun, travel... and she wants no obstacles to keep her from doing this.
Then she said "You are not the obstacle as a person... but the idea of being married for me is the obstacle because I won't be able to do all that".
She then said she was too tired as she woke up at 4:00 am and her vision was all blurry. She said she had to go but she asked me to call her.
So I said "I'll call as I consider the decision taken tonight to be final". And I called (international call) to tell her that I cannot go on in a relationship like this... where one week she says she is ready to be mine and the next week she says she needs to be free.
I also told her that she shouldn't have accepted to get engaged to me last week when she wasn't sure about it. And I said "The way I see it, we are now both free to date other ppl and do what we want with our lives. I was ready to make a lot of sacrifices like working abroad just so that we can be together... apparently you don't see that so don't be surprised if I totally disappear from your life once we hang up tonight."
We hung up.
Today, while I was at work, I got an international call on my work number/extension.
She said "Hi, what exactly happened yesterday ?"
I said "You know what happened. When a man tells you he wants to get engaged you can't play with him by saying yes and changing your mind without any valid reason. You know what ? Just do what you want and I'll be living my life as I see fit".
She said "can't you just give me some time to think about it ?"
I said "no, I cannot sit and wait for you to decide after you had accepted to get engaged last week. I'm not a toy."
So we both said bye and hung up.
Now to the conclusion: I have decided not to answer any of her means to get in touch with me.
I did the mistake of taking her back many times in the past after we broke up and look at the result ! I have lost my credibility !
Besides I don't think she ever felt she lost me !
Some might say, she is going out with another guy ... but she said she wasn't yesterday.
Do you think I should totally ignore her ? If yes for how long ? When do I decide it's time to answer her calls (if she starts calling again) ?
What's your take on this ? I'm always open to people's opinions and advice.
__________________
"Compliment the un-attractive ones because they aren't used to it and it will build their egos and make them feel good. They will love you for it. Conversely, snub, insult, or worse yet ignore the very attractive ones because they aren't accustomed to it and their well-entrenched self confidence will be shaken, driving them to pursue you. They will feel that only by scoring with you can their self confidence be restored."
Lost Girl Next Door and you can still do it. Shut down all contact with you ex.
I took my decision after being fed up of having spent two years in a relationship with a woman who constantly changes her mind.
I mean she would tell me one thing and the next day she would say the exact opposite.
And when I ask her: "Why did you say this last night and now you're saying something else" she would answer "I just felt it last night".
I mean come on ! How can anyone switch decisions overnight without a valid given reason ?
I only see one explanation to it: She's crazy. And I told her that during our chat yesterday.
I also told her that she's selfish for thinking about "her" all the time when I was ready to sacrifice a lot of things in my life (like my job and my friends) just to go work and live where she traveled 3 weeks ago.
Right now I have no idea if she'll call again after I was cold and distant today on the phone. But if she does, I'm not answering.
Perhaps I'll answer to see what she wants when her calls succeed each other at smaller and smaller time intervals.
Maybe you should not answer if she calls too. I am thinking that when we continue to answer their calls, we are only leading ourselves back into hell. When I talk to mine, I get that awful feeling in the pit of my stomach and I know why. It is bile - probably how I feel about him now. And it has been almost 2 weeks since I have talked to him on the phone and i am proud.
I mean, come on. The right for you wouldn't always change her mind about you. You either love someone and want to be with them or you don't. It is all of this "in between" crap that makes me not want to ever date again. Is it so hard for someone to just want to be with someone? I mean other people seem to get it. They have families, babies, and etc. and stay with each other for years.
Why do some of us met the selfish idiots out there and fall in love? when is it our turn to have someone appreciate us? when is it our turn to have someone jump at the chance to be with us in this lifetime? is it so wrong for us to want that?
I think you stated your position very clearly. She is not ready to commit and she is also a flake. You are to mature for her so let her go and find a gal on the same page as yourself.
24 is REALLY young. When I was 24 I wasn't ready to get married. To be honest with you- I don't necessarily think she's a flake... I think she is still at that stage in life where she is figuring out who she is in relation to the world around her. You said she just graduated? Just started her first professional job? Okay, this is the first real step in entering real adulthood. Perhaps adding marriage to that equasion freaked her out because she is still trying to figure out what the hell is happening in regards to the new job, change of country, etc. Then the possibility of getting married on top of everything else? It may have just been a bit overwhelming.
Do you honestly want to marry this girl? Did you make that decision out of sadness because she moved so many miles away? If you do want to be with her, my suggestion is to have a heart to heart. I think you are feeling rejected right now (rightfully so), and perhaps your judgement is a little clouded by the rejection. Maybe you need to take a step back and figure out what you really want. Why did you decide you wanted to marry this girl AFTER she left? Why not before? You should probably ask yourself those questions.
The bottom line is, if you love her and truly do want to be with her, then you have to respect that she is feeling unsure and unfortunately, you might have to swallow your pride a bit and wait. It sounds like you caught her off gaurd by the proposal? She may even feel confused by your motives- you waited until she was gone before deciding to you wanted to marry her.
Just giving you a different perspective here.
I don't know, if you really love her, I'd talk to her at length about this....not ignore her until after you have that talk. You should only apply no contact if you are willing to chance losing her for good.
What do you think?
Dee
Last edited by D-Lish; 22nd September 2006 at 10:43 PM..
Reason: spelling error!
I think what you are saying (especially that it's coming from a woman) makes a lot of sense to how a 24 year old woman would react.
In fact I had the same idea. I thought to myself: "You should talk to her one last time as this whole idea of proposal (especially after she traveled) might have freaked her out since she's in a new country and she's just starting on her job)".
I think you're right. I should give it one last attempt to explain all the things you mentioned in your reply before I cut all contact.
But I won't have time to do that on the phone (since international calls cost too much around here).
I'm thinking of sending her an email today.
Yamaha, thx for the reply. I think I'll be certain if she's a flake after I send her this last email.
LGND, hang in there. Sometimes you meet the wrong people but they prepare you to recognize and appreciate the right ones when they come along.
All right, I decided to send her one last email before cutting all forms of contact.
Here's what it basically said (D-Lish don't be surprised if I used your own words. I wanted to try including a woman's perspective in my answer. It seems that approach surprised her quite a bit as you will read in her reply).
Quote:
So you asked on the phone "what really happened yesterday ?"
To be honest with you I think you're at that stage in life where you're
figuring out who you are in relation to the world around you.
You recently graduated, just started your first professional job. This is the
first real step in entering real adulthood (I've been there not so long ago).
Perhaps adding marriage to that equation freaked you out because you are still trying to figure out what the hell is happening in regards to your new job,
change of country, etc...
Then the possibility of getting married on top of everything else? I think it
may have just been a bit overwhelming.
It sounds like I caught you off guard with my proposal.
You may even feel confused by my motives: I waited until you were gone before deciding to propose.
I do not see why a married woman cannot go out clubbing with her husband,
travel, have fun and make money.
Do you honestly think I wanted to get married to sit home in front of the TV
all day ? Or come home at night and yell at my wife "why is there no food on
this damn table!!".
Come on! we're in 2006 and I'm not that type of guy. I have dreams too, I want to have fun and make money too !
The difference is that I think it would be much more interesting if I do and
share all these things with a partner in life !
All right, you said "can't you just give me a bit more time ?"
I'll cast aside my male ego for a minute here, by forgetting that you accepted to get engaged then you changed your mind, so I can objectively answer your question.
If we were both to talk it through and decide to give it a bit more time. Don't
you think we should agree what happens during this period of "waiting" time ?
Do we fix a date at which the "waiting" time is over and we start taking action ?
Do we stay in a mutually exclusive relationship where we don't date other
people (and if we decided to do that... can we be faithful to our word since
we're both far away and no control is possible) ?
Would you like to be a 2nd choice for me ? (I know you don't)
Would you think I should accept of being a 2nd choice to you ? (I can't accept that)
A second choice being someone who sits down and patiently waits (not knowing what the outcome will be) while someone else figures out who or what they want in their life ?
I would hate to be misunderstood here. I am not implying or asking for anything in this email. I have already asked what I wanted to ask in a very clear and straightforward manner.
This email is just to show you that in case you are honest about your feelings and your hesitation is natural at your age, I will not let my ego take over and I will not immediately have a negative reaction without talking it over with you first out of respect. You have the right to explain yourself.
Think it over carefully and let me know what's your take on all this in a
detailed reply to my email. I'd appreciate that.
Have a good day and believe that everything in life can be solved. Nothing is
impossible and nothing should be so scary when there is an open communication channel between two people who are willing to face everything together as one person.
Here's her answer
Quote:
It is weird,....this is the first time i feel you understand what is going
on inside me...as i told you last time :not being ready for marriage or
engagement has nothing to do with you as a person BUT it has something to do with myself.
As you said in your mail, i am in a new period of my life, a period where i
am meeting friends, where i have a new job, where am discovering a new
country...everything is new. I am not scared, i am enjoying it, but i have
to prove myself. I need to feel I have my own identity.
You know when i was doing my BA and my MBA, i really missed out a lot of
things in my life, i was only focusing on my studies. That was great for my
career..but also it had a negative impact on my own life, on my social life,
on what i missed out, on all the experiences i should have tried (skying,
clubing, cine, going out, camping, barbecue..) and i did not.
And today, when you tell me about marriage I am just afraid that i will miss again this period of my life...I just want to live the maximum i can, to do what i couldnt do, to feel i had a teenager life, memories i will remember when i will grow up.
You are right, we can live this together, but here again i feel i want to do
some things before getting married, before being related to a person, I need
to be the girl who is working, making friends, working on a social life.
You are wondering how much time i need. Well it might take 1 month like 1
year like 6 months like 6 years....In fact i dont want to stop living my
life, i dont want to stop going out, having fun, enjoying each stage, each
age. But as you said we can share this together. So for now, it is just a
matter of compensating what i lost in the previous years, what i really
wanted to do and did not.
I really want to enjoy life, i really want to discover things, to travel, to eat, to drink, to dance, TO LIVE! whether it is now and after getting married.
Now are you ready to have such a life if we get married?
Today, i woke up! and i am saying to myself...NO ONE WILL LET ME LIVE WHAT I WANT, i mean you did not in 2 years...so this is why today i am taking the things in charge, and i am changing my life style.
So this is the first issue, that in 2 years you didn't present me to the world, meaning that you just let me live the same way i was living....and believe me what i needed the most is someone to make me enjoy life, someone to make me see that life is not only about studying and working but also about enjoying everything!
Now am going out, am meeting people, am enjoying life and just like i am ! i feel sexy, hot, beautiful...because am going out, i see how people look at me, how people compliment me AND I FEEL GREAT! IN 2 YEARS WITH YOU I NEVER FELT THAT CONFIDENT!
Maybe it is because we were all the time focusing on the "what if", but we never really lived the present! and yes am afraid of this!
The second issue that bothers me alot..is the fact that you say you
sacrifce things for me! no! i dont want this!
i said i am not ready for marriage because i dont want to sacrifice an important period of my life which might affect our future life together! i dont want to blame you in the future if i regret something! and same with you...i dont want you to blame me if you come and you are not happy here!
i dont want you to take decisions because of me!
if you feel you are sacrificing something it means it is not good..the day
you feel you are doing something because u r convinced but not sacrificing
it is different!
The third issue is that i dont want to go back to where I used to live, not now and not even in the next coming years!
See you think we can get engaged and then discuss these things! well for me no! i prefer things to be clear and then take a decision!
As for having more time..i asked for time to hang out, feel i am building a
personality...but i never said i want to have bfs and go out with guys. No!
I am going out with guys...having drinks food..dancing in groups..but we are
all as friends!!
i am not going out with ppl in search of a bf.
i want this to be clear. and even if we are married, i want you to understand that being married doesn't mean not having friends aside...maybe one day a friend boy will need to talk to me or he is having a problem...or maybe one day i'll have lunch with a client...i mean these are normal things, these shouldnt be barriers in a marriage.
I feel i let everyhting go out! i was surprised by your mail..because i felt
you read a part of my mind and this is good!
Another thing before i go, i want also to feel ready financially..and i am
not! that today i can have my own money!
it is a way for me to feel i have reached something.
Hope you will understand me , i have nothing against you, i know i cant find
someone better than you in this world...i just need time to find myself
before finding us.
Comments ?
Last edited by dreamguy; 23rd September 2006 at 6:39 AM..
Bottom line: This girl has low interest in you. She sounds flaky, but that's beside the point. The only thing that matters is that she doesn't like you that much. And, that's precisely why you two broke up and got back together several times. She was probably never that into you. She was (and still is) just jerking you around. As the first reply said....no contact with her until the end of time. I wouldn't answer anymore calls from her. But, if you must answer, simply say, "hey, it's so good to hear from you, but I can't talk right now; my date's over here making dinner. But, I'm not that into her. You're still the one, so give me a call sometime," then hang up.
I don't think she's being flaky - I think she's being honest. And I think it's great that you guys finally laid everything out on the table. I think what has transpired between you guys is a very good start to figuring things out. You have both laid your issues out on the table- sounds like that hasn't been done to this extent before.
Women appreciate communication- they appreciate frankness as much as guys do. I can tell that she was pleasantly surprised by your "understanding" into what she is going through. And I am happy that I provided a little insight into how she might be feeling. I have been there- at 24. Now I am your age- and I understand all those confusing feelings that come with entering adulthood.
Hopefully this will keep the lines of communication open. Unfortunately- you may have to wait a bit if you want to be with her still. That much is evident from her e-mail. It's also clear that she cares very deeply for you and is not ready to end things. She's understandably confused, as I'm sure you are. Just keep talking.
I understand the need for a woman to feel beautiful. My ex rarely made me feel that way, and it was difficult for me to know how he truly felt.
If you require further insight, keep posting and I'll answer as best I can.
It feels sad and good at the same time to be back on this forum.
I hear ya !!!..
Quote:
Originally Posted by dreamguy
I have decided not to answer any of her means to get in touch with me.
Taking some time for yourself is always helpful.. but whether or not you keep it up should depend on whether or not you want to make it work with her or move on from her.
NC is a coping mechanism that helps us move on..But if you are doing it out of anger instead of letting go then you will possibly carry residue over into your next relationship.
__________________
~~ One day someone will walk into your life and make you see why it never worked out with anyone else.. ~~
Whether she's a flake or not is irrelevant. You've already summed up good reasons why she's not for you:
Quote:
Originally Posted by dreamguy
I've tried to commit but we both realise I wasn't totally financially capable of getting my own house (at least not the house she wanted) and having a wedding (at least the wedding she wanted).
Clearly, she's less interested in you than in what you can provide. Now, that's not all bad, of course; as a husband/father, it would be your primary responsibility to take care of your family's needs.
But this, at least as I see it, is different. Her idea of commitment seems more inclined to your ability to give her what she wants, instead of working together as a couple to attain the things that you would need or want as a couple.
Just wanted you to know that your e-mail to your girl inspired me to send an e-mail to my ex. I explained everything I have been wanting to tell him for some time now and have been compiling the e-mail for a couple weeks and just saving it to my drafts folder. I think I had to wait to send it until I knew I could handle his response- or lack of it.
I may not get a reply- but at least I said what I wanted to say.
Thanks for that inspiration.
After sending it -if I get no response, I will move to no contact and move on for good.
Relationships are confusing!
By the way- I do think that you should be using this time as well to think about what it is you really want out of life. DO you want to be clubbing at 33? Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with this person?
Now is the time to start asking yourself these things.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
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