I was wondering who out there whose spouses were unfaithful to them were able to finally forgive? and those who did not? It's been three months for me of an absolute rollercoaster, today is our 13th wedding anniversary and I keep coming back to this need to have some time away from him, possibly split up. He has been trying, I guess I got to ask the bigger question that do I still love him? is it worth forgiving and forgetting? There's days even weeks when I think I do and I can and then WHAM, I get broadsided by a huge bus and I'm back where I began. In fact today I feel we are back where we were way before he had the affair, in the days where "I was always mad at him and he didn't think I loved him"..
Looking for some other's stories, feedback, insight, help??????
These memories are with you forever, they will always pop into your mind. You however will be able to quickly change your thoughts to something more pleasant. If you do dwell upon them, then it is like reliving it all again, doesn't matter if it is 3 months or 30 years. I know because this has been part of my life, though my wife has passed on. Not an easy thing to get over, that a person says they love you and act so hateful. Seek counseling and what ever help you might find. There are many fine books on this matter. Betrayal really is the worst pain we will know, hard to forgive, I know. If you are to succeed you have to do it.
you are right stargazer, forgiveness is the only way to go, I feel like it's been coming in little increments. however, part of me is afraid to, afraid if I do, he'll get complacent, comfortably numb, do it again later on down the road. he did 18 years later, from the first time. this time was different, but similar in that he was looking for something else, different in that this time he wanted someone to see him for all his positive attribuites, to acknowledge him, and whatever else. Mentally I know what I have to do, even spiritually, but emotionally I am scared ****less. It's like jumping off a huge slab of granite into the unknown.
Location: Straight North - sharp left turn at Happenstance
Posts: 1,794
It's been a rough road at times. It's been about 2 1/2 years now for me, and I can honestly say that most of the time I don't think about it anymore. (For quite some time it was ALL I thought about!) The forgiving wasn't really all that difficult, as he was so completely regretful and sorrowful about what he had done. The forgetting part? A whole different story.
I too was concerned that if I gave forgiveness that he (or I) would get complacent again. But, in all honesty I don't believe that he would ever again take the steps that he took down that road of deceit and betrayal.
It sounds from what you have said that the road leading to your H's A was similar to ours. I was in a state of almost constant anger, and he figured I didn't love him anymore. I think that is a recipe for disaster for any relationship.
In any relationship, someone needs to be willing to take the step off into thin air, shut their eyes and pray. I felt like my husband made that step when he told me about his EA. I felt like I matched that step when I forgave him.
Three months isn't very long. Keep your chin up, keep working. I hope all the best for you and yours.
thank you silktricks. your words mean alot. I'm still in a state of "should I stay or should I go" but you know you are so right about the huge risk each party takes. My H wasn't as forthcoming about having his A, he got caught, but I think he may have wanted to to get me to finally notice him. He however was so very deceitful about hiding what his A was, it was emotional and they also had , but it was so short and she lived 3 hours away, so most of it was over the phone. and he got another cell phone the day after I found out, to continue to talk to her b/c he knew I would be checking his usual cell phone. ah, won't go into all the details b/c it feels like dredging up old crap, but I still don't know how much to believe, and the trust is gone for the most part. I do believe he is remorseful and regrets doing it, so I have to focus on that (that's a positive), but like I said, I am constantly barraged by the pain of the events as they played out. I know time heals all wounds, and I'm learning something about myself throughout all of this.
I forgave and took back my now finacee (at that time she was my g/f) three times when she made out with another dude (catching it on two occassions or once reading it on yahoo messenger). It might sound stupid but I decide to was worth trying. Only that was a long time already, like when we were 6 months exclusive. Now it's out 5th year and it's been better than before, hasn't cheated on me since.
I didn't say I forgive him though but acting acceptable. Sometimes, the feelings come back to bite my A$$ then I feel the blood rushing through my head, the heart keeps pumping blood extremely uncontrolably hard. It's been almost two months since my discovery. He was drunk and don't remember what happened but told me what was going on. I said BS and S with it for not remember what happened. I agree that it's easier to forgive than forget.
Finally someone (Lakeside) posted who, like me, may not feel they can forgive.
It's been over 3 1/2 yrs since I found out and I've tried forgiving. I sometimes feel I can't forgive him for "knowingly and consciously" cheating on me. He didn't need to put me through this hell - we were dating and engaged at the time he was cheating. He could have told me bye with never a word between us again but he didn't. I think I'm more mad at him for stringing me along and cheating on me than I would have been if he just would have left me so I could find a decent guy. So I don't know that I can forgive. I could forgive someone more easily who did something accidentally or by mistake. I could forgive someone who ran into my car with theirs by accident - they were distracted and hit me. They are sorry and I would know they didn't come down the road and look at me and say to themselves, "I think I'll run into her and cause her pain". I can forgive that. I can't seem to forgive someone who intentionally hurts someone else, then gets caught (doesn't come clean themselves but has to be found out), then says I'm sorry I won't do it again. Sorry they don't deserve my forgiveness. Why would I have to forgive him if I don't plan on staying with him anyway? If he's living elsewhere and we are each going about our lives, I don't see why I should. Maybe that makes me a bad person too but that's how I feel.
Understand please that when asked by casual friends, and even my daughter who is very close to her mother if I have forgiven, my answer is different. My Son knows how I feel and the subject does not come up.
The last time it came up between my daughter and I, my response was, "your mother and I were married 25 years, we've been divorced for 5, it really doesen't matter to me anymore".
To friends I say something like: "That's ancient history, who cares".
When my ex emailed once asking for forgivness (joined alanon with her new H, following the program) I replied: "you don't get it, I wouldn't piss on you if your hair was on fire".
There is no need to try to forgive if you are not forced to interact with the person. Both my children were adults when the mess came to the surface. The breakup was techinically "no fault" and very quick, causing few additional bad feelings.
I have had no contact other than child related things, with which there were some problems, currently there has been no contact for months.
It might be different if we shared custody of youngsters, maybe.....
It's been 3 years since dday for me. I forgave my WH but I will never forget he had an A. If we were going to work on our M I had to work on forgiving him also. Our M could of never survived if I never forgave him.
The A is more like a nightmare right now. I think about it but it doesn't cause me as much pain as it did a year ago.
I've just experienced my H having an emotional affair with one of his message board members. My story is "husband met chatter.." Anyhow, I have decided to forgive him, but it was easier said than done. Now we're working on trust and communication. We see a counselor every week and we are working on repairing things together. Believe me, it is normal to be on a roller coaster. Sometimes I still get angry just thinking about what went down. It really helped that my husband was able to hear from a third party that this process was going to be long and difficult and that he needed to expect me to have anger, sadness, etc. and to allow me to have that. I still ask questions all the time about the affair. Some days I can go without even thinking about it. I do see the angry/sad moments lessening though. I really had to look at the whole picture and decide if I really wanted to rebuild this relationship. We did, so we're trying. Make sure he has cut all ties with the OW. That was a big closure for me. It was good for me to know that he let this woman know how important I was to him and that they needed to go separate ways never to contact each other again. Good luck...It will get better!
Location: Straight North - sharp left turn at Happenstance
Posts: 1,794
Quote:
Originally Posted by LakesideDream
Understand please that when asked by casual friends, and even my daughter who is very close to her mother if I have forgiven, my answer is different. My Son knows how I feel and the subject does not come up.
{snip}
It might be different if we shared custody of youngsters, maybe.....
LD - you have a right to feel however you feel. There's no need to apologize (or explain) for being angry (and staying angry) at someone who betrayed you.
(I especially liked what you said about not pissing on her if her hair was on fire)
Silktricks, I didn't mean to apologise, or even explain. I felt like my original post made me sound a little like a maniac which I am not.
Tell you what though, I've waited paitently for a phone call from one of my kids telling me "their mom" was croaked driving drunk, or had been diagnosed with cervical cancer.. It's really shaken my belief in the "power of positive thinking".
we were working with a therapist who told me I had to make a decision right then and not wallow in my pain........she also told me if I didn't forgive him our marriage was over. I was so confused from all the pain of what I was going through, then this therapist has the nerve to rush me.....I highly doubt she'd take her own advice if her own husband had cheated on her....anyway I told her we weren't coming back, that the time had naturally come for me to not see her anymore ( I had been seeing her alone for almost 3 years and my H & I were in mc for a few months before the affair)
I've since talked to others, read alot, and am learning that the decision will naturally arise from my H's actions and how hard her works to earn my forgiveness and regain my trust. we are still "together"
silktricks~~ I was wondering if you and your H were still married?
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
Never do we forget!
Linear Mode
