Finally cracked today and sent MM a flurry of abusive, not to say demented, emails.
I am attempting to do a take home exam at the moment and this whole thing has severely compromised my ability to write philosophy essays overnight.
Im totally sick of the whole thing and am thinking of swearing off relationships for good. It's not just that he's married etc... the end of a relationship is so unpleasant no matter what... I hate feeling like pathetic needy person...
The whole thing is doomed anyway so it's probably best to make a clean break.
I certainly know how you feel and I am so very sorry that you are going thru this pain and espeically at a time where you need to have your mind on something else, but you can't swear off relationships all together, we need love and companionship and I firmly believe there is someone for all of us and all of the pain you've been thru will be washed away when you look into that someone's eyes. Kinda like when you have a baby, hurts like you wouldn't believe, but it's all worth it the first time you hold that child in your arms.
I think things are just too much at the moment. My father nearly died last weekend as he started uncontrollably bleeding from his colostomy opening (has had bowel removed) and had to have emergency surgery. It was my partner's, the one who died, birthday on the weekend so it was a bit much. It makes you wonder what is the point of having someone in your life if they can't be with you at times like that, and in fact are just an additional source of stress.
I felt like exploding today, to the extent of actually doing wanky meditation things (pain out, healing light in breathing !!!!) in a desperate attempt to refocus. Then I felt guilty for even being upset... I have worked so hard after the death of my partner to regain equilibrium, when I am someone who has lost someone and gone through that agony I feel like it's really self indulgent to be in pain when its basically MY CHOICE to be in this situation... nobody has died, I'm just in a relationship that hurts and maybe I should pull myself together, realise what's important and what I want to achieve in my life, and get to it.
[quote=consternation... its basically MY CHOICE to be in this situation... nobody has died, I'm just in a relationship that hurts and maybe I should pull myself together, realise what's important and what I want to achieve in my life, and get to it.[/quote]
So, what's stopping you?
__________________ Warning: Keep out of reach of children. Do not operate heavy machinery while taking this advice.
Finally cracked today and sent MM a flurry of abusive, not to say demented, emails.
Quote:
Originally Posted by consternation
I am attempting to do a take home exam at the moment and this whole thing has severely compromised my ability to write philosophy essays overnight.
Im totally sick of the whole thing and am thinking of swearing off relationships for good. It's not just that he's married etc... the end of a relationship is so unpleasant no matter what... I hate feeling like pathetic needy person...
The whole thing is doomed anyway so it's probably best to make a clean break.
Sorry C, have only just caught up with what's been going on for you after 5 days off line.
Stick with it, it's only the waiting that's frustrating you really. I am saying this because I SO wish it was me in the position you are with your MM (in as much as I wish he had made a break to leave and be with me). It seems like your MM really loves you (as I am sure you know, although doubt from time to time) and he's taking big steps to be with you. Be patient. It will SO worth it in the end. Don't listen to doubters like The Wife - you can understand her frustration - I feel bitter like that at the moment although my situation is completely different from hers, of course. EVERY situation is different (although there are often lots of similarities) and sometimes there IS a happy ending. Some of these MMs are strong and will do what makes them happy rather than take the cowards way out by staying when there's obviously something wrong in their marriage and those ones will probably just go on cheating to fill that void.
Only one month. Must seem like a long time but you will get there and be happier than ever. Lots and lots of luck and remember we are all here to support you. Get on line and talk to us rather than contacting him. He will contact you when he's ready
Thanks Posh. You're right, it's the waiting and I suppose I should stick it out for the month (only a month lost, and will be out of country for 2 weeks of it anyway).
I don't know if MM will be interested after my blistering emails though.
I have very mixed feelings about all this. Is it really supposed to be this hard?
Will try to post psychotic messages here instead, in future.
Anyway, there's a good chance I will be in the same boat as you, he will crawl back to wife or whatever... considering she wants him back desperately and so on. After my performance today (in email: you are a source of misery, you have f*cked everything up, I don't think I can ever get past this pain you have caused me so our relationship is doomed etc etc) she might seem like much the better option.
As hard as it is, I think you really need to try to calm down. He did make some moves and you still have a month to go. Try to remember that he is going through emotional times as well. If its only one more month, and you do have a possible good outcome in all of this, its best to not rock the boat right now. You don't want to push him the other way!! I'm sure you are going through trying times, I understand. But you won't know for another month, so do try to not sabotage what you've got going and also not sabotage your studies. I know its hard. You did agree to NC to give him time and at least you've been able to keep in some contact. So do what you need to do. Its not over yet.
Anyway, there's a good chance I will be in the same boat as you, he will crawl back to wife or whatever... considering she wants him back desperately and so on. After my performance today (in email: you are a source of misery, you have f*cked everything up, I don't think I can ever get past this pain you have caused me so our relationship is doomed etc etc) she might seem like much the better option.
[/quote]
Don't think like that! If he really loves you (and it certainly seems like he does) then he will understand why you are so frustrated. Do what you have agreed though and give him time. These things are never easy.
I left my partner of 8 years (a year ago today, funnily enough). There was no one else involved but it was still very traumatic, even for me (although more so for him obviously!) No matter how he 'doesn't feel' about his W he will still want to make things as straightforward and painless for her as possible and feel totally free so that he can give you everything he wants and feels you deserve!
I know this may sound harsh...but don't cut your nose off to spite your face. I've been reading and following your story... and just crossing my fingers for you. You are so close to SOMETHING being resolved, one way or another. Give it time. At least your MM is attempting something that most don't or aren't willing to do. If you need to, break the situation down into several parts. In other words compartmentalize! His leaving and divorcing current wife and then you two working on the relationship to come are two seperate things. If you think about it most relationships are doomed one way or another, there's always something!
Keep ranting here so you don't blow your chances here! I have a friend who has been in similar situations as ours and she told me whenn it comes to MM "Patience is progress".
Best!
__________________
The answer is.....
There is no answer.
Yeah I really regret losing my temper. I sent an email just saying ''sorry i lost my temper, i know what you're going through is big and I will bow back out of the picture until future notice now''.
I suppose it's that case of the last bit always being the hardest... whether it's a race or waiting for something...
And I think I'm worried about getting that call that he's sorry.. they are going to work it out... etc...
Yeah I really regret losing my temper. I sent an email just saying ''sorry i lost my temper, i know what you're going through is big and I will bow back out of the picture until future notice now''.
I suppose it's that case of the last bit always being the hardest... whether it's a race or waiting for something...
And I think I'm worried about getting that call that he's sorry.. they are going to work it out... etc...
Maybe you cauld back off for a while & see where that leads?? See if he contacts you...
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