I posted a question a while back, asking about how less-than-attractive people could be a in a relationship together and find it satisfying. I got a lot of feedback, some helpful, some hostile (but ALL interesting, as always).
The consensus seemed to be one of two things:
1) People who I might find unattractive are attractive to others, so it's all a matter of personal taste.
2) Looks, don't really matter, personality is more important (especially over the long term).
So, my new question is this: assuming personality really IS the most important thing, how do you do PHYSICAL things (i.e sex) with someone who you don't necessarily find PHYSICALLY attractive? You're not having sex with their PERSONALITY, after all.
So, my new question is this: assuming personality really IS the most important thing, how do you do PHYSICAL things (i.e sex) with someone who you don't necessarily find PHYSICALLY attractive? You're not having sex with their PERSONALITY, after all.
I don't know who would, in their sane mind.
If physical attractiveness overrides personality = failure
If personality overrides physical attractiveness = failure
If personality, and attractiveness are conjoined into a sphere of compatibility = Fireworks. [excluding error analysis]
Any way you slice it, you can't have a satisfactory relationship without passion and you can't have passion without being physically attracted to the person in some way. It just won't happen. Having sex with someone you do not consider attractive is nothing more than masturbation, simple as that.
Physical attraction is not permanent, nor is it merely based on appearance.
The one you love will age, and weight will fluctuate, etc. Real attraction is based on the person in the shell of their body. I think when for you both "match", you have passion and friendship, i.e. love.
I have had instances where I was VERY attracted to a woman's physical appearance, but then she opened her mouth and I couldn't run away fast enough. I have also met women who I wouldn't look at twice at first and after talking with them couldn't think of anything but sleeping with them as soon as possible.
This is going to sound very corny, but when you fall in love with someone, the physical attractiveness factor becomes a side-issue. For some weird reason, the person you are in love with grows more and more attractive to you. Maybe you just start noticing the good parts - their beautiful eyes, their enchanting smile, the quirky dimples, whatever - and the not-so-attractive things fade away? Or maybe you change your tastes, such that the characteristics of the person you're in love with become more your thing? I dunno. But it's amazing how it works.
As for the sex ... well, I think you *are* having sex with their personality. You're having sex with *them.* Having sex with someone you're in love with, as part of a relationship, is pretty different to having sex with someone who is simply hot. I've got no doubt that many people, men and women, prefer the latter kind of sex, and there's nothing wrong with that. Hot sex with a hot man with tight abs and tonned arm muscles can be fantastic - not least of all because of the ego boost that comes with it. But that kind of sex is just a physical thing. Sex with the person you love is more about connecting and comfort and sharing and all kinds of things that I wouldn't give up for anything.
And in case anything things this is the female view alone, my fiance feels the same. We've both had, objectively, far better looking partners in the past. I'd probably be down the bottom of the list, were his girlfriends being ranked by Maxim or FMH. But he thinks I'm beautiful - he notices my eyes and my legs, rather than my crooked teeth, bad skin or lank hair. And we both agree this is by far and away the best relationship of our lives. The passion comes from that.
Someone who captures my imagination is always, hands-down, no question about it, the most exciting lover to me. I've never been drawn to eye candy when it comes to either relationships or sex, and I've never slept with anyone that I wasn't passionate about. Some were very handsome men, and some less so, but all were very sexy to me.
Someone who captures my imagination is always, hands-down, no question about it, the most exciting lover to me. I've never been drawn to eye candy when it comes to either relationships or sex, and I've never slept with anyone that I wasn't passionate about. Some were very handsome men, and some less so, but all were very sexy to me.
You took the words from my mouth, I could not have said it any better about someone capturing your imagination afterall it is mind over matter.
So, my new question is this: assuming personality really IS the most important thing, how do you do PHYSICAL things (i.e sex) with someone who you don't necessarily find PHYSICALLY attractive? You're not having sex with their PERSONALITY, after all.
Physical attractiveness and personality are pretty much required.
Not JUST physical attractiveness and not JUST personality.
Both of them...
And if someone likes someone else for JUST personality, well good for them.
They don't need to go down that low to think, "Ew they're ugly. Forget THEM."
when you fall in love with someone, the physical attractiveness factor becomes a side-issue. For some weird reason, the person you are in love with grows more and more attractive to you. Maybe you just start noticing the good parts - their beautiful eyes, their enchanting smile, the quirky dimples, whatever - and the not-so-attractive things fade away? Or maybe you change your tastes, such that the characteristics of the person you're in love with become more your thing? I dunno. But it's amazing how it works.
You took the word's right out of my mouth. All I can add, is remember when we were children and we DID believe in the story of Beauty and the Beast. Sure the skeptics will say it's a fairy tail, but all fairy tales are born out of our deepest desires.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ladyinwaiting
Having sex with someone you're in love with, as part of a relationship, is pretty different to having sex with someone who is simply hot. I've got no doubt that many people, men and women, prefer the latter kind of sex, and there's nothing wrong with that. Hot sex with a hot man with tight abs and tonned arm muscles can be fantastic - not least of all because of the ego boost that comes with it. But that kind of sex is just a physical thing. Sex with the person you love is more about connecting and comfort and sharing and all kinds of things that I wouldn't give up for anything.
Which is why IMO relationships based strictly on physical attraction don't last very long.
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"But the Krell forgot one thing, John. Monsters! Monsters from the id!" -Forbidden Planet 1956
I love the remark about the bag and tony's masterbation. You must either be 1) a sex deprived male to have intercouse with a non-attractive woman 2) Your penis has a mind of its own.
The way you put having "sex with personality" i would take that as her emotions, in other words I would like to put it "making love". There is a huge difference between making love and just sex but that is not up for debate here.
You cannot have sex with a person you are not physically attracted too. If you are that desperate to have sex i will donate money to get you a sex toy. hehe
Nomad, if you you 'attractive' only means 'looks like a model' then you've never been in love. 'It is only with the heart that one can see rightly. WHAT IS ESSENTIAL IS INVISIBLE TO THE EYE." Antoine de Saint-Exupery
You want to make love to the person you love. You love the body because it belongs to the person you love. THAT is what attraction is.
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