How does sexual abuse in childhood affect someone?

MrDarcy · 8th August 2006, 7:58 PM

My wife has apparently been abused somehow when she was a child/adolescent. According to her it was not really serious, but bad enought. (She was groped a lot by her grandfather, he tried to kiss her, + +, but not raped or abused sexually in other ways.) She's having trouble talking to me about it, and I don't really know how to respond when she talks about it.

I want to understand, badly, because this is having a very bad effect our marriage.

So, how will being abused affect you later? She's got insecurity issues, but I'm not sure if that's related to her upbringing or the abuse. She also wants attention from other men, and recently almost had an EA because of this, and this is causing serious problems in our marriage, as because of this behaviour I'm having trouble trusting her.
She has serious mental blocks/sexual aversion issues, when it comes to sex. (Can't orgasm, can't really enjoy it, wont let me try to please her...)
And it seems she is unable to let me get close, emotionally.

You may be thinking I'm causing her to be like this, but I really feel I'm doing everything I can to make her feel loved and safe, and help her put the past behind her. I'm not pushing her sexually either.

I really want her to be able to deal with this, and put it behind her, but how does she do that? What can I do? I'm also getting frustrated, as I feel she's somehow relating what happened to me, and that really hurts, because I just want to help her, just want to love her.

I think she should seek professional help to be able to deal with what happened, but will it help? How can I convince her to seek help? Again, what can I do?

Any feedback on this is appreciated.

Craig · 8th August 2006, 8:05 PM

Abuse of children can/does affect people perhaps for the rest of their adult lives. Here is a link to a discussion on LS about such matters and another link that was forwarded to me by another LS member.

How do you recover from child abuse?
http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t773...ht=child+abuse

Child Abuse, Shame, Rage and Violence (not exactly what you are asking about but gives some insight)
http://www.nospank.net/armstrng.htm

I'm sure you'll find lots of support from other LS members that can answer your questions better than I can.

Best wishes

Craig

PS - I agree with you regarding getting her to seek professional help and I also admire you being there to help her through what could be a difficult time.

blind_otter · 9th August 2006, 9:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MrDarcy

I really want her to be able to deal with this, and put it behind her, but how does she do that? What can I do? I'm also getting frustrated, as I feel she's somehow relating what happened to me, and that really hurts, because I just want to help her, just want to love her.

I think she should seek professional help to be able to deal with what happened, but will it help? How can I convince her to seek help? Again, what can I do?

Any feedback on this is appreciated.

She needs to do this for herself and recognize that this is a huge problem. I don't know how she couldn't. I knew from the word "go" that I had serious mental and emotional issues related to being sexually victimized and I have worked (somewhat diligently) for many years to get to a better, healthier place.

She has to do it for her, not anyone else. When you talk to her about it, don't press her for details but do say that maybe if she talked with a professional trained in dealing with the victims of such abuse it may help her gain some clarity and reach a calmer state of mind.

It is very difficult to be involved with someone who has been sexually abused. They sometimes do relate what happened to them, to you, for whatever reason. They do act out inappropriately. Many times they get stuck in a weird feedback loop of reaction instead of action and they stop being aware of how their past affects their present and their future.

Is she completely opposed to therapy?

MrDarcy · 9th August 2006, 11:20 AM

My impression is that she's afraid to admit to herself and others that she has a problem. I think it's some kind of control or pride thing....
Every time i so much as hint at her needing to see a therapist, even just joking about it, she'll go crazy and get really mad at me, which I guess is the first sign that you need help....

What I'm also wondering, is whether her behaviour is related to childhood experiences or not.

blind_otter · 9th August 2006, 11:25 AM

I don't know the answer to that. It could be. There were times when I myself was very resistant to therapeutic intervention, but if she can't even compromise and work with you there isn't much positive that I can add to this.

MsArtful · 11th August 2006, 8:50 AM

Sexual abuse in childhood creates deeply inbuilt insecurities with in a person. Life is like a building, sexual abuse in childhood is like a broken support beam, one has to acknowledge or realise that the beam is broken to be able to fix it. If its not attended to the building will be unstable.

Your wife has to accept that she was abused and be willing to seek help, or talk it out, she needs to fix her "support beam". Keep on letting your wife know that she is loved and safe - that's good. Don't do anything sexual if she feels uncomfortable and let her know that you're always there for her if she ever wants to talk. If she grows hostile every time you mention therapy, that's all I can suggest for you to do.