[LolaO]

It's over. After 12 years of marriage, 15 years together, and two children. Both of us want out, but taking that final step is scaring the hell out of me. I cannot do it.

Short Backstory: We married very young, were best friends, and were joined at the hip for years. Kids came along, I became happy homemaker...we had ongoing issues as everyone, but he was hiding a friendship that grew into a romance. At the end of last year, I was going about my business when I found out about her. Life turned on a dime. I couldn't function for months, as he was the center of my universe. I was completely lost. I worked hard to heal myself, with the help of friends. We waxed and waned over repairing things. For me it's a matter of wanting the best I can give my kids. Neither of us came from intact homes. I say with complete honesty these two opposing statements: I would rather gouge my eyes out and die than break up my kids' home.... but there's no part of me willing to give myself to him completely again. The connection has been shattered. In my heart I am willing to scarifice my happiness for my children. And in some small way, I suppose I believe I can do enough work to make the marriage livable for me.

Well, we gave each other deadlines and tests and both of us failed miserably. There's nothing in either one of us willing to exert ourselves. In my mind and in my heart, I am so done. I can go weeks without speaking or looking at him and I feel fine, but the thought of moving out and starting over is KILLING me.

Questions
1) What is the push I need? I have an affair, emotional and physical abuse, lousy finances, and general neglect. All very good reasons, so why can't I go?

2) He must be in love with her. So how come the general tone on the board is that the MM rarely leaves his wife, but mine is up for the taking after all that we have been through?

3) New info: I have a very special friend who is giving me attention like I haven't gotten in years. I am drowning in it, but trying to be realistic. He is a MM and as I can see, there is nothing wrong with his marriage. I've known him for several months, and I really could lose myself, but I am certain I will lose out big time in the end.

4) My H's income is twice mine and we live near his family, while mine is 1000 miles away. Am I crazy to think I am due alimony but he should take custody? The latter is something I know I cannot live down, but thinking realistically, the kids will suffer less as his income is so great and he can continue to live in our area, which is very comfortable with great schools. My credit has taken a big hit because of his late mortgage payments while I didn't work and his car payment which had my name on it, but he has been able to rebuild his credit with his mother, while my finances are in shambles. I'm leaving with nothing and he's threatening to get a lawyer, which I cannot afford.

5) Why when we made pact after pact that we wouldn't destroy our family is he now so completely stonewalled on reconciliation? Why is the decision so easy for him, and meanwhile for me...I don't want him but I really can't let go either. What is wrong with me?