[kindofblue]

I've had it. After a year of wearing rose-coloured glasses, I'm taking them off, stomping on them, and trying to light them on fire! Before I lose my sanity, I need to end this. I need to stop feeling not good enough to measure up to whatever the "f" it is that would have him leave and be with me. So my question..is it better to just say "I'm done..it's over" or have a long drawn out conversation about it. Or write him a letter (probably expletive laden) expressing everything bottled up inside of me right now. What was your strategy when ending it?? I'm tired of the rollercoaster of breaking up and getting back together. I want this done. I'll probably puke and be insomniatic for days on end, but I'm losing my mind!

[UnknowingOW]

I am here too. Taking control of your life.

That is the only strat.

Cut him...NC him out of your life.

I've been a basket case since June 1 of this year.

It's not worth it. Trust what all the OW's will tell you. No Contact with the MM.

[livingalie]

Hey girlie.
Would anyone ever measure up? Maybe not because a lot of men are selfish and only think of themselves anyways, so they wont allow themselves to get too attached to other women or their feelings.
I wish I had some good experience with this but I dont. Yeah NC before you lose your sanity. No conversations. He will just string you along or make up excuses. Leave him a note, or talk to him and just say it's over and then change your phone number etc and it will be hard because you still care about him and are dying for any little hint that he will leave his wife for you. But what else could you do? You've waited too long and now need to think of your sanity and self-respect first. You can do better.

For me I wrote a scorching email with every angry thought i had withheld for 2 years and told him to never contact me again.. hurt like hell for a few days but then..relief.. I could breathe.. I wasnt leading a secret life anymore.. and noone was hurting me anymore..

Best of luck and ((((hugs)))))

[Sami_D]

Hello,

Well you can end it any way you like. I think that if you're ending it with someone, in any situation, it is best to tell them what's happening (with reasons, if necessary, or if you think they want them or will listen), and tell them your expectations for the future (never to hear from them unless free, or never again whatever), and then say goodbye on good terms.

I wanted to respond to this:

Originally Posted by kindofblue

I need to stop feeling not good enough to measure up to whatever the "f" it is that would have him leave and be with me.

This is such a self-destructive attitude.

You're just great as you are, and it's not about you, or a competition between you and his wife, as to why he won't or can't leave. There are many, many things for a man who is considering leaving his M to consider. And this OW vs the W thing is very much low on the list. I know that's hard to believe, because instinctively that's how we view it. But my MM told me over and over (and I still have to remind myself, on occasion!) that this wasn't the case!

He might love you like he's never loved anyone in his life... and still not leave. That's just the way things are at times. Don't buy into all this 'if a man loves a woman enough he'd do ANYTHING to be with her' bull. If a man deserts his W and C and M because he fell in love with someone else... without prolonged thought... without a tremendous struggle of conscience... then he is no man worth having.

The thing is, it is you who has to make decisions for yourself here. He might need time and lots of it to come to his conclusions. A MM cannot just up and leave a M in a timeframe that would suit an OW, simply in order for her to feel better about herself, or for him to be able to 'prove' he loves her. It takes longer than that. In the meantime, you do not have to wait, and it is probably counter-productive for you to wait. A MM having an affair is unlikely to do anything, since he doesn't see the need... You are there for him.

So... you can tell him you'll see him down the line if he ever makes the break. It's up to you to save your own sanity, and your own dignity.

But don't make it into a 'he must leave or he doesn't love me' situation. Because that does no one any good.

[Mascara]

Frankly, I think that would do her a world of good. Tell yourself he doesn't care enough, because then you'll get angry and realise you deserve someone who DOES. The angrier you get, the more you will grow to dislike him. The more you dislike him, the easier it will be.

I also disagree on the explanations. In my experience, men will just get wound up by it. You want to leave him wondering, and ending it on YOUR terms. So just say to him "It's over" and when he says he deserves to know why, just say "Well you have a think about it sweetie, I'm sure you're not that dumb". When he says "But you know I can't leave her" smile sweetly and say "That's fine honey! Not actually asking you to, but thanks for the clarification."

It will drive him mad that you are simply walking away with no tearful notes or furious expletives. You will walk away with a bit of mystery.

[kindofblue]

Thanks. And thanks Sami D. I'm printing off your response, putting it on my fridge, beside my bed, on my desk at work (in a covert place...maybe in code!) and anywhere else I will need to read it to stay the course on this. Of all the things I disdain about this affair, it's the way it has made me think and feel about myself...basically, not good. Which is remarkable when I've willingly subjected myself to a situation that is completely schizophrenic and unhealthy all because of the contentment (read: pseduo-contentment) I feel during the limited time we spend together. Dumbass!

[Walking away]

I agree with Mascara.

Walk away with dignity.

Leave him nothing to vilify you with, nothing to dislike about you, nothing but fond memories.

I did.

And I don't regret it for one minute.

Good luck

WA

[lovernotafighter]

Originally Posted by Walking away

I agree with Mascara.

Walk away with dignity.

Leave him nothing to vilify you with, nothing to dislike about you, nothing but fond memories.

I did.

And I don't regret it for one minute.

Good luck

WA

I completely agree with Sami and WA. take the high road and walk away gracefully. that is the only way to have true closure and you won't feel like you had to be insulting to do it.

if you care about him there no reason to be mean about the whole..keep your good memories intact, don't sully them by being abusive.

good luck