[mimihernandez]

I'm not really sure what I'm doing or thinking. A relative has accused my husband of molesting her 14 year old daughter in my own home. My heart tells me that my husband is not capable of doing something like this but my head just can't catch up. As a catholic woman my duty is to stand by my husband and protect my family but to be honest, I don't know what to do.

The whole story is convoluted and each time I think about it I'm even more confused. It turns out that everyone in my family has known about this accusation for over a month and my husband and I just found out last Thursday. I confronted the situation strong and in total support of my husband but events that have taken place since then are driving me insane.

I've talked to the alleged victim and got her story. The story doesn't make sense to me. The mother (my cousin) I have not spoken to. On Friday my husband behaved normally but on Saturday he began acting strange. He seems to want to get mad at me for any reason. On Sunday he went out with some friends to celebrate a birthday. I didn't have a problem with that but he didn't come home until after 2 am, completely drunk and did not go to work on Monday. This is not something he has ever done in our 11 years of marriage.

He was completely apalogetic on Monday, Tuesday but now again he's trying to turn the tables and bring up things to put me on the spot. My instict is to grab my kids and disapear and I feel like I'm going insane. Please if anyone can give me any advice please respond. I'm losing it.

[justpassingthrough]

Girl, tell me you have some support from family and/or friends. You NEED that right now.

Your world has just been turned upside down. I'm so sorry.

Is a bee-line to a family therapist out of the question? Have you told your husband he has your support?

[Shane361]

I would have to side on the side of justice period. Unfortunatly that isnt clear at the moment. Maybe if the little girl who was supposedly molested was taken in for couseling more truth would come out. She needs to realize the severity of the situation and consequences of her threats. It would be too easy to say he didnt do it cause you love him. I hope the truth comes out so you can make a rational choice but if not go with your gut instict. -shane

[Curmudgeon]

If there was ever a time to hang onto your sanity it's now, both for your sake and your childrens'.

His uncharacteristic reaction could be one of at least two things. It could be total shock at the accusation and disorientation about finding himself in this position if there's no truth to it. On the other hand it could be a mixture of guilt and fear at having been found out.

Either way I wouldn't make any hasty decisions right now until you see how this is going to play out. In the meantime, keep yourself and the children safe and have an achievable escape plan if you need it.

Best of luck!

[mimihernandez]

This situation has brought out so much in me that I now am questioning and analyzing my entire marriage. I've told him that I back him and stand by him but at the same time I need him to do some kind of therapy with me in order to save our marriage. I thought that he would take it as an opportunity to make our relationship stronger but he's decided he wants to move out and he acts like he's offended. He reacted defensively and made a decision in less than 1/2 hour.

I'm more confused now than ever....

[justpassingthrough]

Hey, at the risk of stating the obvious, you got ta remember he's going to do whatever he's going to do because he's a grown man and he can.

Your husband is a grown man. Grown people do stupid things. I can't say I wouldn't be off the wall stupid given the same circumstances. If this were a democracy my vote would be with the Let Him Be Stupid Except if He Hurts Himself or Someone Else party.

I'm quite serious.

Are the police involved?

[Mz. Pixie]

Originally Posted by mimihernandez

I'm not really sure what I'm doing or thinking. A relative has accused my husband of molesting her 14 year old daughter in my own home. My heart tells me that my husband is not capable of doing something like this but my head just can't catch up. As a catholic woman my duty is to stand by my husband and protect my family but to be honest, I don't know what to do.

I am so sorry. This would have to be my worst nightmare come true. I was sexually abused by my stepfather growing up and my worst fear would be for my husband to molest one of my children. My mother DID NOT believe me and I was forced to live in the situation for years or run away. It was extremely destructive to me on many levels.

Now- your first thoughts should be your children. Do you? If you do then they should be the first ones that you question after the victim.

To be honest with you, I don't agree with your questioning her. While this was painful for you- if this ends up being true- then that was a nightmare experience for her to have to go through.

The police need to be involved in this. Then, if your husband is innocent he should just take a lie detector test- at least to prove his innocense to you.

I cannot possibly imagine someone lying about sexual abuse. I know people do but I can't imagine it. She's an extremely troubled person if she has- or she's being molested by someone else and cannot tell who it is because of fear. I've heard of that happening as well.

Dr. Phil has had stories about this kind of stuff as well as Oprah. I bet you can do a search and there is probably a support group for women such as yourself. Catholic or no- if he's guilty- you have to leave him. There is no way out of that. Because of any children you might have. People who do this ARE NOT capable of changing according to scientific research.

[mimihernandez]

In the past few days I've gone through him leaving, then me and the kids leaving to now us working it out. He has agreed to counseling but wants to go away for the weekend first. He says he will do anything I want him to. I've asked him to stop drinking and he said that he will try.

It feels like a huge weight has been lifted but I still don't feel right. We have not discussed THE ACCUSATION and I'm not sure if doubt is what is making me feel wierd.

Thank you all for your responses.

[mimihernandez]

I asked the ACCUSER to take it to the police so that they could do a proper investigation and so I can have some more proof but she has not. Her mother has sent her out of the state. Her mother (my cousin) and I have not spoken since this whole thing came out. I am really hurt that she did not come to me in the very beginning but has gone all over 3 different states telling everyone in my family before my husband and I sould confront the situation, defend himself and/or question what happened. I want to talk to her but I don't want to hurt her anymore that I'm sure she's hurting. She has to believe her daughter - I would. The thing I don't understand is why she would want to just forget about the whole thing and sweep it under the rug, especially since the whole west coast knows. I would not let it go if it were my kid. I suspect there is more to the situation that I do not know.

[Mz. Pixie]

There may be.

Why would he agree to go to counseling if he hasn't done anything wrong? Unless it's for the drinking??

Incest and sexual molestation used to be swept under the rug. It's a big secret. The families often think they are protecting that person by not subjecting them to the legal aspect of an investigation. Often times that outweighs the need to punish the person who did it.

But yeah, her telling everyone is not really a good sign of someone who is trying to help her child recover.