[nevruz]

Hi Friends,

Sorry to send this again bu as ıf ı was ignored....I am lurker just a while I thought you might help me in getting this through.well……my problem We were together for nearly 4 years. She was very clingy to me, and devoted. I mean calling every five minutes… I felt miserable always, and started to lose my love towards her. I felt like she was trying to control me. I started to push her away, and things went wrong.. So I broke it off 4 months ago..without me even realizing it. I found comfort in a new girl, and suddenly left her. She then committed suicide and slit her both wrists but did not die.Now she is recovered.She then got into a relationship with another guy just for the sake of revenge and had sexual intercourse which she had told me . then, the roles were reversed. . I couldnt believe how much I missed her so I left my new girlfriend. I couldnt eat or sleep and I had this bad feeling in my stomach and in my heart.I found myself clinging to her, but I knew I couldn't. I wanted to play it cool, but I was so messed up..I couldn't do the things I once loved to do.Now we are together again but in different cities. She now says that she loves me but that she doesn't trust me.Our phone calls are quite unsteady.She is very aggresive mostly.I am stil telling her that I love her and nothing has changed on my side. I am mostly unwavering, in however she behaves you know I believe in unconditional love.Is it true approach?e g.She says she will call me in half an hour but she wont.I don’t want to question how she acts so as not to fuel her insecurity.When she call me I act as if nothing has happened.Is it right?I hope…..and I think If I am still she will soon come to see this as safe territory, and she will relax and be herself.Is that the right approach?Please help me I love her and want to get her back.Generally I try to have a limited contact with her and so does she.I mean I am not clingy or needy.She calls me once and I call her in return.She loves me I know.One day she tells very romantic words on the other she seems to be very controlling and shunning to use romantic words.Today I received a phone call.She said that we need a holiday together.I said it is OK with me.we are going to set off at the weekend.She tells If one of her best friend-a couple come with us or not?I said No problem.She also told me that she would like to have a daughter when we get married and that we should read more to solve our problems etc..

love
Nevruz

[Pink Amulet]

It sounds like your girlfriend needs some counselling. The fact that she has tried to commit suicide and as far as I can tell has not really adressed this is of utmost importance in your post.

I think you two need to really spend some serious face-to-face time to talk through the issues in your past. It sounds as though your relationship has a lot of baggage and these issues will not just go away. They need to be resolved!

I noticed several references implying you are afraid of acting weak, for fear of being labelled needy. I must say, it appears this course of action is actually fuelling insecurity in this relationship.

You need to go away together, alone. You both have to realise, relationships aren't always easy. They need time and patience (which it appears you have accepted) but they also need work, and efforts to take it to a more committed level. This will involve much more positive communication from both sides.

I think Pink's advice is dead-on. We're often told that love is all we need, but the truth is that relationships take an immense amount of mutual work to remain healthy. Whether there is strain between two lovers or by situations outside of the relationship, such as school, work, finances, or family, the relationship needs to be nurished with communication, commitment, and with a spoken and gestural appreciation toward one another. If there is true love, these things can only allow it to flourish.

You seem to have done a lot of reflecting and have come to terms with the mistakes you have made. Hopefully you fully realize what motivated you to act in that particular manner so you will be able to better recognize when or if you start doing it again. I would continue by researching common motivations for emotional and physical infidelity.

As for your girlfriend, she sounds like she's an emotionally fragile person. I only hope she's done similar reflecting to help understand why things got as comlicated as they did. If she continues to feel suicidal or overly-dependent on you, she may want to seek counseling. She should have never allowed herself to get to that negative place to begin with, regardless of whose fault it was.

If the both of you are truly putting in the work and things don't seem to be improving, it could be that you two were just not meant to be together, regardless of how much you love one another. So don't only use your heart, but use the brain as well.