First Post: God am I glad I found L.S....I need some insight!!!
Okay, so I have been browsing through fourms here for awhile, but just now set up an account. I have read through many posts that are similar to my own delimma, but I would like to post my own, since every situation is different (or is it?).
Right, so I am posting this under the OW fourm, even though I am not "technically" an OW as of yet. However, I don't know where this situation is headed, and I needed some insight from people who have been in similar situations. SO, I would like advice from OW, OM, MW, and MM (or people who are considering becoming one of the mentioned) ONLY. I have read some "advice" that is clearly hurtful, and certainly not HELPFUL lately, so if you are not in, or haven't been in a similar situation, don't bother (I don't mean to cut any openminded people out of the discussion, but I don't want people on a community fourm that is supposed to be helpful to just insult me, etc.
Okay, so here is the situation: there is a married man (with two nearly grown children) whom I work with, and whom I have befriended. He is quite a bit older than me, and is always saying he could be my father (which, in all honesty, he could be, but that doesn't matter to me). We have been friends for a while. I don't work directly with him, but he comes in occasionally. Here recently we have become closer. I eat lunch with him, we talk about our days, he calls me, I occasionally call him, etc. Here recently he has brought it to my attention that he would like for me to kiss him. So today we nearly did, but neither of us could bring ourselves to do it. Anyway, so I have heard stories about him and the other office girls (speaking of which, they don't really care for me at the moment because he comes over to talk to me, and not them anymore); one girl quit because (supposedly) she wanted to sleep with him, and he refused. Also, he is still really good friends with someone else who use to work there (whom I have never met). Thus far, he has (to my knowledge) been really honest with me. If I tell him he is doing something I don't like (leaving for business when we are supposed to have lunch), he says, "Well, I don't see what say you have in the matter," or something to that degree (of course, I'll call him out on being a jackass, and he will admit it, but bring up the "I'm older than you, so I have more say" card). So, he certainly doesn't try to "sugar-coat" things. Anyway, I have asked him about this girl whom he use to work with, and whom he is friends with, and he has been honest about everything (to my knowledge). However, I haven't asked him if he ever had a relationship with her...honestly, I don't think I want to know.
So, I guess I just don't know what to do. I can see where this relationship is going, which is why I am posting in the OW fourm. However, I don't want to have an affair with a married man! Especially one who has been married for so long, with children (much older, but still). I mean, he seems so genuine, but so do all conartists, right? I really trust him, and love him as a friend; I think he would die for his friends. But I don't trust him as a significant other. I am pretty sure he has cheated on his wife before (I am not so nieve that I believe I am the first pretty girl that he has seduced in 20-some years of marriage). However, I can't help but like him. We are friends...and honestly, though rationally speaking I don't want to have a relationship with him, on an emotional, more animalistic level, I do. I really really really do. He loves women so much; it is funny. He is always going on about pretty girls (actors, real women, etc.). So, I KNOW where I stand with him on THAT level. Anyway, I do like him as a friend, and wouldn't mind benifits maybe...I don't know. This is the part where I need some advice: What the hell do I do? Kiss him (we know where that will lead)? Just talk to him? Cut him off? Where do these relationships usually end up? HELP!
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You've gotta laugh at life; if not, you'll die crying.
on an emotional, more animalistic level, I do. I really really really do.
Understand that biological 'animalistic' bit of you will be every bit as happy with some other guy who's not married. That's the part of you that only wants you to procreate. So move on, find another guy who gets you going who's not married, and indulge yourself all you want - happily and without a nasty outcome looming over you.
The reason everything feels right, is because he is working hard to make everything feel right. This isn't two innocents meeting and falling in love, this is an experience older man running a very sophistocated game on you.
Unless he is Bill Gates, the next time he starts giving you the "I want to kiss" game, give him the cold shoulder. When he asks you how you you could be so mean, tell him you are pretending that you are his wife. And no, you aren't going to like the mad/sad look he gives you then, but do it anyway.
He is just like a cute little puppy that you just have to pet and take home with you. After keeping him around for a days, you'll realize he had rabies when you wake up one morning and he is growling at you with saliva running down his chin.
Firstly, getting involved in an A is always difficult... no matter on what level you try to see it, try to rationalise it, try to prevent yourself getting hurt... even if the MM concerned is the nicest, kindest, most understanding man in the world, whose M is in tatters and is about to leave, even if he loves you with all his being and hates what this is doing to you... you WILL STILL go through the most gut-wrenching, horrible, traumatic, soul-destroying period of your life, and walk away battered. EVEN if you're the strongest woman that ever walked the planet, I do believe that EVEN if he leaves, and it all works out, there will be scars for both of you.
Secondly, this MM you're describing... you've already listed a dozen red flags, several dislikeable thigs about him (I don't need to point out which ones!) and you already know that he's not worth a second look. Not really. Not when you get past all the flirty, fun things... all those smouldering looks, and his being patient and taking things slowly and not quite kissing you. He's got a reputation. He already has messed around with other women... that's obvious. He knows how to work it... he 'loves women'... yeah, spends a lot of time studying their reactions so he knows the 'right thing to say'. Just thinking about him is making my flesh crawl, and I'm not exaggerating.
Thirdly, you work with him. Take a look at the stories of some of the OW on here who had an affair at work. Try to imagine going NC with him when it's all over. READ about how hard that is. And it will end. And his attitude will be disgusting... he won't respect you, just as he already doesn't respect you. You're right, he IS a jackass. And when the affair ends he will behave like a jackass.
And you will wish you'd never set eyes on him.
Do yourself a favour and tell him you're not interested.
Last edited by Sami_D; 28th June 2006 at 7:57 AM..
The reason everything feels right, is because he is working hard to make everything feel right. This isn't two innocents meeting and falling in love, this is an experience older man running a very sophistocated game on you
You hit the nail on the head. Magister is Soooo right, its a game. Game of seduction he has mastered. Like you said, this is not the first time he has seduced a young women. And from the sounds of it, your going to be another notch on his list at the office. Do you want to be one of those bitter girls that are hateing on you when the next young, cute conquest starts working there and your watch from the sidelines? You are feeling everything he wants you to feel, this is planned and he is watching you fall into his trap. Recongnize the game, becareful, and good luck.
SO, I would like advice from OW, OM, MW, and MM (or people who are considering becoming one of the mentioned) ONLY. I have read some "advice" that is clearly hurtful, and certainly not HELPFUL lately, so if you are not in, or haven't been in a similar situation, don't bother (I don't mean to cut any openminded people out of the discussion, but I don't want people on a community fourm that is supposed to be helpful to just insult me, etc.
you can't request specific posters to be the only posters. that being said, it sounds like this guy is a manipulative creep and you know it. the only one who can stop it is you. i hope you have some real life support to get through this ordeal, because though it won't be easy, it has to be done for your own self-respect and sanity. good luck and welcome to loveshack!
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I'll refer to my fiance as Bob. His name is not Bob, it's just easier that way.
You hit the nail on the head. Magister is Soooo right, its a game. Game of seduction he has mastered. Like you said, this is not the first time he has seduced a young women. And from the sounds of it, your going to be another notch on his list at the office. Do you want to be one of those bitter girls that are hateing on you when the next young, cute conquest starts working there and your watch from the sidelines? You are feeling everything he wants you to feel, this is planned and he is watching you fall into his trap. Recongnize the game, becareful, and good luck.
This is absolutely correct!!! Nothing would ever come from this except the joy this man would get from conquering yet another young office worker. He will after that, drop you for the next new woman who comes along and you will feel used. I know you think you want "benefits" from this guy but trust me (from the way you already sound) you will fall in love with him and he will and would never leave his wife and family. Meanwhile, you'll be sitting at work watching him run the same old tired game on another new woman. Leave him alone now to avoid having a reputation at work, maybe losing your job or having to find another one, and most certainly heartbreak and embarassment in the end. Yes you are naive, but we all are at some point. Lucky you found LS to set you straight. Good Luck!
This is a no good situation. As much as I hate admitting this...I am STILL an OW. I tried to end it.....6 months without seeing him...now 3 times in just over a week. I wonder how much more I can take....I already feel like I am going insane. Literally losing my mind.
Stop now while you have a chance. My A started out as just sex....I am a Flight Attendant, he's a Pilot..we were on a layover. It was just the alcohol paired with the free hotel room and a little chemistry. It was soooo incredible we decided we'd do it again..and again...and again. Until oneday we didn't have sex. We just hung out then went to bed. We slept together. Then one day he poured his heart out to me. And I did it in return. So you cannot say that it will be just for the sex. At least I couldn't.
Please just save yourself. Continue the good working relationship. And leave it there.
He is just like a cute little puppy that you just have to pet and take home with you. After keeping him around for a days, you'll realize he had rabies when you wake up one morning and he is growling at you with saliva running down his chin.
Hahahaha, that is funny. I have the best visuals...
Thank you all for your replies. I asked him today whether or not he has had an affair, and his response was, "Not yet." He told me he has nearly had an affair three times (in twenty-five years), but couldn't go through with it because he kept thinking of his children, and he was affraid of getting caught. So, he has been honest thus far, why shouldn't I believe him now, right?
I don't know. I am not thinking clearly. I don't know what I want, so until I do, I am going to just stay friends with him.
Thank you all for your replies. I asked him today whether or not he has had an affair, and his response was, "Not yet." He told me he has nearly had an affair three times (in twenty-five years), but couldn't go through with it because he kept thinking of his children, and he was affraid of getting caught. So, he has been honest thus far, why shouldn't I believe him now, right?
I don't know. I am not thinking clearly. I don't know what I want, so until I do, I am going to just stay friends with him.
Thank you all for your replies. I asked him today whether or not he has had an affair, and his response was, "Not yet." He told me he has nearly had an affair three times (in twenty-five years), but couldn't go through with it because he kept thinking of his children, and he was affraid of getting caught. So, he has been honest thus far, why shouldn't I believe him now, right?
I don't know. I am not thinking clearly. I don't know what I want, so until I do, I am going to just stay friends with him.
You're dan straight you aren't thinking clearly.
This is not a 15 year old schoolgirl's husband your messing around with here. This is a mature woman. She has raised two children. She knows what it is like to feel that drug called Power pumping through her veins. She is not going to turn into some whiney; Oprah, let me tell you my story; lifetime-movie emotional basket case. Oh, she may at first, but it is going to wear off real fast.
I can see it as if it is happening right in front of my eyes. She is going to be sitting there in her rocking chair with the tears streaming down her face and then that 23rd psalm is going to jump into her mind. "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over." As the psalm comes to its conclusion, she is going to dry her eyes, get up, and...
And, well I don't know what she is going to do then, but for your sake, I hope she don't include you in it. You don't know this woman. You don't know what her breaking point is. Me personally, I wouldn't want to find out.
I'm just saying. There is a price to be paid for tasting the forbidden fruit. And, while you are concentrating on the payoff, it might be better instead to consider the payback. Because it could be a b***h. You never know.
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First Post: God am I glad I found L.S....I need some insight!!!
You've gotta laugh at life; if not, you'll die crying.
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