I've been lurking but am now in the position that I need some opinions:
Became close friends with a mw a couple of years ago. While feelings did develop between us they were kept in check. I WAS friends as well with her H but of course not now. After her pregnancy at some point in Late '05 her H did something that hurt her very badly both emotionally and physically. He forced her to have sex with her when she was not ready to have sex yet. He didn't do it just once, it happened twice. She still tried to be a W but that desire was gone. I begged her to go to counceling but H wouldn't do it. Needless to say, our relationship grew into something it should not have. I fought it but ultimately failed and it became an EA then a PA. Fast forward to recent. He found out about us and she finally admitted to the PA and I am now the scorn of all involved and am being blamed for the entire ordeal. She concealed the spousal rape from her family until discovery and now they don't believe her. It has caused such an emotional scarring in her that I don't know if I can hurt her by demanding NC even though I know it's necessary. They're are in counceling now but I believe it's too late. Should I be demanding with NC ? I've now lost my best friend.
I'm glad you're looking after yourself and doing counselling.
Sorry to say this, but right now if she is choosing to fix things and work on the marriage, you have to leave her alone and she has to not call you either. I'm sure it will be awful and painful, but she's making the choice to stay with a man who raped her. You can't fix her, only she can fix herself. You are not the cause of her pain, but I can understand you don't want to add to her pain by going into NC with her.
The other thing is, she allowed this affair to happen between you two, so don't shoulder all the blame here. Yes, you are responsible for your own actions, but she choose to cheat on her husband...Awful circumstances, and maybe she should have left him before choosing to cheat, but she didn't.
All I can tell you is, let her go. Keep going to therapy and fix what you feel needs to be fixed...Also...Forgive yourself too.
I attempted to initiate NC with her Tue. before she got off of work and there seemed to be an agreement that it had to be that way but since that time she's called me at least 2 times per day and while I've tried encouraging her to try to stick with it she just won't do it. She's said that she might could if we could meet just one last time and make love just once more. I'm a grown man but have cried several time over this ordeal, not just about being weak but about screwing up such a close friendship. Should I meet with her again and just not let that happen and try to talk ? or should I just start ignoring the phone calls ? God I don't want to have to deal with this.
You are in a tough situation. We all are, that is why we are here. Reaching for answers. You have got to ask her what she truly wants. If she truly wants to work things out with her H, then yes, you must then be firm with the NC.
I know for my situation (and I know yours is different), if my MM would not respond to my messages, it would be better. I might go insane...literally, but then maybe healing could begin. I think of it as unfair that he contacts me. I love it that he does....but I hate it too. And in the end, it is just plain wrong to stay involved, when it is going nowhere.
That's how I feel about it. But then again...I am crying on a daily basis. And feeling guilty about everything.
Come to think of it...our situations are similar. But it seems like in your case, you are being the strong one. I wish I had that same resolve.
she just called before leaving for home and I've agreed to meet with her tomorrow at lunch. I'm not gonna meet somewhere that would put us in the position to do anything physical and I'm gonna tell her that I'll tell her H if she keeps it up. I really hate this because my feelings for her have only gotten deeper in the last couple of days. Does that make sense to anyone ????????? Damn
she just called before leaving for home and I've agreed to meet with her tomorrow at lunch. I'm not gonna meet somewhere that would put us in the position to do anything physical and I'm gonna tell her that I'll tell her H if she keeps it up. I really hate this because my feelings for her have only gotten deeper in the last couple of days. Does that make sense to anyone ????????? Damn
I've never believed in making threats like telling her if she keeps it up, you'll tell her H. Only because, if you're just saying it and not meaning it, there's no point. If she is really bothering you and stalking you, well then yeah, maybe. But you also have even deeper feelings for her, so I think its best to explain to her why NC is best, for her and for YOU! She seems to need you as a crutch to help her get through, but if she's going to counseling with her H, NC is necessary. You can't be part of that equation. Whether you think counseling will work or not, that is what they have chosen to do, and it is up to them to be committed to it together. Therefore, like I said, you need to be out of the equation and mend your own hurts.
I've never believed in making threats like telling her if she keeps it up, you'll tell her H. Only because, if you're just saying it and not meaning it, there's no point. If she is really bothering you and stalking you, well then yeah, maybe. But you also have even deeper feelings for her, so I think its best to explain to her why NC is best, for her and for YOU! She seems to need you as a crutch to help her get through, but if she's going to counseling with her H, NC is necessary. You can't be part of that equation. Whether you think counseling will work or not, that is what they have chosen to do, and it is up to them to be committed to it together. Therefore, like I said, you need to be out of the equation and mend your own hurts.
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