[Confused Kay]

My husband (26) and I (24) have been married 9 months. I am to the point where I am ready to leave because I feel he has stepped over too many lines that one should never cross if they truly love you.
My husband has always had issues with trusting people. These issues stem from events that took place before I entered his life. I feel because he is so insecure and afraid of being abandoned that he keeps a tight leash on me whenever we’re apart. He calls me at work at least 6 times a day and constantly calls my cell phone when I am not with him. If I don’t answer it or turn it off he gets mad and thinks I have something to hide so he leaves nasty messages. He has even followed me places just to make sure I'm not lying to him. He goes through my purse and checks my cell phone messages looking for whatever he can find to prove I’m unfaithful (which I am not) but his constant thinking I’m cheating on him and his constant accusations are driving me crazy. I give him no reason not to trust me what so ever.

In the heat of an argument he’ll say mean things about my family members and later blame it on me for egging him on and making him mad enough to say these things. I feel there is some verbal abuse too since he swears a lot when he gets mad and puts me and my family down. He shows signs of the “clingy” jealous type as well as the “paranoid” jealous type. He has called my friends phones if I do not answer mine to check up on me. He feels we always need to be together and is always thinking I’m going to leave him.

]I wrote him a letter last night discussing everything I feel we need to work on and pretty much told him this is his last chance since I can’t put up with this much longer. These problems (as well as the fact that he is very hooked on chewing tobacco and seems to choose that over kissing me) are causing the affection and passion that was once there to dwindle down to nothing. I guess I’m looking for advice on when to say enough is enough and when to keep trying for the sake of the marriage and the love that was once there. I hope it can get back to where it was, but I don’t know if he can ever get over his trust/jealousy and respect issues. Any type of advice would be helpful. Thanks

[peachfuzz]

If you decide to leave him i'm sure he will be devistated. Try this, offer to do things with him being proactive about it. Like something to do with sports or even have it be go to a gamepark and ride go-carts. Something to show him that you like spending time and doing things with him not anyone else and have it be something he is remotely interested in maybe a little more than you. A small sacrifice just to show him you want to do fun things with him that he really enjoys.. fishing? Whatever it may be. He definitely has some trust issues and insecurity. I bet that will allow him internally to feel more comfortable about you and make him feel better about himself at the same time. But if you are to the point of leaving, before you get to that point please let him know things need to change then and set guidelines, sternly while being honest without a hidden adjenda hoping for his failure. Cause my wife didn't let me know and strayed to someone else at her work for 3 weeks until deciding not to come home from work. And it's the worst feeling of hurt i have ever experienced dont wish it on my worst enemy. We together for a year and she did this on our anniversary. My problem was not acknowledging her in the room and playing games. There were no arguments so i assumed alls well. But females need attention that i didn't realize they require and i took her for granted. If it gets out of hand, Tell him what you will do in retalliation up front i gaurantee it will change his act, no one ever did that to me.

[Confused Kay]

What if, because of all that's been going on, he no longer feels like my best friend. I know your partner is supposed to be your best friend and lover but in this case I lost some respect and trust because of all of our issues. He calls me so often that I get annoyed and irritable instead of excited and butterflies.

Peachfuzz good point about the hiden agenda hoping he'll fail. It hit home when you wrote that because deep down I'm hoping he fails because I feel I can no longer put up with this behavior. I've just never looked at it the way you put it. Thanks.

[CaterpillarGirl]

Wow. What a handful to deal with! One of the basic building blocks of a marriage is trust and it sounds like this is missing! If you have never given him a reason to distrust you, his behavior is way over the line. I suggest marriage counseling ASAP. You were right to put your foot down. Tolerating this behavior will only encourage it.
At this point a letter or ultimatum may bring him to his senses, but unless it's backed by a consistent committment to keep the jeolousy and mistrust at bay, it's likely he will end up repeating his behavior eventually.
If he wants to save your marriage, he needs counseling to deal with his trust issues.