Hi,

I posted a message called "hopeless ex" on Aug 9th, and then "having a break" on Aug 15th.

As someone who once wondered if she was too selfish/busy to have children of her own, I've wound up in the worst possible relationship. I do love him though. Rather than bore you here, please if you have the time read the above mentioned posts do so, and then the one posted before this one from me - Kerrie.

If I need a kick up the ass, give it to me.

Thanks,

Kerrie

Hi Kerrie,

I read over your posts and come away with a sense of "blame" wholly to the trashy woman, rather than your bf. YOu seem very defensive, or seem to emphasize, that he was "tricked" into this by her, well....yes he was, but she couldn't have been THAT trashy if she was an "acquaintance" of your bf's at that time or that he had sex with her. How would you feel about the situation if she was an upstanding, professional woman???

I think you also need to look at it from the aspect that your bf is an "enabler".....this woman will NOT change if she has no reason....hm...do you think she already knew what a "nice" guy your bf was? I would think so.

I dated a man who was still financially tied to his ex as well...not children mind you, but propertywise. Let me tell you, the guys who don't put their foot down will kill you emotionally. My ex didn't want to hurt her, didn't want to hurt me, didn't want to risk losing the property, etc. Bottomline: as long as they are tied to an ex (whether one night stand or what), they will NEVER truly have 100% to give you. YOur bf is CHOOSING to give this woman money, time, attention, etc. She is NOT MAKING him do this. Sure, he's a swell guy...but a swell guy with no boundaries and who perhaps doesn't know how to say "no"---maybe his inability to say "no" is why he is where he is today???

I don't think you are being selfish at all. YOur resentment will only continue to grow, not ease, until a change takes place, a drastic change in the routine. Why can't your bf get normal visitation rights with his daughter and court-ordered financial help. Some people I know are required to show receipts, almost like an expense report, to the other party and then get reimbursed. Or, if she is not capable financially of feeding/clothing the daughter, then you bf should fight for custody.

Bottomline: whether or not your bf was "tricked" into being a dad, he is one and always will be. He will ALWAYS have some contact with this woman, always!!! It's HIS choice/responsiblity on how he handles that, not the "trashy" woman's, not yours. It's solely his choice!!! If you feel it's too much, than it becomes YOUR choice on to stay or leave.

Good luck

[Tony T]

I think Rockygirl has made some great points here!!! This trashygirl sure is getting her way with your boyfriend.

I think your boyfriend is too nice to abandon the child he helped create...but he needs to downgrade his roll in this drama, take care of the child, etc. But it's his life, not yours. He has to be at peace with himself in whatever he does.

And you have to be at peace with whatever decision you make.

Rockygirl put a great perspective on this.

I think Rockygirl has made some great points here!!! This trashygirl sure is getting her way with your boyfriend. I think your boyfriend is too nice to abandon the child he helped create...but he needs to downgrade his roll in this drama, take care of the child, etc. But it's his life, not yours. He has to be at peace with himself in whatever he does. And you have to be at peace with whatever decision you make. Rockygirl put a great perspective on this.

Lots of good points by all. It would be great if it were just my problem and I only had to decide how I handle it, but he needs to decide for himself what is the appropriate ways to set boundaries. Hopefully he will get there and, as one of yo usaid (rockygirl??), the best thing I can do is gently support him.

Rockygirl, you asked if I would feel better if the mother weren't so "trashy". Yes, I would because chances are she would be a woman who put her childs financial welfare before hers. Plus, she might get a job one day. This woman has never worked a day in her life and never will and we will always be financially vulnerable to her because of this.

What frustrated me more than anything when this situation started was talking to my single mum girlfriends and each of them have been nothing less than honourable when it comes to the father. One gets absolutely no support from the dad and receives the same amount as this trashy woman from the government (less the $150 a week from a guy), yet her kids are kept active with all sorts of extra curricular events. I guess that is the main issue for me, the fact that he was unlucky enough to get caught out by someone so greedy. I don't think anybody can say my guy is slack with the money he gives - $150 a week. I feel that a "professional" woman would have the brains to work out that the man is giving more than his fair share and that it would be wrong to chase anyone - his mum, his grandma, him - for extra money.

Anyway, we took the daughter out last night and I've decided that the only way I will keep my sanity is to focus on her, not go in and see the toothless money grabbing woman, and just try and stay objective. I also believe things happen for a reason and rather than trying to work out what I am meant to learn from this nightmare, I am now looking at me coming into this situation as being for the child. At least her father and I can show her that not all girls start having children at sixteen (I have good friends who have been through this so please don't think I am being judgmental) and continue to have children to loads of different men. The one thing I will be teaching tony's daughter is how to take her contraceptive pill properly because mum and her friends obviously don't understand that concept!

I just have to have faith that, as time goes on, Tracey will learn to grow up and be responsible for herself and her children. And, if it doesn't work out that way, I guess that, as much as it will break my heart, I can always leave knowing I've seen the situation play out.

Also, someone mentioned it could have been an accident. She admits that she lied....you'd think she would at least have enough of a brain to not admit it as that admission has put a thorn in a lot of peoples side. Her attitude was basically "so what, I lied. it's happened and you owe me now. I;m on welfare so if you don't give me money I'll chase you thru the government". She is pretty blatant about being so lame!

Thanks to all for their wonderful input!

Cheers,

Kerrie