[worldupsidedown]

Dear LoveShack,

Something very unreal happened to me today and I am curious as to whether it was ethical or not.

My wife and I have been experiencing marital problems for 5 years. 3 years ago we moved out to CA from IL with our two children to be in a place we all be happy but thats where other problems started. My job changed twice, once due to a closure and once due to a personality conflict with my boss (which is very rare for me). My wife offered little or no support and I became very withdrawn from our relationship and focused all my attention on improving my job situation and fixing up the house. I am now on job number 3 working with some old friends and its way way more relaxing and I am thinking now its time to work on the relationship - but thats just when my wife delivered those fateful words - I want a divorce (1 month ago). I then proceeded to load myself up with self help books and seek counseling.

To the root of my posting - My wife didn't like the first counselor so she got her own referral. I went along by myself the first time, the woman seemed very insightful and I thought this is going to be helpful and seeing that my wife was not attending she concentrated on the childhood baggage etc that is brought into a marriage. My wife attended the next session, the counselor took her to a private room and then called me in 40 mins later. The counselors first words were "This woman is done and needs a divorce!". I was truly amazed at how quickly this decision was arrived at and was expecting her to at least encourage us to try to resolve things. I am deeply in love with my wife and cannot bear to think of her and the children moving away.

Should I just accept things or go and seek out another marriage counselor, go for a trial separation etc? :0

[Outcast]

You can't ignore someone for a long time and expect love to flourish. Love is a living thing; it requires nourishment and attention. Like a plant, it'll die of neglect and when it's dead, it's dead. I've read an awful lot of posts from people like you who ignored their marriages for a long time for whatever reason and then expected that the love should remain strong. A dead plant won't live again no matter how much water you pour on it - same goes for a dead marriage.

If you ever marry again remember the marriage has to come first.

[DesperateDad]

Don't give up hope yet! I'm in a similar situation (about 2 months since I heard 'love, but not IN love') and my wife and I are at least in a stable situation where we have agreed to stay together for the children, if only for the time being. Things aren't exactly great, but we're not fighting any more and our home is stable and peaceful.

Obviously, everyone's situation is different, but I would definitely spend some time looking at the marriagebuilders website and also google 'walk away wife syndrome.' You may not be able to salvage things (and I still might not, either), but hopefully you'll be able to understand better what's going on and come out of things as a better person. Others on this board have been extremely helpful to me with their advice, too. Good luck!

Thanks for your kind words. Things have calmed down a lot and my wife explained why she is so angry and chewed off the counselors ear about every single thing I had done wrong in the marriage. She is very good at holding on to every single bad event and in my opinion her anger has completely distorted her view on the past and can easily convince most people who don't know me that I am a 'bad' husband.

My wife said she is not angry with me directly but more with herself, she is furious that immediately after she calmly asked for a divorce one month ago I have been able to change my behavior around in a 180 and regrets that this didn't start 3 years ago (me too). Up until then she would only demand that I get counseling on the end of one of her rantings, I was totally consumed by a messed up job situation and the burden of fixing up a house that I just withdrew. The more she nagged the more I withdrew and I became very resentful of her lack of appreciation and sunk into a depressed state of mind. The more she shouted at me the worse it got and increased my tendency to approach marriage, work and fixing up the house in a serial fashion with marriage firmly on the back burner. This I suppose is a typical male response to a problem and one valuable lesson that I have learned.

The good news is that she is picked up the phone and called a different therapist yesterday. The last one was just too aggressive and seemed to pride herself on her handling of separations with the slickness of a lawyer and had little interest in helping us turn our marriage around. I have asked my wife that we don't repeat our mistake with the next councelor, in that we don't interview separately first as we have been unable to get to the next stage where we can talk in front of the counselor. Instead, I asked that for the first visit we both go in together and talk about the future and its problems and not dwell on the past any more. I have been amazed at the variety in counseling techniques from the damn right aggressive to the totally passive, I think we need a happy medium with an unbiased viewpoint.

Thanks again, its great to talk to people in a similar situation and this website is a good soure of inspiration for me.