Husband and I talked today, after months of disagreements and misunderstandings and just general messiness. We have finally made a decision to separate for *one* month, to get our heads on straight and figure out what it really is that we want for our marriage. I will go to stay with a friend, and then will move back home at the end of the month. At that point, we will start seeing a therapist and comitt to one year with a therapist before we make any decision about our marriage ending or continuing. The reason for the one month separation is for us to really slow things down and difuse a lot of the anger and hurt feelings that we have both had recently. We both love each other immensely and admit that we are just tired of hurting each other and not understanding each other.

Has anyone ever tried anything like this? Does therapy work? Do trial separations work? Or are we just kidding ourselves?

[SoleMate]

I've not tried it myself. I would step VERY carefully if I were you. The space, peace and quiet, relief from conflict, etc. sound great, but I believe that you must consider the following - at least as possibilities:

* You both may have different assumptions and goals
* One party may consider this as a step to divorce
* One party may see this as a way to chase or spend time with a member of the opposite sex
* One party may be doing "pre-divorce financial planning"
* One or both may be tempted to have a PA or EA
* The peace and quiet may feel so good that one or both lose incentive to get together again (thus basing a longterm decision on short-term factors)

In general, unless there is some EXTREME situation, I recommend that people in troubled marriages stay IN the marriage to work on it.

I wish therapy worked. Maybe sometimes it helps, but I am afraid that a lot of marriage counselors are working blind and charging $200 an hour for it. I've been to SO MUCH couples counseling, but have gottena lot more out of my reading and talking to people than from the counselors. There is a real shortage of understanding among counselors as to what makes a marriage work. HINT: It ain't communication.

I recommend His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley (WH) as the single best book for building a marriage that feels great to both partners. When marriage feels good, you know that the partners are unlikely to leave. WH defines the Love Bank model. When you are separated, it's true you can't make withdrawals from your Love Bank (e.g. by fighting, criticizing, rejecting) but then you can't make deposits either (affection, conversation, recreation, looking good for each other, sex, etc.). To be happy, you both need to have high positive balances with the other person.

In case one of you suffers from depression, which causes a large fraction of marital unhappiness IMO, you should see The Feeling Good Handbook by David Burns. Like the Harley book, it is evidence-based, clear, practical, and most of all EFFECTIVE! Check out the big online bookseller for reviews of both.

Bottom line: Please reconsider separation, and use books instead of expensive, ineffective counselors.