Actually....I've suspected for a while and have been gathering information. I now have text messages, a condom and viagra. I plan to confront him when he gets home, which will be very soon. How do I do it? Do I ask first and see what he says? Do I show him the evidence right up front? We have been marriage for 11 years and are both in our 50's. We just bought a new house and are due to move next week. I don't know what to do! I am so confused and hurt and mad and....welll....everything. Please help. How do I approach this? Do I leave right away....how do I deal with this?

[Chump64]

I am so sorry you are in this situation. I hope you are taking care of yourself.

Don't leave right away. He should be the one to go, if anyone leaves. Give it some time to figure out what you want. But don't let him sleep in your bed, assuming you both stay in the house. (This is what we did as we have kids ages 14, 12 and 4, and didn't want to disrupt their lives.)

I can't tell you what to do. I can only tell you what I did.

I talked to an attorney, a counselor and a few very close friends before confronting him. I had a thick envelope of evidence. I invited him to lunch on his birthday - - and busted him. I told him I was giving him a one-time chance to fix things or get the eff out, that day. I was prepared to take him to the courthouse to sign divorce papers.

He wanted to save the marriage. I gave him a list of my requirements, such as handing over all passwords, being accountable any time he's away from home, not being alone with other women (even friends), and getting a new job (he and the other woman work in the same building). I fudged on that one though since his office is moving to a new building shortly, and he does a very specific type of work that makes it diifficult to get a new job. I demanded all info about the affair and told him that if he lied about any of it, I'd be done. Stuff like that.

Get what you want out of the situation. If you want to make it work, lay down the law. If he balks, give serious consideration to leaving.

Copy all tax documents for as far back as you can find them. Also copy all papers that document any joint assets, including your home. Sometimes people get nasty and start hoarding joint assets and money if they think the spouse is leaving. This can all be reclaimed but it does take time. Have a credit card in your own name or some cash set aside in case your spouse freaks out and hoards your money.

I hope it goes as smoothly as possible.

I also sent a memo to the OW in my situation, at the same time I met with him, telling her the jig was up and that she needed to tell her husband before I did. Then I followed thru. If your husband's mistress is married, that person has to know. Affairs thrive in secrecy and if it's going to stop, everyone needs to know the score.

Good luck to you.

[whichwayisup]

Actually....I've suspected for a while and have been gathering information. I now have text messages, a condom and viagra. I plan to confront him when he gets home, which will be very soon. How do I do it? Do I ask first and see what he says? Do I show him the evidence right up front? We have been marriage for 11 years and are both in our 50's. We just bought a new house and are due to move next week. I don't know what to do! I am so confused and hurt and mad and....welll....everything. Please help. How do I approach this? Do I leave right away....how do I deal with this?

Ouch.

First of all, I'm sorry he did this to you. What a schmuck!

My suggestion is, go talk to a therapist. Your whole world has been turned upside down, everything you believed in, your vows, your marriage, your love and trust for your husband is now GONE thanks to HIS cheating. This isn't your fault. He chose to go and cheat. Please, don't internalize this - Or try not to.

Do you love him enough to give him another chance? If he ends it? And promises NEVER to contact the OW and goes to marriage counselling with you? With the help of therapy, both alone and together, hopefully you can decide what to do.

Also, find out if the OW is married. If she is, TELL HER HUSBAND what is going on between your husband and his wife. Some say it's a way of completely ending their affair, making it out in the open so BOTH spouses are watching and making sure that they aren't keeping intouch.

I am going to find a link for you to read, it's a LONG thread, but worth reading.

[whichwayisup]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t40398/

DazednConfused's thread. I hope it helps. Maybe print it out and let your husband read it as well. Maybe he'll understand the selfishness of his actions and the damage it's caused you and the marriage.