[panthera_leo]

Ok bit weird... thought he'd gone..fallen off the face of the earth....but no.

He sent me a myspace message... "Hi i know its been a long time, just wondering if you want to talk. i'd like to be mates".

I spoke to him for a while. I dont think he wants me back, i think he genuinely wants to be friends. I showed him that i was strong, told him about all the fun i'd been up to

Surprisingly, after talking to him I feel much stronger I was starting to hide behind NC and i wasn't feeling good.. at all!

I dont think i'll talk to him alot... just a message every now and then. He can initiate it all. I still care for him, but im not in love with him. Maybe talking to your ex is a good idea after the feelings have settled, i know it was in my case.

Only after talking to him I have realised how much progress i have made...and that i really dont need him anymore!

[riobikini]

re:

Panthera Leo: " Maybe talking to your ex is a good idea after the feelings have settled, i know it was in my case.

Only after talking to him I have realised how much progress i have made...and that i really don't need him anymore!"

PL, I'm almost afraid to post my agreement with your statement, above, -because I look around the boards and I see so many who are presently still in such a state of delusion, and who are still so heartbroken, that they almost qualify as 'sitting ducks' waiting for such a statement to encourage them to make a v-e-r-y wrong move and follow through with what they *think* might apply to their own circumstances.

Fact is, -what you say is true: contact, in *some* cases is good , -but *only when the feelings have truly settled*- it *can* be very liberating, and turn out to be the much-needed 'mirror' that produces a reflection showing how much you've changed ( i. e. how far advanced you've grown in regards to 'needing' that particular relationship).

The strength, confidence, assurance that the break wound up being a good thing for you, after all, and the unexpected vindication of harbored emotions you can get from all that *is priceless* -and the discovery of your changes gives you a clear mental reference to a place you can point to and say, "Here's where I got definite closure, -and freedom".

Everyone doesn't need it, but some will languish in a 'no-where zone' until they get it.

I congratulate you on the discovery of your strengths, your personal changes, and most of all, -your *freedom* from a hurtful relationship.

Happy Memorial Day! -and, now, you have much more to celebrate during the week-end!

(Smile)

Take care.

-Rio

[panthera_leo]

Thank you for your post Rio. Yes i should have emphasised the fact that it is only beneficial to talk to your ex in *some* situations. I think if you're still in the stage when your hoping for their return.. you really need to stay with NC... for your own sake. Don't even respond to messages from the ex.

I have to admit, i did miss him alot, i wasn't hoping for him to come back but i still cared for him. Hiding behind NC just made me wonder what he was thinking. It became obsessive. But now I just feel so much stronger, it feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

I feel free now and all it took was one message from him. Under NO circumstances would i initiate contact.

As i said, obviously this doesn't apply to all situations. Instead of making you realise how far you have come, it may knock you back...in a big way. So im not encouraging breaking the no contact rule.

[bendit]

Everyone feels good in the immediate "afterglow" of contact. I have seen it over and over where people contact and then say I AM GLAD I DID. IT FEELS SO GOOD. But I would reserve judgement on how you feel until a month has passed. The negative effects of renewed contact show up after the initial euphoria wears off. The truth is we break contact because we need a FIX of them and not because its good for us. You are using the typical rationalization that most everyone uses when they break contact. You wanted to stop "hiding" from him. Our mind will tell us what we WANT to hear and it will provide all the rationalization we need to allow us to get our fix of THEM. I suspect once the afterglow of your fix fades, REALITY will BITE. The only problem is that when it does, the original poster never comes around to tell us how awful they feel. They are too depressed. You may well be one of the exceptions. Best of luck.

regards

[riobikini]

Great aspect for consideration out of this frequently-posing dilemma, Bendit.

I concur.

-Rio

[panthera_leo]

Originally Posted by bendit

Everyone feels good in the immediate "afterglow" of contact. I have seen it over and over where people contact and then say I AM GLAD I DID. IT FEELS SO GOOD. But I would reserve judgement on how you feel until a month has passed. The negative effects of renewed contact show up after the initial euphoria wears off. The truth is we break contact because we need a FIX of them and not because its good for us. You are using the typical rationalization that most everyone uses when they break contact. You wanted to stop "hiding" from him. Our mind will tell us what we WANT to hear and it will provide all the rationalization we need to allow us to get our fix of THEM. I suspect once the afterglow of your fix fades, REALITY will BITE. The only problem is that when it does, the original poster never comes around to tell us how awful they feel. They are too depressed. You may well be one of the exceptions. Best of luck.

regards

Thank for your post Bendit. Yes i agree with you. Maybe in a month i will be feeling alot worse. Who knows - but all i know is that at some point.. this was going to happen and i didn't think i could deal with it, but guess what, i have.

It did feel good to talk to him - but do remember it was not I who initiated contact. I have no reason to talk to him. No doubt we will talk again - im not hoping for it, im not ignoring him, im not closing the door on our friendship, im not falling at his feet, i dont want him back, im just *there*.

ATM i feel like a huge weight has been lifted. I feel like all the sh*t in my life is levelling out. Not just issues with my ex boyfriend, but others also. I figure, after all i've been through these past few months... i dont think anything could quite compare. The only way is forward.

I'll keep you updated on my progress