Well, I'm to be married in a few weeks. A couple nights ago I engaged in oral sex with a married man (although we stopped before we "finished" the deed). There is no need to tell me this was wrong. I know all of these things.
I'm suprised about how little I understood about infidelity. I never grasped how complicated it could be. I love my fiance, about that I have no doubt. This is where if I were reading this, I would scoff. How could I love him? I cheated. I was so naive about how these things work. The human brain/heart/hormones are such untamed things.
Why did I cheat? I don't know. I suppose I have cold feet. But the truth of the matter is, I wanted to. I met a man for which there was a mutual attraction, he acted on it, and I followed. I wanted him, he offered himself, and I was selfish enough to take him. That is the truth.
Now, I never imagined that I was the type of person that could do this. Of course I always assumed that even if by some crazy twist of fate I did, the guilt would kill me. It doesn't. I don't even feel a little bit guilty. That is what scares me the most. I know I'm not in love with this guy, and don't want to plan a future with him, so what's a little fooling around?
I don't want to hurt my fiance, I really don't. I always believed that people who cheat that say that are lying to themselves. What they really don't want is not to get hurt themselves. And no, of course I don't want any of the consequences that would come along with it. But what would crush me, is knowing he was in pain.
I also always agreed with the "you've already hurt him". But that isn't true at all. He's very happy. I may have already betrayed him, but he isn't in pain unless he knows.
The common statement, "If you loved him you wouldn't..." I do love him and I did. If I'm honest with myself, I can see it happening again. I want this other man physically and intellectually, but not seriously. I know these feelings are unfair to my fiance. They seem to me more powerful than my level of control. But they are only lust. I just never realized how powerful lust is.
I don't know what my question is. I never dreamed I would be here, and I certainly thought it would be different. Does anyone else seem overtaken by the reality of the feelings surrounding an affair when compared to what the common conception is?
AlmostMarried, thanks for your candid post. Most cheaters that post on LoveShack live in denial, and claim that it just happened, that is was nothing serious or that oral sex is not sex (many thanks for the last phrase to Knowhowlovefeels, who made me laugh big time). Or they simply blame their SOs for affairs.
AlmostMarried, thanks for your candid post. Most cheaters that post on LoveShack live in denial, and claim that it just happened, that is was nothing serious or that oral sex is not sex (many thanks for the last phrase to Knowhowlovefeels, who made me laugh big time). Or they simply blame their SOs for affairs.
I only have reason to be candid. I wish I could talk to my best friend about this, but that would be my STBH. Here there is no reason to lie. So what if everyone here hates me. If this helps me to be honest with myself, then I've gained something. I don't really understand what's going on in my head/heart/hormones. I'd like to, but I'm not sure that's a realistic goal. And if I don't understand it, how do I explain it? I guess I can't. I can only say what I'm thinking and feeling at any given moment.
And yes, oral sex is sex. Although I'm sure that I could've gotten "real" sex if I had been willing, but I wasn't. I'd like to say that we stopped in midstream because of the guilt, but as I posted last night, there isn't really very much there, and there certainly wasn't any in the heat of the moment. We stopped because of fear of being discovered. That and we were drunk, and I knew that if I was going to go through with it, I wanted to be able to remember every detail, and not have the ability to "blame it on the alcohol".
Well if nothing else, at least you're honest.
Most people sit around in B.S. land trying to gather sympathy points from others knowing they flat out did somebody wrong.
I really think most people refuse to see their story straight.
They don't wanna really look inside & know why they do what they do. So we get all kinds of rationalizations that hold up about as well as a Bounty paper towel trying to absorb the Niagara Falls.
Quotes like these let me know you're not so scared to look within & assess your being:
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Why did I cheat? I don't know. I suppose I have cold feet. But the truth of the matter is, I wanted to. I met a man for which there was a mutual attraction, he acted on it, and I followed. I wanted him, he offered himself, and I was selfish enough to take him. That is the truth.
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Now, I never imagined that I was the type of person that could do this. Of course I always assumed that even if by some crazy twist of fate I did, the guilt would kill me. It doesn't. I don't even feel a little bit guilty.
Those quotes are from a person who can look inside not flinch at what she sees. It is the purest form of truth to be able to see things like that.
They denote someone who is able to take responsibility for her own actions instead of looking for someone to give a green light on why she was able to do what she did.
That is rare in this world of persona, the masks. We even mask ourselves FROM ourselves. That is commendable & refreshing to see someone who can look inside & be fully honest with themselves.
Now I'm just a run-of-the-mill message board poster with an opinion like everyone else so take my words for gold or garbage if you'd like...but this is what I advise:
Don't get married to this man, your fiance.
Your words don't match your actions. You may not love him as much as you think you do. It really IS that simple.
Unlike the bonds between parent & child and even family member to family member the bond between man & woman in matters of love is not very bankable. You hear stories all the time of people falling out of love so easily.
If the bond was so strong, you wouldn't see so many stories of infidelity, jealousy & Other Woman/Other Man.
The truth of the matter is people are not normally or naturally able to live/love/lust a lifetime with only one person. Those that do made a conscious override command in the brain to suppress that biological reality. A biological reality because it allows one to mate with another should their current partner pass away or disappear. This is the reason why we can find a host of variant people attractive while being bonded to one.
At best the bond lasts for a short while: either in months or a small number of years. Any relationship that lasts beyond that is founded in friendship. The ultimate friends with benefits. Nobody on the man/woman type of bond can truly bond forever.
I think the problem is people think they HAVE to get married. They are fulfilling societal/familial expectations that betray the true person they are inside & that's how all this confusion comes about.
AlmostMarried, you don't HAVE to get married just because someone else says so or expects it. Or if you've convinced yourself that that is what you are supposed to do.
I wish people would understand this: EVERYBODY DOESN'T HAVE TO GET MARRIED. NOR SHOULD THEY.
Some people are more monogamous than polygamous (polyamorous). And some are more polygamous (polyamorous) than monogamous. It's all a spectrum like that rainbow. YOUR task is to figure out where you stand in that spectrum & create your relationships accordingly.
You have to look inside & ask yourself to the core base of honesty what you are looking for in life. What you look for in mates & what you want them to provide for you. Is lust the motivator of your actions or is longing for security the motivator? Or if neither, what IS the motivator? You will know by what excites you the most.
If you want nothing but sex, then that's OK.
If you like the materials of the world or if you want children or if you want workplace success or if you want leisure....Whatever.
If you want a man for short-term relations or long-term relations. Do you want one man only or do you want a team of men in relations? Do you want one man only for a span of a few months then another for another few months? Do you want two or three at a time?
Whatever it is you seek there's an avenue in society to practice it.
And don't feel shame & guilt for knowing what your motivation for living is.
As Popeye says, "I yam what I yam & that's all what I yam."
The only thing is not to prevent this fiance from finding one who fits what HE'S looking for by fooling him & yourself about the integrity of your relationship. That's all.
Reevaluate your inner being & find out what makes her tick.
Are you ambivalent about letting go of this engagement because you deep down want to keep this fiance as a backup, an insurance plan? Or is out of fear of being alone? Or is it out of fear of disappointing the expectations of the families? Or is it because he fulfills a 'security' role that will provide a stable roof over your head? Or is it because you misassessed your feelings for the man & don't want to deflate his balloon? Or is it simply pure ego (he shall never have nobody else if he's not with me)?
It gets less & less painful the more you look inside and choose to be honest with yourself.
It's good you do this now before you tie this man up in a contract of marriage.
There's nothing to lose but a broken heart that can & will be healed in the future. Better now than after 15 years & you come to the same conclusion as this post you made.
It will show your respect & concern for the man if you level with him & break it off now before it goes too far.
That's my take on it. Choose to do with it what you will.
The world would run so much more smoothly if people were just more honest with themselves.
You have the capability & I know you are able to make the correct decision.
John Lucas
P.S.: And I don't hate you. I just want you to be real with yourself for both yours & your fiance's sake. There's too much of these types of stories going around & hopefully my words prevented another one.
Last edited by johnlucas; 21st May 2006 at 12:42 PM..
Much as you love your fiance -- and I believe you do love him -- there is something massively wrong in your relationship with him. There is something missing. Having cold feet about getting married is enough to stop you from getting married to somebody you're devoted to and deeply in love with. It's NOT enough, on its own, to make you cheat on them with somebody else.
Cheating, in most situations, occurs because the cheater isn't happy about some component of their relationship. The MM in your situation gave you something you were lacking, something you're not getting from your fiance. Whatever that is, you're not going to stop wanting or needing it just because you're married. Sorry to say, but marriage is notoriously (and perhaps surprisingly) ineffective at stopping people from doing things they shouldn't do.
And it sounds like your fiance is completely in the dark about what you want or need in this regard. For his sake at least, you need to postpone the wedding. And, I think you need to come clean with him. He has the right to make decisions about his own future armed with all the information. Unfortunately, one of those bits of info is the fact that his fiancee cheated on him. This may mean that he decides he can't marry you. Which would be ****ty, but it may just be the outcome.
However, there's a reasonable chance that he'll be willing to work with you to fix things. As a part of that, you'll need to figure out exactly what you need and lack, and whether or not your fiance can provide it.
I'm not trying to bash you, because I think you've been particularly forthright and introspective in what you wrote. But if you don't deal with this NOW, I'm willing to bet that you'll do it again... guilt or no guilt. Most people who stray that first time feel extremely guilty about it. But that guilt becomes duller with each time they do it, because they start rationalizing: e.g. "I'm already a cheater, so I can't be MORE of a cheater..." Since you admit you feel no guilt, what's to stop you from doing it next time? A huge obstacle to future cheating isn't there.
Guilt may develop over time. One day, you may decide that you have to come clean with your now-husband. Or the MM you cheated with may rat you out. And if/when that happens, your husband will feel like his entire marriage to you has been a fraud -- there will never have been a time during it that there wasn't a whole second layer of bull**** and deception beneath the beautiful surface. That will hurt like hell. And he, and many others, may hate you for it.
I speak from experience -- I've been where your fiance is. If you truly care about him, love him, value him and respect him, be straight with him. Now. If you don't, you're robbing him of his right to decide the course of his life and making his decisions for him. I realize this isn't what you want to hear, but it's time to start thinking about your fiance, instead of just yourself.
__________________
See the bird with the leaf in her mouth
After the flood, all the colours came out.
-- U2
I can't add much more, John Lucas and ResDog's advice is bang on.
All I can say is, you need to figure out if you want to be committed to one person...Not too sure if you're ready to get married or play the field abit more before settling down.
You have 2 choices, either tell your Fiancee about what happened, be as honest and upfront about it as you were here, and hope that he gives you a chance to make it right again.- And/or tell him what happened and end it.
I don't believe you can marry this man without telling him the truth because my concern is, you felt no guilt nor any discomfort in knowing that you'd be hurting the man you love...I think because of this, you've paved the way for yourself to make it easy to cheat in the future...And not feel bad about it.
Take the time you need to figure out what you want. Then talk to your fiancee. If you don't love him enough to stay faithful to him, then it's time to call off the wedding and let him find a woman who will love only him and not want to cheat on him.
I believe that you can love someone and still do things that are not in their best interest. We are humans and make mistakes. If this was an isolated incident, I would say to cast it aside a learning experience. Actually, you still can use the incident as such, even though you believe it may happen again. Precisely because you believe that, you owe it to yourself to speak to someone professionally. They can help you to see what is missing or what prompted this. They can also help you to tell you fiance about this or what was missing in you or your relationship if necessary.
I'm suprised about how little I understood about infidelity. I never grasped how complicated it could be.
Its not, its rather quite simple actually: if you have a bf, dont put another mans penis anywhere inside you.
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I was so naive about how these things work. The human brain/heart/hormones are such untamed things.
What were you naive about? that you shouldnt give oral to some guy if youre engaged? yeah, thats pretty damn naive, I'd even go as far to argue its borderline retarded. I don't mean to be cruel, but youre just as bad as those people who come on here giving a bounty of excuses as to why they cheated and how it wasn't your fault. You're doing the extreme opposite, you're trying to justify your cheating without appearing to be doing so, by saying how you're confused and didn't know how it works, while all the time assuring us that you love your bf, color me skeptical.
You love your boyfriend the way I love my dog. However, you sure as hell aren't in love with him, nor do you have any respect for him whatsoever.
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I met a man for which there was a mutual attraction, he acted on it, and I followed. I wanted him, he offered himself, and I was selfish enough to take him. That is the truth.
Which means..what? ding ding ding: You do not love him. Spare it.
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It doesn't. I don't even feel a little bit guilty. That is what scares me the most. I know I'm not in love with this guy, and don't want to plan a future with him, so what's a little fooling around?
Now you just come off like a wh*re. You don't love him, so why not suck his d*ck right? Im through trying to be nice, you just seem like a selfish person with no regard for others, you do what you want in the moment to best suit you without thinking of how it effects other peoples lives, youre the type of woman that turns guys into a-holes.
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I don't want to hurt my fiance, I really don't.
This is half right, you dont want to hurt him, but you dont want to not hurt him either. You dont care either way, even if you come back and type how you care and how you love him, actions speak louder than words.
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I also always agreed with the "you've already hurt him". But that isn't true at all. He's very happy. I may have already betrayed him, but he isn't in pain unless he knows.
No, he's not in pain. But you are making him look like a jackass by having him walk around with oral annie on his arm without him even aware.
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The common statement, "If you loved him you wouldn't..." I do love him and I did.
I have one million dollars, I have one million dollars, I have one million dollars. one sec, k? *checks wallet* nope, I don't have any money. See? no matter how many times you say something, doesnt make it true. Actions speak louder than words hun, and yours speak volumes.
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If I'm honest with myself, I can see it happening again. I want this other man physically and intellectually, but not seriously. I know these feelings are unfair to my fiance. They seem to me more powerful than my level of control. But they are only lust. I just never realized how powerful lust is.
Apparently you've never realized how powerful love is, cuz no matter if this guy was justin timerlake, if you truly loved your fiance, you wouldn't of done what you did, face these facts hun.
Everyone is giving you a kudos for your honesty, but not me. You werent honest with the only person you SHOULD of been. You're a liar, a cheater, and worst of all you dont feel bad about it and even said it might happen again..oh but you love your bf! i forgot..right. Spare it, the only person you love is yourself. Just tell your bf, or if you dont want him to think youre a tramp, then dump him, cuz either way he deserves better than someone who will cheat on him, go on a msg board proclaiming she still loves him, while also claiming she doesn't feel guilty and will probably do it again. Your entire post made me laugh at how completely ridiculous it was.
Clearly you should not be getting married at this time. You engage in sex and cheat on a man you are to be married to in just a couple of weeks. You state that you still want this OM physically. You further state that you are probably will engage in this type of behavior in the future after you are married. Do you boyfriend a big favor and allow him to find someone else in his life who will not hurt him and can respect him and respect a committment to a marriage. Clearly you cannot do this. You also put your boyfriend at risk for STD's. All sorts of STD's are possible with oral sex by the way.
How would you feel if your boyfriend was having oral sex with some hot chick that he likes and says he wants her now and in the future. Again if you truly love him then be honest with him. You apparently have no problems basing your marriage on lying and deceit. Your boyfriend has my sympathy. He is marrying a woman under false pretenses who is apprently amoral. Again I guess it is acceptable for your boyfriend to screw other women behind your back since it seems you do not have a problem with it. You have a right to feel any way you wish but to marry a man who loves you and your refusal to be honest with him is absolutely disgusting. You fear to tell him the truth for fear of the consequences of your actions. In addition, you know if you tell him that you will have to stop this behavior now and in the future. By not telling him you allow yourself to continue to disrespect and humiliate him in the worst possible way. You are a real piece of work. Clearly your marriage vows will be nothing but a joke to you. How can you be so cruel and healtless to a man who is marrying you? Look in the mirror. Do you really like what you see? I guess it all about you. How sad for everyone involved.
You have to look inside & ask yourself to the core base of honesty what you are looking for in life. What you look for in mates & what you want them to provide for you. Is lust the motivator of your actions or is longing for security the motivator? Or if neither, what IS the motivator? You will know by what excites you the most.
johnlucas, you seem like a very very wise person. I suppose the answer to your first question depends on what you define as a mate. Obviously lust is a factor in the biological definition of mate. I believe I do want a long term relationship. I'm looking for a partner. Not necessarily a sexual partner (which I may address more when I talk about RD's post), but a life partner. Someone to buy our first home with, someone to have children with, and so forth. And my fiance is really my best friend and I want to share these things with him.
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Some people are more monogamous than polygamous (polyamorous). And some are more polygamous (polyamorous) than monogamous. It's all a spectrum like that rainbow. YOUR task is to figure out where you stand in that spectrum & create your relationships accordingly.
Of course, on the spectrum thing, I don't know. I used to believe that I was a pure monogomanist, but this cheating came so easily. My fiance and I have been together for a few years, and this is the first man that I've cheated on him with. I obviously need to introspect more.
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Reevaluate your inner being & find out what makes her tick.
Are you ambivalent about letting go of this engagement because you deep down want to keep this fiance as a backup, an insurance plan? Or is out of fear of being alone? Or is it out of fear of disappointing the expectations of the families? Or is it because he fulfills a 'security' role that will provide a stable roof over your head? Or is it because you misassessed your feelings for the man & don't want to deflate his balloon? Or is it simply pure ego (he shall never have nobody else if he's not with me)?
I don't want to let go of the engagement. I think it's more that I want the other man (although he isn't available, but subcontiously) as a back-up plan. I would be afraid to lose my fiance. I am definitely afraid of disppointing the expectations of the families. We've already spent over $10,000. My mom took money out of her 401K to help us with this wedding. It's a nearly unstoppable train at this point. He does provide a security role, but not necessarily a financial one. More emotional. I don't think I've misassessed my feelings for him, but if I have you would be right that I wouldn't want to deflate his balloon. All of these are factors in why calling off the marriage seems unlikely. But, the more important reason is that we make a great team in life and I can't picture my life without him. He is definitely in my plans for the future. I want him to father my children. I want to be a real family, and I think we can do it.
Much as you love your fiance -- and I believe you do love him -- there is something massively wrong in your relationship with him. There is something missing. Having cold feet about getting married is enough to stop you from getting married to somebody you're devoted to and deeply in love with. It's NOT enough, on its own, to make you cheat on them with somebody else.
Cheating, in most situations, occurs because the cheater isn't happy about some component of their relationship. The MM in your situation gave you something you were lacking, something you're not getting from your fiance. Whatever that is, you're not going to stop wanting or needing it just because you're married. Sorry to say, but marriage is notoriously (and perhaps surprisingly) ineffective at stopping people from doing things they shouldn't do.
I believe you are probably right, but I'm not so sure that I can put a finger on exactly what's missing. The sex isn't great, but it's not terrible either. I've told him things that I want to change and usually it changes for a few weeks anyway. The MM sparks passion in me that my fiance hasn't for the last couple of years. Possibly a lack or romance? My fiance is my best friend and we've been together for a long time and things have gotten "comfortable".
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And it sounds like your fiance is completely in the dark about what you want or need in this regard. For his sake at least, you need to postpone the wedding. And, I think you need to come clean with him. He has the right to make decisions about his own future armed with all the information. Unfortunately, one of those bits of info is the fact that his fiancee cheated on him. This may mean that he decides he can't marry you. Which would be ****ty, but it may just be the outcome.
However, there's a reasonable chance that he'll be willing to work with you to fix things. As a part of that, you'll need to figure out exactly what you need and lack, and whether or not your fiance can provide it.
Keeping with the honesty theme, I doubt I will come clean. But I would be willing to talk to him about me not being sure I can be a mongomist. And if I figure out what is really lacking then I'd be willing to talk to him about that as well. The wedding seems like this uncontrollable being that has taken on a life of it's own. I don't think postponing is likely.
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I'm not trying to bash you, because I think you've been particularly forthright and introspective in what you wrote. But if you don't deal with this NOW, I'm willing to bet that you'll do it again... guilt or no guilt. Most people who stray that first time feel extremely guilty about it. But that guilt becomes duller with each time they do it, because they start rationalizing: e.g. "I'm already a cheater, so I can't be MORE of a cheater..." Since you admit you feel no guilt, what's to stop you from doing it next time? A huge obstacle to future cheating isn't there.
Guilt may develop over time. One day, you may decide that you have to come clean with your now-husband. Or the MM you cheated with may rat you out. And if/when that happens, your husband will feel like his entire marriage to you has been a fraud -- there will never have been a time during it that there wasn't a whole second layer of bull**** and deception beneath the beautiful surface. That will hurt like hell. And he, and many others, may hate you for it.
I don't have an answer for this. I do believe that this could stay covered up. But I admit that I have no way of knowing.
I speak from experience -- I've been where your fiance is. If you truly care about him, love him, value him and respect him, be straight with him. Now. If you don't, you're robbing him of his right to decide the course of his life and making his decisions for him. I realize this isn't what you want to hear, but it's time to start thinking about your fiance, instead of just yourself.[/quote]
But, the more important reason is that we make a great team in life and I can't picture my life without him. He is definitely in my plans for the future. I want him to father my children. I want to be a real family, and I think we can do it.
Do you think your fiance would want it if he knew about your cheating?
Do you think your fiance would want it if he knew about your cheating?
I don't know. If it wasn't with a married man and so close to our wedding, then I think he would be willing to work through this. But this current situation, I can't say.
I'm not judging you (blatantly, I hope), but would like to pose a question...
If your best friend was a girl and you slept with her boyfriend, would you expect your relationship with her to continue as nothing happened? In this scenario I'm assuming she doesn't know. Wouldn't you feel guilty? Wouldn't you feel the relationship with her is tainted in some way?
I appreciate your candor, however I don't understand how you could do something that you know will hurt your fiance and at the same time say, "I love him/he is my best friend".
You are allowing him to get married to you under false pretenses.......and that is not being a very good friend or wife.
Climbergirl is right. There's no getting around the fact that, by going ahead with the wedding while your fiance is blissfully ignorant, you will be defrauding him. He thinks he's getting one thing, and unbeknownst to him he's getting something very different.
This is where I'm going to be blunt.
You say you're worried because of all the money that's already been spent, and how you're worried about everybody's reactions. You say that you can't picture your life without him. You say that he's in your future plans. You say you want him to father your children.
You want. You want. You want. You want. You want. .....
Put yourself in your fiance's shoes for a moment. Ask yourself what HE WANTS. And I'll bet you a pound to a pinch of **** that he DOESN'T want a wife who's going to slobber on another guy's knob when she gets an itch. But you're not really giving him a choice in the matter, are you?
For christ's sake, there's more at stake here than what you want. Please get over yourself. Believe me, when this all comes out -- six weeks, six months or six years down the road -- it will be a far bigger ****storm than you ever expected. The crap you're experiencing right now will feel like a Swedish massage by comparison. You'll wish that you'd never been so selfish, but of course by then it will be too late.
Just ask my ex-wife if she should have done exactly what you've done, and STILL gone ahead and married me. Ten years, multiple affairs, and one since-acquired public reputation as a homewrecking tramp later... believe me, she doesn't think it was all worth it.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
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