Hi, I am a woman in desperate need of advice!! I have been with my husband for 3 years now (I am 26, he's 25) We met, rushed into marriage, and decided to have a child. Yes, seems crazy to some, but I felt he was really the one for me. He was sooo good to me, and I just came out of a pretty bad relationship, so I guess in a silly way I felt he was my saviour or something.

Well, everything was great at first, and we seemed to have similar values-but as time went on he started showing some pretty different sides. he told me he wanted to have a threesome, that he truthfully couldn't picture himself not ever having sex with anyone else again etc. This was about 2 years ago. I was heartbroken of course, since my thinking is a bit more traditional. Now, two more years have gone by, and I feel that these conversations about how different we are have led to me not trusting him...I am so dillusioned when it comes to love...

We have a daughter, who is now 2, and he goes out and parties sometimes 3-4 times a week. I don't think it's conducive to US!!! At the same time, of course it is a mental strain on me to wonder what he does all those nights, when he doesn't come home until maybe 7-8 am. His excuse is that the first morning train doesn´'t go till 6am in the morning, which is acually true.

To the point I must add, that I do actually trust when he tells me he's never been with anyone, but still...it's the thoughts that creep into your head whn you're sitting alone at home. He also smokes "weed" everyday. Has been doing that for a long time, so I guess he feels he needs to go out and "get buzzed" all the time. We've talked about this situation, and I told him that maybe we should live separately, and still be together, because the way things are is unbearable to me.

He CONVINCED me when we met that the best thing for us would be was to have a baby. I have always been career oriented, and thank goodness I finished my degree!! I am so happy to have my little daughter, but I sure didn't think this was what family life was all about.

Please help me!!! I am so distressed!!

I do love him, and maybe there are different ways of living, but I can feel it in my heart that however much I know he loves me-it's not enough for me...the whole lifestyle is so uncomfortable!

Anju

[Tony T]

Well, you can't blame this all on your husband. You married him in a whirlwind romance not knowing all about him and, thus far, you have not put your foot down and told him you would not tolerate his antics.

Your marriage contract would seem invalid because it was entered into under fraudulent conditions. He did not reveal to you ahead of time that he could not be faithful to you. Depending on the country you are in, many ceremonies include a vow of faithfulness and it is implied in the marriage contract.

He committed fraud by leading you to believe he would be "so good to you" and, after the marriage ceremony, proceeded to party three or four times per week, staying out all night. This is not a permissable or acceptable activity in most marriages unless it is agreed upon well in advance. (It makes no difference what the train schedule is...he BELONGS AT HOME WITH HIS FAMILY DURING THE WEE HOURS OF THE NIGHT) Additionally, it shows a personal disrespect for you and a complete disregard for your feelings. Most people feel a husband should be home protecting his family very late at night. If you are in America, in most cities it can be dangerous for a woman to be alone at night if other people know of that fact.

A much greater problem is subjecting your daughter to a father who not only stayS out partying the better part of the week, but partakes of illegal use of marijuana.

Your husband's behavior is not that of a husband and father, but more like an extremely immature teenager. I have seen some very young men and women transform their behavior to become excellent citizens when married with children.

Your only choices are to insist that he immediately cease the behavior you are not able to tolerate. Otherwise, you will have to leave him for your sake and for the sake of your child.

If this man loves you and cares for his family, he will shape up. Marijuana does affect the brain in some ways so a good start would be to get him help to get off of this substance. Get professional help if necessary. Even normal potheads don't smoke the stuff every single day.

I truly hope there is some way you can turn all of this around. But if you see you can't, leave while you're young and take a lot more time and pay a lot more attention the next time you feel yourself getting sucked in by a man's charms.