I am in my second marriage. I have been married to this man for about a year. What aggravates me is his lack of affection. Things are great in the bedroom. But he is not one to hug, kiss, do thoughtful things, etc. outside the realm of the bedroom. I thought that it might just be me...but when his grown daughter visited, she said that he had always been that way. I know that he never knew his father and in his mom's relationships with men, he never was witness to a healthy man-woman relationship. I believe that his mom is also much the same way...kinda holds back affection. Sometimes, it seems so self-centered to me. This will go on and then he does something to show his feelings for me...like buying me a big-ticket item that I was really wanting. But I want to be shown love and affection in other ways, too, other than monetarily. I've talked with him about this...but he is also not a big conversationalist and doesn't give me much input, either. Any advice on how to get him to break through these barriers and relax and show affection?

[Tony T]

There are many reasons why certain people aren't very affectionate and there isn't much you can do about it to change it. Your needs in that area are obviously much different from his. If you were raised in a touchy-feely family environment, you will naturally desire more showings of affection that if you were raised in a family where there were no displays of affection. He came from that type of family.

If you try to change him how, it will make him uncomfortable. He simply isn't programmed for that behavior. You knew this when you married him. Now if he was very affectionate prior to the marriage, then he seriously misrepresented himself and you have cause for serious concern. But I gather from you post that this is just the way he is.

There are people who just don't feel very comfortable showing others affection. That doesn't mean they don't feel affection for others or love them very much. They simply aren't expressive. Some people, like your husband, show love by giving gifts. That's the way they were shown love when they were children.

If you knew your need for affection was so great, you should have married a man who was far more demonstrative. It is wrong to expect a person to change.

Now if you just want to experiment, train him as you would train any living thing to do anything. Go one step at a time. Ask him to promise a big hug in return for cooking his favorite meal. Give him a nice back rub in return for a big kiss. Reward him for his expressions of affection. It will take you a long time but you may be able to pull it off.

Don't expect any major changes or results. If you get results, be very grateful but don't be disappointed if he doesn't change.

If this is the only problem in your marriage, you have a great man. I know your desire for affection is great. Be imaginative around him and get it by hook or crook. Is he more affectionate after a few drinks? Invest in some booze.

If man can get to the moon and back safely three times, invent cures for some of the worst diseases, make planes that carry people and tons of cargo across the high seas, there are ways you can get more hugs and kisses!!!