I don't want this thread to in any way discourage anyone from dating. But since my exMM has reappeared, he's got me thinking about him more. And I'm feeling guilty for that when it comes to my BF.
The other night when I got the roses, I just couldn't talk to my BF and act normal, so I didn't call him or get online and IM until the next night. Mind you, we don't necessarily talk every day, but I had to deal with what I was going through. And as the days go by and I get back to normalcy, I enjoy talking to him. I don't even think about the exMM when I do talk to him or spend time with him. Its as if MM doesn't exist.
But I have now invested 7 months in this relationship. And, if you have the time, you can look at my first three threads which discuss this relationship in other parts of this board and what it has been like. If you do that, you will see my thread "Be Careful What You Wish For." Its a whole different animal. But you will also see that he has a past love who he is still in love with. So, knowing that, I am not feeling quite as guilty.
But I am now wondering how fair am I being in a relationship when I still obviously have such strong feelings for the exMM that he can get that kind of reaction from me coming back into my life after all this time. I have no intention of going backwards. I just have to wonder how much of a stumbling block is my feelings for MM going to factor into my feelings for my BF. Does anyone have any experience with this who have gotten out of the A?
Just at a guess Movin, but I'd say your feelings really have nothing to do with the fact that your relationship with MM was based around an affair.
The bottom line is that you're involved with your BF, and finding that you still have strong feelings for a person from a prior relationship.
I would definitely agree (just my own personal viewpoint) that you need to resolve your feelings for MM one way or another before you can have a fully committed relationship with your BF.
Honestly, I'd tell your BF the full truth, so that your relationship with him is based on complete honesty. And tell him that you still have some feelings for this guy, but you want him completely out of your life (which is what I'm understanding you want).
Just my thoughts.
__________________
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Welcome to VEGAS BABY! " --Tomcat33, May 21, 2008
"Just don't cry when the odds beat YOU" Owl, Sep 08
I appreciate what you are saying. But I would ask that you look at my thread "Be Careful What You Wish For" if you haven't already. And then I'd like your POV - without bashing me over the head for what you will see when you read it. lol!
I don't want this thread to in any way discourage anyone from dating. But since my exMM has reappeared, he's got me thinking about him more. And I'm feeling guilty for that when it comes to my BF.
The other night when I got the roses, I just couldn't talk to my BF and act normal, so I didn't call him or get online and IM until the next night. Mind you, we don't necessarily talk every day, but I had to deal with what I was going through. And as the days go by and I get back to normalcy, I enjoy talking to him. I don't even think about the exMM when I do talk to him or spend time with him. Its as if MM doesn't exist.
But I have now invested 7 months in this relationship. And, if you have the time, you can look at my first three threads which discuss this relationship in other parts of this board and what it has been like. If you do that, you will see my thread "Be Careful What You Wish For." Its a whole different animal. But you will also see that he has a past love who he is still in love with. So, knowing that, I am not feeling quite as guilty.
But I am now wondering how fair am I being in a relationship when I still obviously have such strong feelings for the exMM that he can get that kind of reaction from me coming back into my life after all this time. I have no intention of going backwards. I just have to wonder how much of a stumbling block is my feelings for MM going to factor into my feelings for my BF. Does anyone have any experience with this who have gotten out of the A?
Hi MO,
I think how you feel is absolutely normal. Its ok to feel strongly about your xMM, but what are those strong feelings? I don't think that they are feelings of love and hope. At least not what I sense from your post. Remember, you and this man had a 8 year and volatile relationship. You've only been out of it for almost 1 1/2 years. You never know when love hits you and it sounds to me like you and your BF have a really nice thing going.
When my H and I were first dating, I just got out of a really volatile relationship of 5 years. Every so often, my ex-fiance would contact me and at first I would feel shaken... two or 3 years down the road, I just got angry each time he called. Anyway, my then BF (now H) knew about my relationship with the ex, knew him from working with him, and I would tell him how angry I feel when there is contact. It was not a bad support to have. Do you think you are at a point in your relationship where you can tell your BF about your xMM. I mean, you started dating him almost a year after the break so its not like he would feel like a rebound guy, right? I don't think that you should worry about the situation you posted in your other thread. Everything will work out in the end... it just does.
Last edited by zarathustra; 28th April 2006 at 11:19 AM..
I think how you feel is absolutely normal. Its ok to feel strongly about your xMM, but what are those strong feelings? I don't think that they are feelings of love and hope. At least not what I sense from your post. Remember, you and this man had a 8 year and volatile relationship. You've only been out of it for almost 1 1/2 years. You never know when love hits you and it sounds to me like you and your BF have a really nice thing going.
When my H and I were first dating, I just got out of a really volatile relationship of 5 years. Every so often, my ex-fiance would contact me and at first I would feel shaken... two or 3 years down the road, I just got angry each time he called. Anyway, my then BF (now H) knew about my relationship with the ex, knew him from working with him, and I would tell him how angry I feel when there is contact. It was not a bad support to have. Do you think you are at a point in your relationship where you can tell your BF about your xMM. I mean, you started dating him almost a year after the break so its not like he would feel like a rebound guy, right? I don't think that you should worry about the situation you posted in your other thread. Everything will work out in the end... it just does.
Well no, he is definitely not the rebound guy. But he is the first person I've ever had a real connection with that I could possibly consider a future with. And I'm not so worried about that situation in my other thread about whether the woman comes back into his life. That was a few months ago, and I've kind of been able to deal with it because he does devote his time with me more now. And I don't think I'm in love with him completely and I'm definitely not ready to commit to anything. But I also know he has feelings for this other woman. Which he does not know that I know. So even if I were to do what Owl suggests and be upfront with him, I doubt he is going to be upfront with me because he doesn't know I know about his past. He's very secretive about his computer too. I would never go on his computer and snoop but last week I walked in the door and he was in the shower. His laptop was open to the other forum and I guess he was writing his own post but I did not read it. And I purposely walked into the kitchen so I wasn't sitting right in front of it on the couch because I had no intention of reading it or letting him think I read it while I was sitting down. Well no sooner do I go in the kitchen, he comes running out of the shower naked and dripping wet and lowers his computer lid, but on the pretense that he heard me come in and just wanted to check to see who it was and comes over to kiss me, then gets back in the shower. He's never jumped out of the shower when I got there before. I know he probably realized his laptop was open and panicked. It was kind of funny in a way.
And I also don't want him worrying about this relationship. But if I knew he was going to come clean about this other woman in his life, then I would feel more comfortable talking it out with him.
I just really don't want to ruin a good thing because I'm having these recent issues of my own. Is that so bad? But again, I still feel guilty. I've never been in this situation where I had a prior love that I still had feelings for. Even if he did treat me like he did. (pathetic, I know).
All I ask is that you don't bash me for my POV either!
Here's my take. First off, you found a great source of information on the WWW to learn alot about the SO in your life that they aren't capable of sharing with you. So what's the issue? The better you know them, the more likely you are to be able to a) decide if they're the person you really want to be with and b) love and appreciate them if the ARE that person.
Myself, I feel if it's posted on the internet, it's there. I've shared a LOT about what I've gone through...how could I be angry if it turns out that someone who knows me reads it and figures out who I am? I put it there...what else could I expect?
Also, I agree with the concept of "Those who have nothing to hide...hide nothing.". A common argument here is 'privacy' between a H and W, or between partners in a relationship. I used to be an advocate of that...until I learned how that really tends to just set the stage for exactly the kind of thing that both you and my wife got in to. Had that 'privacy' been 'accountability' instead, an affair would have never have happened. I consider myself accountable to my wife. I ensure that she's got full access to all my emails/IM's/cell phone...whatever. She SHOULD be able to check on me at any time to ensure that I'm not doing anything to endanger our relationship and love. And I believe that I should have that same right as well. I haven't checked up on her in ages...nor have I felt a need to. But the ability is always there.
Many many people...ESPECIALLY those on the OM/OW board are not going to agree with that POV. That's fine...I don't judge them, nor do I expect to be judged. Feel free to share your own POV and we'll all do just fine.
I've got to tell you that if your BF is so secretive about his computer...that is a clear red flag for you that there is something going on that he doesn't want you to see. If it's something he doesn't want you to see...the odds are VERY high that it's something that you KNOW is detrimental to your relationship with him. If you decide you can live with that, fine. Be prepared to accept the very high likeliehood that this is something that's going to be a major, MAJOR issue for your relationship with him at some point.
Again, if he's got nothing to hide...why hide anything?
Personally, I'd suggest you confront him point blank about hiding things...and see what happens. But it's all up to you friend.
I just really don't want to ruin a good thing because I'm having these recent issues of my own. Is that so bad? But again, I still feel guilty. I've never been in this situation where I had a prior love that I still had feelings for. Even if he did treat me like he did. (pathetic, I know).
I think that the most sturdy relationships are built on the platform you have with your BF. You don't have to know right away if he's the one for you or not. Just enjoy his company and let him enjoy yours.
With the xMM, what are those feelings though? Are the feelings of want and desire? Do you know? Falling out of love DEFINITELY takes time. Right now you are near the end of it. You said yourself that you rarely think of your xMM. Anyway, can you imagine how much you more you would treasure your BF when you are fully recovered from your experience of the A? Its something for you to aim for and look forward to.
Movinon... very awkward situation in many ways. Only you know what's in your own heart regarding exMM and SG and possibilities and hopes for the future. Only you can really untangle it. I had a few thoughts reading this thread and your other one you mention.
One is, that I agree with Owl regarding honesty and not keeping secrets in a R. I don't think it's funny that SG got out of the shower to hide what he was doing online. I think that's SO bad... and somehow I think you have to deal with this issue of honesty. No relationship can survive if it's built on such hidden feelings for other people. But most of all on the secrecy and lying. How you tackle it (come clean about 'snooping'?) is another matter.
But secondly, I was thinking when I read about the roses the other day. You interpreted them as he was trying to get back in your life because of his son leaving home soon so he'll be 'free' to leave. I think that that is possibly a bit of hope/fear on your part (no idea which). I wondered at the time whether exMM was seeing you with your new BF and getting jealous, and wanting to come back into your life, or shake you up a bit... no idea what exactly, but to do with this SG.
What I'm trying to say (no sleep!) is that the timing might be more to do with SG than any intention of him leaving his M.
Now I didn't say that on your thread about the roses because it was just supposition on my part at the time. But now you say it's affecting your R with your BF... it seems like it's having the (possibly) desired result from the pov of your ex MM.
I don't know if any of this helps. I have no answers for you, just they were thoughts that went through my mind.
All I ask is that you don't bash me for my POV either!
Here's my take. First off, you found a great source of information on the WWW to learn alot about the SO in your life that they aren't capable of sharing with you. So what's the issue? The better you know them, the more likely you are to be able to a) decide if they're the person you really want to be with and b) love and appreciate them if the ARE that person.
Myself, I feel if it's posted on the internet, it's there. I've shared a LOT about what I've gone through...how could I be angry if it turns out that someone who knows me reads it and figures out who I am? I put it there...what else could I expect?
Also, I agree with the concept of "Those who have nothing to hide...hide nothing.". A common argument here is 'privacy' between a H and W, or between partners in a relationship. I used to be an advocate of that...until I learned how that really tends to just set the stage for exactly the kind of thing that both you and my wife got in to. Had that 'privacy' been 'accountability' instead, an affair would have never have happened. I consider myself accountable to my wife. I ensure that she's got full access to all my emails/IM's/cell phone...whatever. She SHOULD be able to check on me at any time to ensure that I'm not doing anything to endanger our relationship and love. And I believe that I should have that same right as well. I haven't checked up on her in ages...nor have I felt a need to. But the ability is always there.
Many many people...ESPECIALLY those on the OM/OW board are not going to agree with that POV. That's fine...I don't judge them, nor do I expect to be judged. Feel free to share your own POV and we'll all do just fine.
I've got to tell you that if your BF is so secretive about his computer...that is a clear red flag for you that there is something going on that he doesn't want you to see. If it's something he doesn't want you to see...the odds are VERY high that it's something that you KNOW is detrimental to your relationship with him. If you decide you can live with that, fine. Be prepared to accept the very high likeliehood that this is something that's going to be a major, MAJOR issue for your relationship with him at some point.
Again, if he's got nothing to hide...why hide anything?
Personally, I'd suggest you confront him point blank about hiding things...and see what happens. But it's all up to you friend.
I don't bash. At least, I don't think I do. And I welcome your POV. I like your take that if its out there on the WWW then its "up for grabs." I think he just doesn't think I'm that internet saavy to find it. And he used to be in the computer field. But he uses the same "name" for everything so it wasn't hard at all. I do not do that. As far as his posts, its actually been very enlightening. I found out things about him I would never know. I know his viewpoints about things, and it is because of most of his posts that I have come to appreciate him even more. They actually gel with how I feel about things. If I didn't know these things about him, I might not have as much appreciation for him this early in the relationship. So, in that way, its been a very good thing for me. Except that I have knowledge about him he does not know.
As far as his secretiveness about the computer, that does concern me a little. Only the reason is because he just jumps on my computer when he's here, but I do not feel comfortable getting on his computer even if its to check my own e-mails. I would have to ask. He doesn't ask. That bothers me. But I also know more about him than that. Its not just that site that I've seen. There are other sites that he goes to that I am sure he would not want me to know. And I've seen some real eye openers. But it doesn't bother me too much because I am very open minded. If the day comes that I see that he's been on some gay, transvestite site or klu klux klan site, then I will be worried. He's starting to learn that I am open minded, but I know he wouldn't want me to know all that I know. And he has commented to his forum friends that I am very different than what he is used to. He is learning that I am open minded about things. And I know he likes it. Then there is the part about this exGF. I don't know what to do about that other than if I see someday on his posts that he's doing something else with her.
I don't expect this early in the relationship that we need to have to disclose EVERYTHING about ourselves and have our computers and passwords available to each other. Perhaps further along in the relationship or if we were to get married, then it would be a different story. I would expect no secrecy whatsoever. However, we're still in the infancy of this relationship as far as I'm concerned.
He is supposed to come here this weekend. And I think the only way I could address this is to tease him when he gets on my computer. Like, how come you can go on mine, but I can't go on yours. Or, I know you came running out of the shower to hide your computer, but I had no intention of reading anything or prying. I would just like the same courtesy. Either trust me or don't trust me. If I need to ask you to use the computer, then you should have to ask me. I don't know. But I'll put it lightly however it goes.
I think that the most sturdy relationships are built on the platform you have with your BF. You don't have to know right away if he's the one for you or not. Just enjoy his company and let him enjoy yours.
With the xMM, what are those feelings though? Are the feelings of want and desire? Do you know? Falling out of love DEFINITELY takes time. Right now you are near the end of it. You said yourself that you rarely think of your xMM. Anyway, can you imagine how much you more you would treasure your BF when you are fully recovered from your experience of the A? Its something for you to aim for and look forward to.
I agree that sturdy relationships are built this way. We have a healthy relationship in that we can talk just about anything. I just don't know that I can talk about this yet.
What are my feelings about xMM? Honestly, and obviously, I still love him. I don't think that's ever going to go away. But I have also learned to use my head before my heart. Odd how you can still love someone when they never really put you first. I think I'm in love with the dream. And having these recent contacts makes it very difficult because I would rather he just stay with his W and work on his M rather than put me through this. There are different types of A's. Guys just out for a lay and to use you are one kind. Guys who have a 7 yr affair are in it for another reason entirely. Don't mean to generalize in any way or excuse it. Bottom line, I know he still loves me. But its not enough now because I deserve more. And actually, it really pisses me off that he's trying to work his way back because its become convenient for him. So I do take all that into account and more when I think of him. It helps to steer me in the right direction.
What I need is NC. Not just me doing it, but him as well. Its the only way to go. I didn't need this test.
And I just got off the phone with BF. He's such a great guy. He makes me feel good and he makes me feel wanted just by simple little things he says. This is what I need.
Movinon... very awkward situation in many ways. Only you know what's in your own heart regarding exMM and SG and possibilities and hopes for the future. Only you can really untangle it. I had a few thoughts reading this thread and your other one you mention.
One is, that I agree with Owl regarding honesty and not keeping secrets in a R. I don't think it's funny that SG got out of the shower to hide what he was doing online. I think that's SO bad... and somehow I think you have to deal with this issue of honesty. No relationship can survive if it's built on such hidden feelings for other people. But most of all on the secrecy and lying. How you tackle it (come clean about 'snooping'?) is another matter.
But secondly, I was thinking when I read about the roses the other day. You interpreted them as he was trying to get back in your life because of his son leaving home soon so he'll be 'free' to leave. I think that that is possibly a bit of hope/fear on your part (no idea which). I wondered at the time whether exMM was seeing you with your new BF and getting jealous, and wanting to come back into your life, or shake you up a bit... no idea what exactly, but to do with this SG.
What I'm trying to say (no sleep!) is that the timing might be more to do with SG than any intention of him leaving his M.
Now I didn't say that on your thread about the roses because it was just supposition on my part at the time. But now you say it's affecting your R with your BF... it seems like it's having the (possibly) desired result from the pov of your ex MM.
I don't know if any of this helps. I have no answers for you, just they were thoughts that went through my mind.
I don't sit here and HOPE for a future with MM at all. My hopes were dashed a long time ago. And he doesn't know I'm dating or that I have a BF. Remember what I wrote in one thread that he said if I ever slept with anyone else then he would know I never loved him as much as he loved me? If he knew about me dating or having a BF, he'd confront me immediately with much anger. I know him. Extremely jealous.
So the only thing affecting this R with my BF is that he is back. I still have the feelings I have for my BF, I just feel guilty that I am affected by the MM still. I want to be as fair as I can in my R, but knowing what I know about the BF's exGF, doesn't make it seem as bad because I feel there's still a danger out there for me as well. And I know that I am not in contact with MM, but BF is still in contact with an ex he loves so much. I have to believe what he puts in his posts that he will never be with her again, but knowing the temptation is there doesn't make me feel all that great if they're in contact.
I no sooner get done posting all the stuff I just posted and before I get offline, I do my little check on the BF's forum. lo and behold he says in part of his post:
"And on the relationship front, I just heard from my on again off again ex and I'm not putting the details on the internet." then . a big smiley face.
He hasn't said anything about her since January, so I thought since our R was getting so good, I had nothing to worry about - maybe.
And on top of that, he hasn't discussed our R with them at all since he did his own little questioning over the holidays in December. He doesn't talk about me or say how great things are going or not, or anything at all. They don't even necessarily know I'm still around. Yet he tells them about the ex!
Now my stomach is in knots over this. WTF! I'm sitting here with my head in my hands and feeling sick to my stomach. I CAN'T DEAL with this! I can't tell him I know this!!!! What do I do now??????
I'm so disgusted I could spit! I feel like such an A$$. I just got off the damn phone with him!
Last edited by movinon05; 28th April 2006 at 8:54 PM..
Am I misunderstanding your situation? You and your MM are over, but you still have feelings for him. Your boyfriend doesn't know about the MM (ex-MM) that is still contacting you, and now he (the boyfriend) is sort of keeping intouch with his ex-girlfriend and you found out?
There are too many 'exclusions' going on. It's not lying, it's omitting details and certain truths which isn't healthy for your relationship with your boyfriend.
Come clean with him so he can come clean with you. If you want this to work BOTH of you can't be hiding past loves in the closet and having feelings for other people.
Am I misunderstanding your situation? You and your MM are over, but you still have feelings for him. Your boyfriend doesn't know about the MM (ex-MM) that is still contacting you, and now he (the boyfriend) is sort of keeping intouch with his ex-girlfriend and you found out?
There are too many 'exclusions' going on. It's not lying, it's omitting details and certain truths which isn't healthy for your relationship with your boyfriend.
Come clean with him so he can come clean with you. If you want this to work BOTH of you can't be hiding past loves in the closet and having feelings for other people.
I suppose that is a simplistic way of putting it. I've been NC for 16 months. My exMM just recently made attempts to contact me by leaving me gifts at my house and work. But I have not seen him nor contacted him and yes, it has stirred up feelings. But I'm just trying to deal with them.
Don't know if you read all of these posts but the reason I know about my BF's exGF is because he told me he posted on a forum about he and I, and I found it. So I'm finding out all kinds of things about him, most of it was good. This recent contact from his exGF is the latest. The catch-22 is that I can't tell him I know this.
But I do know that I have been trying to move on with my life with NC with my exMM. But BF is still in contact with his exGF. How often, I don't know. But I know he does still love her from the posts he wrote a few months ago.
He tells me he loves me and we're trying to see where this goes.
I just don't know how I would approach this with him. I know an awful lot about him from his posts, but I thought things were going good and there was nothing to worry about. Now I'm not so sure.
My MM is not in this equation as I have no intention of going back to him, even if I do have feelings for him. The feelings don't just turn off like a spicket. But I've been doing really well until lately with all this crap happening.
I don't know. Its just a weird mess. Even if I were to tell him about the MM contacting me, that doesn't mean he's going to give up his information. I'd have to tell him how I know about it.
IT is a weird thing because his privacy is gone...his freedom to say whatever he feels. Though he just isn't aware of that. What if he had stumbled onto LS and read your posts...
I think you need to trust him and also stop reading his posts on the site he's on. For your own sake. But, with that being said, you could take this opportunity to open up with him and just say how happy you are with him ... Let him know he can tell you anything and as long as you two are on the same page life is good...And if by chance things are changing, you expect him to be upfront and honest with you.
If you come clean with him, hopefully he'll come clean with you. If he doesn't then there is something wrong. (Though you can set the leg work by telling him there isn't anything he could that would kill off the feelings..Make it easier for him.)
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. a big smiley face.
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