my boyfriend and i have been together around 5 or 6 months. we've established that we're exclusive and both (in a general sense) want a serious relationship/partnership in our lives.
recently he went an a trip to visit a friend in a another state. they went on a retreat in the mountains. the retreat involved a workshop of sorts. a group of people got together with a shaman taking the lead. it was a weekend of meeting people, talking and opening up emotionally with each other around a theme, relaxing and nude hot-tubing, drinking, maybe some herbal type substances. i look at this as an alternative style of group therapy.
although this experience he had isn't something i see myself pursuing or being comfortable with, i want to support his growth. i feel a little left out and even threatened, though, because he and i have a hard time opening up to each other emotionally. we talked about it a bit and i felt in a better place...
but now it turns out that he is corresponding via email with a woman he met in this group. i am uncomfortable with this... wondering how much they bonded over the weekend and what he's looking for keeping in touch with someone he only spent a brief time with. is he wanting to get to know her better and keep his "options open"? is he getting something from her he doesn't get in our relationship?
so...
am i being possessive/immature?
is this something i just need to recognize as my issue/insecurity and work through it myself? or should i talk to him about my discomfort with his continued contact with her and ask for some more clarity/context?
Why do you two have a hard time opening up to each other emotionally?
And if he's doing these personal growth-oriented activities, then he will be opening up to other people, which would probably normally lead to jealousy.
I saw this a lot at massage school, which is like 6 months straight of what you described. Couples were breaking up right and left because they were not on the same page any more.
I think the jealousy is normal, but you have to explore some ways of increasing your emotional intimacy with your BF and opening up more, I think, otherwise you'll find yourselves changed people, with a lot less in common.
This is JME, though.
__________________
I love these little people; and it is not a slight thing when they, who are so fresh from God, love us.
As one person changes, or starts opening up to new ideas, they are going to want to hang around and chat with people who went threw the same expereiences they have. He might have just found a person he can chat with about the expereience, and whatnot, I wouldn't worry to much about it.
I would agree with Otter though that you both need to work on being able to emotionally open up with eachother. If you don't you will find that you will grow apart from eachother since you won't be able to see eye to eye on things, and will be on different levels.
Prehaps something like that would be nice for the both of you to go to so you can also see what happens there and just maybe find a way for yourself to open up more
__________________
I do not feel obligated to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reasons, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
ok, yeah, i'm uncomfortable with the nude hot-tubbing thing but trying to just accept that a lot of people are comfortable with it.
when i talked to him about my discomfort with the whole thing - him opening up to strangers when he and i have trouble in our own relationship - he was understanding. he told me that he knew this retreat was a very "artificial" or contrived form of intimacy, and that he wants to be more open with me. i think maybe he's just looking to sort of learn how to open up to people up in general and this structured workshop was a way of him getting help with that. i felt better after we talked initially.
but now that i know he's in touch with a woman from the workshop i'm not feeling so ok anymore.
i don't know why we can't open up with each other, exactly. he's told me it's hard for him but that he wants to be better at it. it's not that he goes to these types of groups all the time, just something he's done twice now with a friend. the first time it was only men.
i'm working on trying to be more open with him but it's hard. in part i feel like it's because i spill all this stuff about myself and then it feels unbalanced because he has a hard time opening up to me. then i shut down. i don't want to blame it all on him, but after awhile it gets hard being the only one who shows much vulnerability. he was the first to recognize that things were unbalanced. he told me that it would help if i could ask him questions but i don't really even know what to ask. i mean, i've asked him about his life and his feelings but someone is going to share with you what they are able to and i don't really have control over that.
Honestly, it would affect me! I would be jealous, or at least feel threatened.
How did you find out he was in touch with this person from the retreat? Did he casually bring it up in conversation as though it didn't occur to him you might be jealous? Or did he "confess" that he's been in contact with her? OR, did you find out because you saw their emails?
How you found out would be what I would use to weigh in on the threat level. If it was completely casual, my feelings would be that he didn't think of it as something he should hide. If he feels comfy enough to be open then I don't think there is anything to worry about.
If it was a "confession" type situation "Ah, honey - I've been emailing back and forth with a woman I met at the retreat," I'd be a little more uncomfy with it. HOWEVER, it might be that he realizes that you have a jealousy streak and want you to know, but is a little afraid to tell you. I'd try to measure his level of what might be guilt.
If you found out because you saw the emails, I'd definitely have a talk with him about it. Not that his not telling is a sure sign of an issue, again, he might be afraid of hurting you.
BUT AND HOWEVER, regardless of what it is, you and him need some major opening up time. His emailing with this woman is going to cause conflict one way or another. He may start to slowly get feelings for her. He many get resentful that he can "talk" to her, but isn't comfortable "talking" with you, even though it's not at all your fault. You might grow resentful that he won't open up to you. These types of talks take work on both sides. Often I've found it's easier for me to say things I'm uncomfortable with in the dark. My fiance and I have often layed in bed talking about so many different things that I don't know we would have ever talked about otherwise. While it's not total anonymity - it's somewhat comforting not being able to see the person.
ok, well to give the full picture i found out because he told me he'd asked her for information about women taking calcium. this woman is a nutritionist. i told him that i was trying to get calcium through taking tums but then a friend told me that it's not a good source of calcium for some reason. so this woman gave him some advice about calcium and how it is obsorbed in the body or whatever. he says he had her email address because there was a contact list for the whole group. i don't know if he just emailed her to ask her this specific question or if there has been more of a dialouge going on. i want to ask him but i feel like a jealous freak.
so do i just ask him what their relationship is and if there are writing back and forth?
tigger, you're right that resentments could come about. i'm worried about that, and also about us growing apart like was suggested as well.
and while i agree that we need to open up more and i want us to be able to talk about all kinds of things, i don't even know where to start! i sometimes wonder if it's just some connection we're missing, although he's admitted to having trouble (in general) opening up and acknowledged that i'm having to be patient.
1. He contacted her for information on something for you....
2. Seems fairly casual...
Vitamins etc are really hard to choose, many don't absorb into the body as well as they should, so there is false sense of how much of each vitamin you've really gotten.
If possible, start with something that isn't deep. And something that may feel much like recalling a fun time. "What one thing do you remember from high school that always makes you smile when you think of it", or "what is one trait about yourself that you don't like, and it can't be your fear of opening up".
Of course, after he's shared his story with you, share one of yours with him.
Hopefully, once he's been sharing some of these little things about himself, he'll start pulling in the deeper stuff.
My fiance has a heck of a time talking about sex. So, I typically bring it up while we're just going to sleep and cuddling together. He opens up a little more each time.
I would ask him about how far the emails have gone, and maybe it would be good for you to share with him your fear of resentfulness. Be completely honest and tell him you were freakin' and feeling a little jealous and rather than stew yourself in those feelings you thought it would be a good opportunity to talk about it.
He sounds like a great guy - as great as my fiance is, he'd never go to a retreat like that. My bet - he was raised holding everything in, and that "boys don't cry", etc. That will be a hard thing to break.
Well Mattea, I would be feeling wierd too. I was thinking I was crazy to be jealous when my fiancee would get calls from a woman, whom he had never met in person only over the internet (to his credit he knew her before me) who used to offer him sex...
I know it was used to, but its obvious that she is still interested in him...I didn't want to be the jealous girlfriend who was like 'don't talk to her anymore', but I told him it really bothered me and frankly, i thought it a bit wierd.
I think he would be understanding in asking him what it was all about, since in this post you come accross as very mature and controlled, and very open minded. If there was only an email to her asking about calcium to help YOU out, i don't think you need to worry!!!
__________________
Girl you thought it was a man but it was a MUFFIN
Mental Note: don't ever let a SO go to massage school. Or nude hot-tubbing workshops!
Seriously, to the OP I'd say you're quite right to be jealous. If my gf did that I'd be on the brink of ditching her. A bit of jealously & possessiveness is a good idea IMO, it deters straying & a wandering eye, something a lot ppl in the west don't seem to understand.
I also agree with the other ppl who said you need to open up more emotionally. Why not go to a place and nude hot-tub *together*?
I also agree with the other ppl who said you need to open up more emotionally. Why not go to a place and nude hot-tub *together*?
That's what I was thinking, I don't want to sound like all hippie and stuff (which I kind of am but whatever) -- but if you guys have trouble opening up together, and that's what these workshops are about, then why not go together???
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
Linear Mode
