a year and a half ago, I asked my GF to marry me. At the time, I was in an apartment; but had a good job. Since the engagement, I bought a house, secured a 6 figure income, and am presently working on my Master's in Electrical Engineering.
She has increasingly been pushing for "the date". However, she has this incredible sense of entitlement to everything I have. She is all about "blending" all "we" have. The thing is, she has absolultely nothing. Nor, ever will have anything.
She tells me it's her job to make my life better and it's my job to provide the necessary's (i.e. retirement, money, repairs, etc etc.). The thing that really bothers me is that all I have to offer is in real world tangebles; what she offers is based on promises. No matter what, I have to provide these things; her, on the other hand, really doesn't have to do a damn thing and she is secured by the fact that no matter what, after we're married, she gets what I have to offer whether she does her part or not.
I've been living with her for about a year. She never lets go of pushing for the "date". However, I have yet to see a consistancy in what she promised. She cooks when she wants, cleans when she wants etc. When I call her on it, I ALWAYS get some tit for tat arguement back.
I told her long ago that I would never get married again without getting a clean bill of health from a marriage counsellor (both of us have been divorced before) and a prenup. After months of arguing, she said she would sign a prenup; but would resent me for it. I also asked that she set up the appointment for the counsellor and I would go to anyone she chose. The reason I did that was she had complained once that she and her ex went to counselling and since he chose the counsellor, she felt that the counsellor was on her ex's side. I wanted to eliminate that issue.
I'm 44 and she's 40. My kids are grown and she has a 14 y/o living with us. She has also complained that if she left, my life wouldn't change one bit. Why should it? She did nothing to help me get this house; and, even complained of the one I chose. She does nothing but complain of the time I spend studying for my Master's (which is about an average of an hour a day). She even complains about the way I sleep if I have my back turned to her. Her need for attention is insatiable. Just this weekend, we spent 4 hours on the deck just hanging out and talking. Two hours after that, I was in the yard working and she asked me when I was going to spend some time with her.
Financially, I only requested that she contribute $400 a month toward the bills. I figured that was only fair. Especially since it costs almost $3000 a month to run this house. That $400 covers ALL her and her daughter's groceries...etc etc. She complained that our money should be blended. My request was based on my covering all the other housing costs (since it's my house anyway), utilities, groceries, etc etc. All I wanted her to do was cover her day to day expenses; her car, etc etc. I wanted my paycheck to go to housing, 401k, my personal expenses. It isn't a matter of not "blending"; I think it's a matter of the business side. I just don't want to fight for something I've already fought for and won. In other words, I don't want to have the day to day argument of "I need $20 for this or for that". I want her to cover her basic living costs, and I'll provide the rest. What good does it do if we "blend" her $2200 a month with my salary if she turns around and spends that $2200 a month anyway? My position is, just do what you want with your money, and contribute $400 a month to the cost of keeping this house going. Given the fact that her daughter lives here, and she gets $600 a month in child support, I don't think that's out of line. After the housing consts and investments, she actually has more "free available cash" than I do.
I understand the "blending" thing if we were both in our 20's and starting a family; but, my life is already made and I made it that way, on my own, no help from anyone. I am more than willing to share the fruits of my labor; but no way can I bring myself to voluntarily put myself in a position of backing up. I make what I feel are very wise and sound financial choices; she, flys by the seat of her pants. Her credit is in the toilet, mine is in the mid 700's. Although we blend wel in some area's, the financial area is one I really need to separate and keep separated.
I'm getting pretty close to just saying "go live the life you want somewhere else"; but I don't see how she can support herself on what she makes.
Yes I do love her very much... but I feel like I'm in a situation like being with a kid in a store next to the impulse counter screaming for a candy bar. I'd love to give her what she wants; but not when she insists on this entitlement.
I don't think this will end up working out well at all. This woman has a wonderful free ride with you, and what person that doesn't have to worry about anything wouldn't WANT to keep that and push for the date to be married?
Marriage is about being equal, and while that might not mean that she has a 6 figure income and whatnot, it means that she does her fair share, if she isn't doing that right now while tring to win you over, I doubt that will change when you guys are married (in fact it will only get worse)
If she won't work with you to help solve your problems, then while you might love her, its only fair for you to find someone that can be an equal and not a moocher
I agree with tiki. When I first started reading I was like, hey maybe she just needs a wakeup call. But she's 40, dude. Not saying that's old, but it's old enough to know how to act like an adult.
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I love these little people; and it is not a slight thing when they, who are so fresh from God, love us.
She may have affection for you but she has an unrealistic attitude about money and supporting of her.
BTW, if you do marry her does the child support end? Does she get spousal support?
BTW II, I think you are being far too generous by only asking for $400 a month. if she is such a big fan of "blending", why not put her whole paycheck into the mix and the both of you draw the same for incidentals?
BTW II, I think you are being far too generous by only asking for $400 a month. if she is such a big fan of "blending", why not put her whole paycheck into the mix and the both of you draw the same for incidentals?
She has already offered that. But, the fact that she brings in $2200 a month with only $400 in room/board expenses, and she's always broke is a major red flag in the financial department. She still has utility companies chasing her for her last apartment....which she moved out of almost a year ago.
All that tells me is that she requires more than $1800 a month to have blow money. That's $450 bucks a week she goes through. I've told her I don't have that kind of money should she find herself out of work. Even so, her overspending will end up taking money from home improvements, retirement etc etc. The blending of cash just can't happen.
I think all the other petty arguments can be fixed and are most likely a product of just two people living together. But, my thinking is that if she can't buy into my financial plan, then I have to pull out of this thing.
We had discussions while we were dating and she agreed with me then. It's just been since she moved in that she pushes this "blending" of money.
She also said I had a problem sharing?? WTF is that?? She lives in my house for a measly $100 a week; I fix her car, work on her credit, etc etc.
There is nothing in this house that she and her daughter don't have free use of. Although, when I see stuff of mine that isn't being taken care of...I.E DVD's laying on the carpet, her dog's "by product of eating" laying on the carpet..I do call them on it. I worked hard for the things I have and I have low tolerance for it not being respected and taken care of.
Jeeezzzzzeeee, the more I type, the more angry I get. :-)
Short and simple she is taking advantage of you, she wants to blend money so she can spend more. 1800 in blow money thats like INSANE! What on earth could she be spending that much cash on when you take care of everything else.
Kick her to the curb and you will be happier when you do, she is just going to keep leeching off of you till you do so.
One of the three top reasons people divorce is because of money issues. If you are having these issues NOW before you're even married, good luck. It only gets worse.
I would have NEVER married someone who wasn't on the same page as I am as far as the handling of financial matters. It's a biggie and was a requirement for me as far as who I wanted in a mate.
It's never going to work and will always be a bone of contention for both of you. You're both going to end up resenting each other more over this matter. And as far as I'm concerned, and you may not see this now, it speaks to incompatibility in other areas. Just something I've noticed in life. Don't know what areas those are for you two but look and you may see what I'm talking about.
I know others disagree with me on this particular point BUT the fact that you even feel that you need a prenup speaks volumes to me.
If you feel strongly that you want her to have her finances in order and to participate more fully financially before you'd consider marrying her, then if you still really have affection for her, you could insist on some things before agreeing to marry.
And if she doesn't do them, kick her out. Have a deadline too.
1. Kick in at least $400 a month. Actually more than that, but if she makes less than you, you can bargain a reaasonable amount.
2. Get her to pay off the creditors. Find out how much she owes too. Assess if she is a spender with no impulse control.
3. Have her sign a prenup protecting your assets. You're right, you are not 20. I've heard of people making the prenup allow for a sliding access to your assets based on the number of years you remain together.
4. Open book about where money comes from and where it goes. That works both ways.
I'm 44 and she's 40. My kids are grown and she has a 14 y/o living with us.
Financially, I only requested that she contribute $400 a month toward the bills. I figured that was only fair. Especially since it costs almost $3000 a month to run this house. That $400 covers ALL her and her daughter's groceries...etc etc. She complained that our money should be blended. provide the rest.
I understand the "blending" thing if we were both in our 20's and starting a family; but, my life is already made and I made it that way, on my own, no help from anyone.
I think we are in the same situation but mine is happy! First, love goes so far, all the nit picking and pushing in between is what pushes love away eventually. This will happen to you unfort.
Blending, Yeah OK, what I thought was funny, you said your 44 - she's 40, your set in life, people in their 20's blend. Welp, not this girl! I am in my very late (ouch) 20's and I live with my long term boyfriend, I pay him about what your girl pays you a month, plus grocercies. We have no kids. He makes a hell of a lot more then me but, afterall it is HIS house that I am linving in!!
I don't know why your girlfriend is not seeing the big picture of this situation! And she has a kid.... that makes it tough too!
If I was her I would be happy that I was getting off that cheap! Seems like she wants to blend your dough with hers so she has more money that she can claim hers for spending. That's not fair.
Sorry but it won't work for you! Why get married anyway? Can you both just be happy as things are?
Tell her you will set a date if and only if she agrees to keep the money separate.
Be brutally honest. Her track record with money stinks, and you'd just rather not hurt your credit by getting mixed up in it.
I totally understand where you are coming from; and where she is coming from. She is living in your house and blowing a whole bunch of the money she makes. Do you have any idea, or does she, where it all goes?? From her situation though, she probably sees you with a big sign over your head that says 'SAFE'. You asked her to marry you, and she is not unreasonable at all for wanting to set a date a year and a half after the fact. When you propose to someone, that means you want to marry them...its not just a next level that you stay at for a few more years to see if you really want to marry them. She sees a life with you as safe though...she knows once you two are married she will be set with you supporting her. You really really really need to get into that counseler soon.
Tell her, that you would be more than happy to set a date as soon as your issues are resolved. If you can't resolve them..then you know what to do. I'm not going to tell you marry her or don't marry her...thats completely up to you...but good luck
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Girl you thought it was a man but it was a MUFFIN
Esp since she was on board with your financial plan, UNTIL she moved in. Can you imagine how things will get once you put a wedding band on her finger?
ANywho - like everyone else said, yup a PRE-NUP is a MUST in your situation even tho I'm not fond of it for myself. But really - what's the point of it all, if like she said she willl only resent you?
Because even tho you may win the battle, you will def lose in the war i.e your marriage!
I'm really at a loss what to say, because I like you do not believe in blending finances - and I'm only 23! But I also never intend to live in anyone else's home, because I would hate the thought of paying rent to a bf/gf.
IS IT even a possibility... to get a new home? Something for you two, which she will feel is part hers and therefore she will be more motivated and more likely to buckle up and take care of it? Maybe that would drive her more to help out, than just paying utilities etc.. to YOU in YOUR home. It must be awkward for her, living in your home where you're basically supporting her.
How awful!
Your home should be BOTH of yours - not just yours.
But I understand you're 44, so maybe selling your home is not an option you want to consider. And on top of that she has bad credit, and is not financially stable so... damn... I dunno!
She honestly sounds like a lazy gold digger. She wants to "blend"? Ha! She seems to subscribe to the "what's mine is mine, what's yours is ours" mentality.
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I do not feel obligated to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reasons, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
Yup. Like all the others said. Based on what you've said, your expectations are reasonable and fair, and hers aren't. Finances are a HUGE point of contention in marriage, and a major cause of marital dysfunction. You can't and won't give to her, as a husband should, emotionally, physically, financially, if you feel you are getting taken for a ride.
If your impending marriage doesn't feel FAIR and RIGHT then don't do it.
__________________ Heavily medicated for your safety.
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