OK, here's the thing. My BF was a personal trainer in college. We usually go to the gym together but we don't really work out together. I have asked him several times to help me work out, like be my trainer. I told him if he didn't want to do it, that I would hire someone, my membership comes with free sessions so that's no problem. He got kind of upset about that, and said there was no reason for that because HE is a trainer.
He's very short with me at the gym, there have been several times when I assumed he just didn't want me around him at the gym because he was just unfriendly. Then he would say, why don't you talk to me at the gym, I would tell him why, and he would tell me I was being silly, and finally he said I talked too softly at the gym and it was frustrating because he couldn't hear me. That's true, I do talk softly.
So I told him I wanted him to work out with me for a few times (like doing the same exercises on the same machines and trading off sets) because I wanted him to watch my form and be sure I was using the right weight and everything. He did this with me for two sessions, one for upper and one for lower.
Day before last we went to the gym, he kept telling me to meet him there so WE could work out, blah blah blah. Then I get there and one of his friends from work is there. (very sweet guy, we're friends, nothing wrong with that at all) My BF blows me off to work out with him and train him, exactly what I asked him to do for me.
Yesterday was the same. I had told him I wanted him to show me back and shoulder exercises because I wasn't sure my form was right, and I got there early and waited for him to get there. His friend even asked if I was working out with them, and I said yes because I needed help. So my BF finally gets there and I go up to them and he goes, "You're not planning to work out with us, are you? I mean, that's going to take a lot of time." I was so taken aback I didn't even say anything at first. Then I go, "Well, I needed some help..." He said, "Just work out on a machine we're not on." So I got the hell away from them as fast as I could and avoided being around, and tried my best to work out on different machines and stay out of the way. He comes up to me and goes, "Are you mad?" I'm not about to get in a fight at the gym, so I said, "No. I just didn't realize that X was going to be here and you weren't going to work out with me." He goes, "Well, you could come ask me stuff if you had to. I haven't done anything wrong here." (Whenever he says that, it's because he HAS done something, he blew me off and KNEW it)
OK, so I'm not planning to work out with him anymore. I'm planning to try to go to the gym at a different time if I can. He's having a happy hour with his work tonight, I was supposed to go but I don't think I am now.
What do you guys think of all this? Otherwise everything is fine.
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I'd be really hurt if my bf did that to me. I think you were more then understanding toward him, and attempted to work around his macho attitude as much as possible.
Maybe it's a male pride thing? He wants to show off his knowledge and power by "training" his guy friend. Maybe an ego boost to him? Or he doesn't think you're being serious about training, but that you're trying to keep all his attention on you. Instead of seeing it as you wanting to become more physically fit, he's seeing it as you being overly needy? Once you show someone how to do it properly, it might only take a quick adjustment occasionally to make sure they don't lapse into bad habits. Are you asking him to stand by you and watch every time, or just occasionally?
Personally, I'd get the trainer from the gym to help you and get the one on one you want. If that is what you are looking for, and not the extra attention from your bf. Maybe plan that for days he's not going to be there so that it doesn't seem like your throwing it in his face, and then the other days work out while he's there, but don't ask him for help.
If you do talk to softly, then I could see how that could be incredibly frustrating to him. After awhile I wouldn't want to deal with it, and would find excuses not to. I hate always asking "what'd you say?" "what'd you say?", "what?", "Huh?", "I didn't hear you." Frustrating.
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Generally women don't need a training partner in the same way men do. Men tend to be lifting heavy weights and do require a 'spotter'. So that's one to consider. As Walk said, you should only require being shown the exercises maybe a couple of times, and then just regular checks on form and changes to routine. It sounds like you want more than this from him training wise? Are you trying to get him to motivate you through the workout? Is that what you feel you need?
It sounds like he's not being quite as helpful as he could. But men and gyms mean macho ****. He's probably trying to impress the boys.
Personally I prefer not to train with my SO. He's actually offered, but I prefer to stick with my own trainer, not that he's not qualified, I just prefer not to sweat and groan in front of him in the gym!!! In bed....
I agree with Walk... get the trainer from the gym on board. When he asks why, poliety explain that you needed more time than he was able to give you, but that you really appreciated his help!
Yeah, the soft voice is very frustrating. I try to work on it.
Actually, I think he thinks I don't need any help at the gym. When he did work out with me, he only corrected me a couple of times on form. I've had two different personal trainers before him, I'm hardly a novice. The form corrections I ever need are really pretty minor. But I'm not able to do my rows correctly, I'm not hitting the middle of my back.
I think getting my own trainer would be a great idea. But he doesn't want me to do that, it's like it hurts his feelings. When I'm at the gym and working out alone, people always come up to me to mention my form, esp if they can tell I'm tired and my form is bad because of it. (It's very dangerous, like if you back is bowed or something, you're not working the muscles you are trying to and you might hurt yourself. I hate watching those guys who try to do bicep curls with WAY too much weight, they are straining their backs and not doing a darn thing to their biceps.) This visibly bugs him.
I think it's because he wants to spend time with his friends. He loves doing stuff for his friends, and helping them, and it's a lot of machismo because he gets a kick out of knowing more and having people come to him for help.
What's really hurting my feelings here is, I'm his second choice. Yeah, he spends WAY more time with me than with them, and if he wants to hang out with them that is SO totally fine with me. But be honest. Just tell me you're going to work out with them instead of me, don't tell me we're going to work out together until you get a better offer.
I'm just going to make myself as scarce as possible. We live together, so that's kind of hard, but I'll just stay the hell away.
I don't have a lot of friends here, because I work with all guys and it's not like I can go hang out with them. That's how rumours get started, ya know. I'm trying to make friends, but at my age it's tough.
What's really hurting my feelings here is, I'm his second choice. Yeah, he spends WAY more time with me than with them, and if he wants to hang out with them that is SO totally fine with me. But be honest. Just tell me you're going to work out with them instead of me, don't tell me we're going to work out together until you get a better offer.
Then this is what you need to tell him, and what the actual issue is. Just sit him down and camly tell him how it made you feel. Explain that you're happy for him to spend time with other people, but not when he has an arrangement with you, or has to blow you off, as it's quite rude!!
If your gym offers free sessions you ought to be able to get one of the trainers to pitch in for 5 mins and help you with your rows. I often catch one of the trainers in my gym (there's always 2 on staff ready to help out) to spot me if I need it.
Once you explain it all to him, he really should be ok with it. Communication is the key.
I would be pissed and have a temper tantrum and tell him that I'm never working out with him again.
Just kidding.
Have you pointed out the contradiction here, to him, between his behavior (actions) and his words? He says one thing, but ultimately when it comes right down to it, he's just paying you lipservice prior to going there, and once you guys ARE at the gym he totally disregards *****.
Personally, I think that the endless "talks" women have with men are worth just about as much as an ******* on my elbow.
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I love these little people; and it is not a slight thing when they, who are so fresh from God, love us.
What's really hurting my feelings here is, I'm his second choice. Yeah, he spends WAY more time with me than with them, and if he wants to hang out with them that is SO totally fine with me. But be honest. Just tell me you're going to work out with them instead of me, don't tell me we're going to work out together until you get a better offer.
I think you need to look at this differently... if possible. Men don't see this type of action as treating you as "second best". It's not about you when he's there. He's there to get something done. Men focus on action. They're goal driven. If you don't need help (he can see you know what you are doing) then there is no reason for him to hang around and dot on you while your working out. He's there to get stuff done. That's how guys brains work. And he probably believes that since you two live together that you would feel comfortable enough with him to come ask for help if you needed it. So he doesn't need to constantly monitor you to ensure that you are doing it correctly. He believes you know what you are doing, so therefore don't need the amount of help that his friend may need. He has confidence in your abilities and is therefore not focusing on you.
Secondly, you do have to do what is best for you. If that means getting a personal trainer, then do so. Sit him down and explain that you want more one on one then your bf is able to give you. Don't make it into a "I'm second choice" issue. Just that this is what you want and need, and it's something you would feel more comfortable with. If he's hurt, he'll get over it. But I think it'll be more beneficial for you to do this, then to carry over the rejection you are feeling at the gym into the rest of your relationship. That will cause fights over other areas and possibly destroy a basically good relationship. So do this for you, give him a decent reason, and then follow through with it.
Last.. I think the core issue here is that you are feeling left out. Maybe you could enlist someone at the gym to work out with you. Another woman? Take the pressure off your bf in having to pay 100% attention to you not only at home but also at the gym. I think he's attempting to ask for some space, but feels your not really giving him that. And he can't tell you this is what he wants because your feelings are going to be hurt if he rejects you. In which case, the relationship will be hurt. He's in a no win situation. (he put himself in it too... I'm not saying you did this.) Instead of saying he should tell you he wants this, try a different tactic next time... Tell him what you see, that he wants to focus on helping his friend, or working out by himself, and that you are going to go do something else during that time. BUT let him know your still available if he wants to work out with you too. Let him know you are giving him the option of space if he wants it. But right now the two of you have a lot of unspoken assumptions about what is going on.
And work on finding some outside interests and hobbies that will help you meet new friends. Take a class, or join a group. Talk to the women at the gym. I think this would increase your confidence in yourself and the relationship and make both of you happier.
I would be pissed and have a temper tantrum and tell him that I'm never working out with him again.
Sadly enough, this is what I really WANT to do. I'm such a baby. But I refrained and was calm.
You're right, the inconsistancy is the root of the problem. AND, long talks about feelings really don't work with this guy. If I wanted to talk about feelings, I'd have a girlfriend! just kidding.
Sadly enough, this is what I really WANT to do. I'm such a baby. But I refrained and was calm.
You're right, the inconsistancy is the root of the problem. AND, long talks about feelings really don't work with this guy. If I wanted to talk about feelings, I'd have a girlfriend! just kidding.
Did you see the episode(s) of SATC, where Samantha has a lesbian relationship and gets pissed off because all they do is take long bubble baths together and talk about their feeeeeelings.
Set a boundary, I say. None of this long meandering, let's talk about UUUUUSSSSS crapola. Guys tune that out like white noise.
My advice:
Just say, I'm getting a personal trainer at the gym, you (BF) have too many distractions going on there to really focus and help me out, so let's just agree that in this area, you and I have different points of view and attitudes, that's that. If he tries to say "BUT..." -- it doesn't MATTER. End of DISCUSSION. You get what you need, he can go along his merry way and you guys can stop having weird vibes about the situ.
Last.. I think the core issue here is that you are feeling left out. Maybe you could enlist someone at the gym to work out with you. Another woman? Take the pressure off your bf in having to pay 100% attention to you not only at home but also at the gym. I think he's attempting to ask for some space, but feels your not really giving him that. And he can't tell you this is what he wants because your feelings are going to be hurt if he rejects you. In which case, the relationship will be hurt. He's in a no win situation. (he put himself in it too... I'm not saying you did this.) Instead of saying he should tell you he wants this, try a different tactic next time... Tell him what you see, that he wants to focus on helping his friend, or working out by himself, and that you are going to go do something else during that time. BUT let him know your still available if he wants to work out with you too. Let him know you are giving him the option of space if he wants it. But right now the two of you have a lot of unspoken assumptions about what is going on.
This is exactly the deal. Nail on the head.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Walk
BUT let him know your still available if he wants to work out with you too.
This though, I don't think will work. I think I should stand up for myself.
I would really prefer to work out with a girlfriend. But, like I said, I really don't have any girlfriends. Well, that's not really true, but my friends don't work out at this gym. I have several that really wanted to work out with me but they work out at a different gyms. It doesn't help that he makes fun of me about that. He has lots of friends, that he met through work. He works with guys, just like me, so he can hang out with them after work.
I need to work on myself and I guess be less shy. I'd really like to know how to make friends. I've moaned before on here about my parents, they didn't ever allow me to have friends when I was a child and I just genuinely don't know how to make any.
I'd like to be better at making friends too! I only have guy friends where I live now, and it is driving me crazy.
But, onto your workout question... I think the last suggestion is best: tell him you are gunna get a trainer OR you could ask him your specific rowing question. Just let him know you only have the one question that way he won't blow you off.
I used to work out with my husband (now ex). It was horrible. He wanted to monitor my heart rate and get my fat measured. I suppose things can go to either extreme. lol
Here's the answer: if you're not paid to be an underwear model, if you're not tan and a size 0, forget it. He won't work out with me because he's ASHAMED. And why not? I'm not perfect. I'm old and overweight. I quit. Those women after my divorce were right. Be a f-ing trophy wife. There is NOTHING MORE.
No offense and everything but he was an a$$. He is probably a really nice guy, but those days he was acting like an A$$!
You made plans, he broke them to act like a macho man with his friend or whatever. (I just imagined two guys dancing around a gym singing the 'I'm too sexy for this shirt' song from the 90s )
Call him on it, make him realise he was an idiot and make him pay. Dont work out together, it is a recipe for a disaster!
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Clean your body of me
Erase all the memories
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Here's the answer: if you're not paid to be an underwear model, if you're not tan and a size 0, forget it. He won't work out with me because he's ASHAMED. And why not? I'm not perfect. I'm old and overweight. I quit. Those women after my divorce were right. Be a f-ing trophy wife. There is NOTHING MORE.
What??? Who said this? I think you might be better off with a new bf, or atleast a new gym. I had some of that crap during my marriage. In everything I did, I felt my exh judging me and I knew he felt ashamed. He had no reason to feel ashamed, he was just an arrogant asshat.
It does sound like you guys are getting into a rut tho. You said you two live together, and now you two work out together. Plus, you said you dont have that much friends, so I'm guessing he's the only one you socialize with. Learn from me girl! That's a HUGE mistake. I invested all my time into my exh only to have him walk out. You need to have your own life. Go out with your girl friends. Spend some time apart from your bf. Get some outside sources that add to your self esteem. This way, when your bf does stuff like this, you will be able to stand up for yourself.
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When you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock somewhere else.
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Here's the answer: if you're not paid to be an underwear model, if you're not tan and a size 0, forget it. He won't work out with me because he's ASHAMED. And why not? I'm not perfect. I'm old and overweight. I quit. Those women after my divorce were right. Be a f-ing trophy wife. There is NOTHING MORE.
Whoa! This is NOT the answer! You may feel like this, but don't make assumptions on how he is feeling. Other then at the gym, does he ignore you or purposely shun or avoid you? Does he oogle other woman when out with you? You said you had a good relationship other than at the gym. He's not chasing after other women, he's working with a male buddy. He doesn't avoid going to the gym with you. He hasn't suggested you go at different times, or get a trainer so that he won't have to be seen with you. Why are you turning it into he's "ashamed" of you and doesn't want to be seen with you around?
We all have our faults. Don't project your self-esteem issues onto your bf. I didn't read any where in any of your posts that he was an azz other then at the gym, and each time was because of another man. You could assume he's gay from that, just as much as you're assuming that he's ashamed.
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I'm such a baby. But I refrained and was calm.
just kidding.
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