i've been dating my super-cute, super-awesome boyfriend for four months now. When I am with him I feel amazing. The problem is when I'm not with him. As soon as we're apart, I begin analyzing everything he said and did for a sign that he isn't into me. I've been doing this since we met. I used to panic about these things, but a couple of weeks ago I went to hypnotherapy and although the panicing has stopped, the over thinking hasn't.
I mean I will take anything - he's too tired to have sex, he doesn't respond to a text message - and turn it into a sign that we're doomed.
Yesterday was pretty bad. I had decided on Monday night that since he hadn't called me that day (we usually talk every day but it's not uncommon to miss a day if we've been hanging out a lot) he didn't want to be with me, probably never had and was going to break up with me. We ended up going for dinner last night and watched tv after. I was a nervous wreck, expecting horrible news, and he was just his happy self, totally comfortable, pulling me into him to cuddle. I was shocked.
I am so sick of doing this i wish i could just STOP. On Saturday night one of his friends told me that she's never seen him like this with anyone, and that they all love me. He isn't expressive about his feelings though, and I have dated guys like this in the past. In my experience if they aren't expressing it it's because they aren't feeling it. But then I have strong feelings for him and my insecurity holds me back from saying anything.
I feel like an idiot, like a total psycho, and even though every time I see him it's awesome afterwards i start feeling doomed, right away. Right now i'm sitting here thinking by being so freaked out yesterday I probably gave him some weird vibe and now he'll end it.
My friends keep telling me that i am looking for problems because there aren't any and I'm not used to that. That I can't be happy without drama. They say i need to just go with the flow but i don't know how.
I'm not sure how I got over that really. But I know for the first 6 months I took every sign and signal that we were over with. I felt psycho too. Like I was losing my mind.
I talked to my bf a little bit about it one time... he's not one for long winded professions of love, and shows more then tells. Anyway, he said that sometimes we have to trust and believe in something in order to make it come true. Put all your effort into making it work, and never allow yourself to doubt that it won't.
So, I tried that and it kind of worked. It's hard, because all of us are scared of being hurt. But I also had to re-assign motives to his actions. Instead of believing that he didn't call because he didn't care, I have to accept that there are other possibilities. I have to trust him. Believe in us and not jump to conclusions. If my insecurities get the better of me and I start obsessing, then I have to find something else to focus my energy on until I can get my feelings under control again. And if worst comes to worst, I call him and ask. ie "Last night you didn't call me and I thought you would. I was wondering if you were busy, or if you were upset with me?" I always add a non-negative reasoning for his motives when I ask. Attempting to show that I'm not automatically assigning evil intentions to his actions and condeming him for something he didn't do.
I still get caught in that mind set sometimes... it's hard not to when your heart is on the line. Time will help with that some. But you'll have to work to change your line of thinking on what meaning you assign his actions.
I was in the exact same situation you are in, except in am the guy. I acted exactly like you are because my girlfriend never showed her feelings and was so reserved. I think this was just her personality. She broke up with me about two weeks ago. I think by always questioning her feelings in my head led to our breakup because I was to nice to her and I think she could sense the insecurity.
i've been reading about the Chicken Little Syndrome and I can really identify with it. johnnie, you scare me with your post because it sort of validates what we are afraid of. maybe your fear was actually you picking up a vibe from your ex? did she tell you why she wanted to end the relationship?
You have to find out WHY you feel insecure without him. You have to learn to trust and have faith. He wouldn't be 'with' you if he wasn't into you.
These kind of insecurities are deep rooted, either from past relationships or from your childhood. The key thing to remember is, he isn't your past, he is the NOW.
I agree, maybe pick up a book on CBT or even go talk to someone about it.
sunnie,
she said she wanted to break up because she was confused and she didn't want a boyfriend. I kind of saw it coming because a few weeks before she stopped calling me as much and she didn't want to see me as much. When she started to pull away, I could feel it and it made me even more insecure and needy.
I acted exactly like you are because my girlfriend never showed her feelings and was so reserved. I think this was just her personality. She broke up with me about two weeks ago.
Sunnie, his GF was REALLY NOT into him! Your BF IS. If she were into him, she would've shown her feelings one way or another. I don't buy it that it's her personality. She broke up with him for the same reason. Don't build your case on other people's cases.
You might have some disorder as well as you sound slightly paranoid to me, but hey, I ain't an expert so don't listen to me!
This is exactly how i felt when me and my girlfriend started going out. Even whe i dropped her off at home after spending the day with me if she said cya without giving me a kiss then i got all worked up that she didnt want to be with me. We've been together nearly a year now so i dont think you should worry about your relationship ending anytime soon.
In my opinion men are really easy when it comes to stuff like this in that if he didnt want to be with you he would end it. If he was unhappy with you he would tell you. Well that is how me and the guys i know are like.
Try to relax a little because i have to agree with RecordProducer, i think your being paranoid and by the fact that im still with my girlfriend after nearly a year when i went through what your going through, id say your most definately being paranoid. Hope that helps.
__________________ Sometimes, somethings turn into dumb things and thats when you put your foot down
Little pigs, little pigs.... we've come to nick your video!
Recordproducer,
I know she was into me at one time, but not at the end. I know this because she told me and she would call me 3 times as many times as I would call her. She also wanted to see me more often that I wanted to see her. I asked her about this and she said she is not all touchy feely and she hates PDA. She said she has always been like that. So in her case, it was her personality.
Thanks for all your responses guys, it made me feel much better.
Thing is, I think I have to end this relationship. I've been feeling so down for so long now that I am exhausted - the only time I am happy anymore is when I am getting his attention. This week he's been kind of distant, usually I get cute txt's and he's initiating our dates...all week this week it's been me, and I'm wondering now if I wasn't doing all the work if he'd even care to talk to me or see me.
The thing that's holding me back is everything his friends keep telling me about never seeing him this way with anyone. I just don't see what they do - he never tells me how he feels, ever.
I'm starting to think that maybe he somehow feeds my insecurity and paranoia and that i'd be better off alone. But I don't know, and I really want this to work out. I'm just at my wits end!!!!
This is exactly how i felt when me and my girlfriend started going out. Even whe i dropped her off at home after spending the day with me if she said cya without giving me a kiss then i got all worked up that she didnt want to be with me. We've been together nearly a year now so i dont think you should worry about your relationship ending anytime soon.
In my opinion men are really easy when it comes to stuff like this in that if he didnt want to be with you he would end it. If he was unhappy with you he would tell you. Well that is how me and the guys i know are like.
Try to relax a little because i have to agree with RecordProducer, i think your being paranoid and by the fact that im still with my girlfriend after nearly a year when i went through what your going through, id say your most definately being paranoid. Hope that helps.
When I feel vulnerable I am in a constant state of paranoia, expecting to be rejected at any moment, then I will either pull away or I will cling with all my might.
I dont know if anyone can find the answer post a link, at least you're not alone
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Dr. Drew ...... this is all perfectly normal, perfectly healthy
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