Domestic Violence in a relationship - should i tell new GF?
I went out with a guy for over a year, the first 6 months were blissful i was so happy, but then i got to know a side of him i wished i didn't, he used to scream at me whenever he got agitated about work, which then led on to him physically shoving me when we were in bed, sometimes so i'd go flying out of the bed..
And then about 3 months after all this he was jet lagged and i was moaning at him to do something, and he came over to me and hit me acrosse the arm. it wasn't a gentle slap.. it left his hand mark on me for an hour it was so hard. I don't know why i stayed in the relationship i was sucked into believing he would change.
Unfortunately it didn't stop there, although he never hit me again he would throw me against the wall and go for my neck in a threatening gesture. Although i wish i could say i left him, but i didnt he left me and not for those reasons but because he said he just didn't love me anymore and now he is seeing someone else a month on. I've told a few close friends of what i went through and now he is spreading things behind my back saying i'm crazy and i'm a bitch.
I'm not saying i'm a victim of domestic violence but i know i didn't deserve being hit or threatened by anyone. But should i tell his new girlfriend what he is like? seeing as i sort of know her?
No, don't tell her. It's not your place and she probably won't believe you either. I went through the same feelings, should I tell the new girlfriend what happens when she gets too close. I didn't. It's for the best. They're still going strong more than a year later. Perhaps she's so cold that she'll never get close enough to him to endure his wrath. Perhaps she doesn't mind the yelling and degredation. Who knows. Let her decide what's best for her and just be happy that you're out of that abusive situation. Absolutely cut both of them out of your life completely.
I have to disagree. I lived with a violent guy. His sister didn't tell me anything.
After I used my 'safety plan' to escape one night, I asked her why she never told me he had a history of violence. She said 'we hoped so much that you would be able to change him'.
I was lucky to not get badly hurt but you can't be sure he won't hurt the next person worse. It's not a phase and nobody should live with 'yelling and degradation'. Violence always escalates. Do your fellow female a favour and at least warn her. If something happens to her and you never warned her, you will feel very guilty.
[b]Thank God she has him now and you are rid of this ~!
Seriously I absolutely think the girl has a right to know that she is dating an abusive man. Anyone here who thinks everything is * okay * and hes fine and the new girl is going to be fine . Well let me tell you. Um....NO !
She needs to be informed. If not directly from you but indirectly notified.
If he were a child molester or a rapist ( not much difference in the 3 , all are disturbed horrific creeeps ) then would you tell your sister that her new bf was a convicted child sex predator ? Would you tell your mom her new boyfriend had 3 rapes in Washington under his belt ?
I say YES ! Not because you ( dont want to get involved ). We are not talking shoplifter here. We are talking ABUSE. Any abuse is not tolerated ! And this girl has a right to be tipped off .
I must agree with those who say tell her. At least you'll be able to sleep with a clear conscience knowing that you did the right thing.
Think of Terry Hatcher and how that girl her uncle molested committed suicide. Had she come forward before instead of NOW, that girls life might have been spared.
To me, this is really not that different.
Please, tell her. She can then decide to stay or not. But right now, she doesn't even know he has a violent side. And yes, even if he just pushed and shoved, he's VIOLENT...those things usually escalate into more and more violent behaviours. Would you want it on your consciense if something happened to her?
So please, tell her. And don't be surprised if she doesn't believe you. Doesn't matter...you would have still done your duty because at the FIRST hint of his violence, she will have remembered what you said and won't dismiss it as just a one-time thing.
I think it depends on how much time has gone by since you dated him..
If it had been a while.. say.. 60 days then I don't think you should tell her.. Who is to say that he hasn't gotten help and straightened out his life.. So you telling him could very well ruin something that you may have to apoligize for later..
If it was recently ( then he is still an abuser ) then telling her would warn her that she is with an abuser.. but she most likley will not listen to you as he will have already won her over with his sweetness and his abuse hasn't shown up yet..
Catch 22..
Telling her really do no good..Except to make yourself feel better at his possibly his expense since she will not listen to you and you will be easily painted as a nutcase.
It is vindictive not protective..
I say NO.. but if you feel like getting it off your chest and you need to do this to move on then by all means you should tell her..
I think the real answer is inside your heart to why you want to tell her..
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Absolutely tell her. If she does not believe you then it is out of your hands. She can then make her own decision as to what to do. I would want to know. At least she can be prepared if he has a first lash out, she will know it is not an isolated incident. Absolutely tell her.
Poster he used to scream at me whenever he got agitated about work, which then led on to him physically shoving me this behavior is EXTREMELY dangerous !when we were in bed, sometimes so i'd go flying out of the bed.. MY God this man threw you out of bed !
And then about 3 months after all this he was jet lagged and i was moaning at him to do something, and he came over to me and hit me acrosse the arm. it wasn't a gentle slap.. This is ABUSE ! Marks or NOTit left his hand mark on me for an hour it was so hard. I don't know why i stayed in the relationship i was sucked into believing he would change.
Unfortunately it didn't stop there, although he never hit me again he would throw me against the wall and go for my neck This man could have murdered you !in a threatening gesture.
To all posters here , This is very dangerous ! I cannot stress this enough. This man has learned this sick behavior in his treatment of women. Do not think the new gf is getting away unscathed and thats shes " just fine "
Do NOT kid yourselves.
It does not take 2 weeks or 2 months to see what has happened. here. For everyones sake please inform the girl. Its not vindictive behavior and you are NOT being a biatch !
Poster he used to scream at me whenever he got agitated about work, which then led on to him physically shoving me this behavior is EXTREMELY dangerous !when we were in bed, sometimes so i'd go flying out of the bed.. MY God this man threw you out of bed !
And then about 3 months after all this he was jet lagged and i was moaning at him to do something, and he came over to me and hit me acrosse the arm. it wasn't a gentle slap.. This is ABUSE ! Marks or NOTit left his hand mark on me for an hour it was so hard. I don't know why i stayed in the relationship i was sucked into believing he would change.
Unfortunately it didn't stop there, although he never hit me again he would throw me against the wall and go for my neck This man could have murdered you !in a threatening gesture.
To all posters here , This is very dangerous ! I cannot stress this enough. This man has learned this sick behavior in his treatment of women. Do not think the new gf is getting away unscathed and thats shes " just fine "
Do NOT kid yourselves.
It does not take 2 weeks or 2 months to see what has happened. here. For everyones sake please inform the girl. Its not vindictive behavior and you are NOT being a biatch !
Just wanted to say, excellent post Mary. I completely agree. A person who does this does NOT change that behavior in 60 days! NO WAY, NO HOW...I don't care HOW many anger management classes, etc. they've attended. That kind of pattern of behavior is rarely "cured."
I hope the OP listents to the MAJORITY of posters here and does the RIGHT thing and tells her. This is a serious matter. I agree with the poster who said that women should protect each other in this way. It's your DUTY to tell that woman.
The guy I dated who tried to kill my friend in front of me, he was horribly abusive to me. For some reason, the last girl he cheated on me with, who he dated after we split up and right up until he went to prison, he never hit. She thought I was a kook. Until he went to prison, of course. Then all of a sudden she was like, I never would have believed you until all this happened.
Women are mostly like that. we attack each other out of defensiveness or denial or whatever. women are always willing to sacrifice each other for the sake of their own insecurities, much moreso than men I think.
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Since your this guys ex his new girlfriend might think you are trying to split them up. I think its best you just let them see how things go with each other. If he does the same to her then that could be a time you could tell her what he did to you but its up to the both of them if they both love each other they will stay with each other, even if he will harm her. But I don't think it is really anythig to do with you so I would stay out of the relationship.
if they both love each other they will stay with each other, even if he will harm her.
That's not 'love'.
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If he does the same to her
Guaranteed he will. Abuse isn't about the abused; it's a problem of the abuser.
As I said before, people who don't understand these situations tend to minimize them, think that it's 'no big deal' or that abusive people 'can change'. These are serious misconceptions and do not jibe with the experience of all the experts in this field.
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But I don't think it is really anythig to do with you
Ever heard of 'duty to warn'? If you can prevent someone from being hurt by a known danger, you're supposed to say something. The idea that a man can beat a woman and it's nobody else's business belongs to the day when men were considered to 'own' women, not to the 21st century.
I've only skimmed all of the replies so my apologies if this is something that has been said already. It seems like everyone is telling you to tell the new girlfriend. Why do you think she will believe you? Would you have believed someone if they told you when you first started dating him? I know I would never have. They're so wonderful until you get too close or comfortable and that's when the abuse starts. I would have thought any woman that told me that my ex would turn into a monster was lying and just jealous or hung up on him.
As I said before, people who don't understand these situations tend to minimize them, think that it's 'no big deal' or that abusive people 'can change'. These are serious misconceptions and do not jibe with the experience of all the experts in this field.
Who is to say that I don't understand them ????
I have been thru 2.5 years of counseling dealing with an abusive spouse.
I do understand abusive behavior.. Abuse is not a male/female thing..
It is becuase I understand abusive behavior I suggested that she NOT tell her..
Here is the abusers wheel so you can see the areas they affect another person
Guaranteed he will. Abuse isn't about the abused; it's a problem of the abuser.
As I said before, people who don't understand these situations tend to minimize them, think that it's 'no big deal' or that abusive people 'can change'. These are serious misconceptions and do not jibe with the experience of all the experts in this field.
Ever heard of 'duty to warn'? If you can prevent someone from being hurt by a known danger, you're supposed to say something. The idea that a man can beat a woman and it's nobody else's business belongs to the day when men were considered to 'own' women, not to the 21st century.
I feel like the bolded statement isn't true. I mean, the abused doesn't ask for the abuse but in many ways are complicit with the treatment, or the sick relationship dynamic.
This is my experience, I can look back at the horrific abuse I dealt with, and see what my responsibility was. I was in the death dance.
And I also speak from the experience of dealing with the woman who dated my ex right after me, before he was put in prison for what he did when he and I were in our death dance.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
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